This is a hug (to fake a smile for)
by scarleteyes21
Summary: Riley now had three new best friends: depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. She hates them but smiles anyway. But her mask is breaking and Cory and Topanga aren't going to sit idle to watch their daughter fall apart. "We're always here for you Riley, but maybe we're a little too close for you to talk to us in a way that you feel safe?" Cory asked her. Riley could only nod.
1. Chapter 1

***Trigger warning for: panic attacks, bullying, and, self-harming***

Ms. Muhammad had watched silently for weeks, simply studying the young girl as she began to withdraw from herself. True, when she was with the other girl, the young girl seemed to brighten but her whole face would shift once she realized it wasn't just her and her best friend in the large school. Ms. Muhammad would look on and notice the change occurring readily as she would hear the two talk about a boy during lunch. Every lunch day Ms. Muhammed would study the girl to see if her hypothesis was correct.

Riley wasn't her student.

Ms. Muhammad was a twelfth grade history and political science teacher, but she was the hall and lunch monitor for the younger grades and could see the change in the young girl occurring every day. And now the girl wasn't eating, just pushing food around the tray. Her once bright eyes were now struggling to keep open, the skin under them puffy and dark.

It was a Thursday when Ms. Muhammad realized she had had enough and couldn't sit idle anymore. She had spent 28 years as a teacher, 17 of those years as a teacher at Abigail Adams High. She had seen plenty of students go through what Riley was going through right now. She learned early on that she couldn't stay quiet and just _hope_ that the parents would pick up on it, she had to push and become the advocate for her students.

She knocked on Mr. Matthews's classroom door and let herself in once he stated she could do so.

"Jennifer," Mr. Matthews stood up to greet Ms. Muhammad and pulled out a chair from the desk and pushed it closer to his. "What a pleasure to have you here."

"May I?" Ms. Muhammad gestured to the char.

Mr. Matthews smiled, "Please!" he sat across from her and clapped his hand enthusiastically, "What do I owe this pleasure?"

Ms. Muhammad cleared her throat, she considered Mr. Matthews a dear and hardworking colleague that she truly liked.

This was always the hard part.

Regardless of how sweet, nice, and/or friendly the parents or guardians were, this was always the hard part.

"Cory, I need to talk to you about something serious."

Mr. Matthews frowned, "This isn't about teacher of the year award now is it? Because I would lose…so lose." Mr. Matthew smiled unabashed. "I mean, I've seen you teach a history class, you're pretty amazing!" Mr. Matthew complimented her in awe.

Ms. Mohammad smiled, "Thank you, I admire your teaching skills as well, but unfortunately that's not why I'm here." She steadily put both hands on Mr. Matthews's desk, grounding herself and almost in an odd way encroaching on Mr. Matthew's personal space, a metaphorical foreshadowing to the conversation ahead of her.

She took a deep breath and began.

"Mr. Matthews, I am by no means a psychologist or social worker, but I have seen my share of students shout and scream silently for help. I've seen and lost too many students who because they didn't scream loudly physically and had the perfect mask to hide all they wanted to hide. I promised myself a long time ago that if I saw any of my students scream silently into their mask I would immediately tell their parents." Ms. Muhammad finished strongly, her eyes studying Mr. Matthews steadily.

Mr. Matthews nodded, "You..you think Riley has what? Depression?" He asked incredulously, his eyes shined with worry and confusion.

"Yes." Ms. Muhammad confirmed. "She's not herself anymore Cory. She's so withdrawn now, she barely eats lunch, her eyes are sunken in, and she looks so lost and tired, as if she's trying to lock herself in her mind."

"Jennifer, I appreciate your concern but you don't know-"

"With all due respect Cory, I know that I don't know Riley or your home life as well as I should in order to say this to you but I know what I'm talking about." She watched Mr. Matthews shake his head and frown, avoiding her gaze as she continued, "She's not herself, I've watched her for the past four months now, she's folding into herself now."

"Riley has been the same person she always has been. She's bubbly, she's happy!" Mr. Matthews argued.

Ms. Muhammad looked at him unflinchingly, "Is she? Or is she only smiling when she knows she is being looked at?"

That caused Mr. Matthews to pause for a moment. He pressed his lips together, his hands folded together.

"She's not the same, Cory. Maybe I'm not close enough for you to be sure, but I think _you're_ too close to see it."

Mr. Matthews shook his head, "Actually, I-I'm not." He sighed, "I-I saw something in her but I just thought it was –"

"Teen angst?" Ms. Muhammad finished for him.

Mr. Matthews nodded, "I know I'm too close to the big picture to see it, but I've seen something in her change, I just didn't know what it could be." He took a deep breath in and looked up, "You think she has depression?"

Ms. Muhammad smiled sadly, she could see Cory and not Mr. Matthews now. He looked much younger all of sudden regardless what was written on his face was concern, his shoulders slumped over as he looked to her for advice.

"Yes, I do." She pulled out a business card from her cardigan pocket. "If you decide to get Riley some help, you can call her."

Mr. Matthews picked up blue and purple printed card. "Ms. Amira Habib, LP, LCSW, LMSW." Mr. Matthews let out a low whistle and smiled meekly, "No PhD?"

Ms. Muhammad smiled finally, "She's studying it now, clinical psychology- focusing on trauma and development in children and adolescents. She's a friend of mine and comes highly recommended in her field for young girls"

Mr. Matthews smiled politely as he waved the card, "Thank you." He said softly, not really trusting his voice.

Ms. Mohammad patted his hand gently, "Good luck." She whispered getting up to leave.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Riley could only look up as she counted backwards from 100, her hand on her heart as she tried to control her breathing. It was her second panic attack today, her fourth this week.

She was really getting sick of them.

She knew why she was having them. She was becoming a wreck at school. She had overheard three older girls talk down about her while she was in the bathroom. Calling her an "odd dyke" and a "cray cray loser", they wondered out loud why the cute blonde girl would hang out with a girl so weird and why the new cute freshman would eye her when there were actual sane girls around them. They continued to bash Riley as they made their way out of the bathroom, laughing as they did so. "Ten bucks she will either commit suicide or be in a looney bin." One of the girls laughed.

She had a panic attack in the bathroom.

It took exactly 8 minute to calm down from it and 3 minutes to put herself back together again in order to look proper.

Her friends looked at her worriedly when she sat back down with them, she gave them an off colored excuse that caused them to laugh and smile, appeasing their concerns of her.

(Farkle looked at her cautiously when she wasn't looking, Zay only frowned at Lucas and Maya for not seeing the flimsy excuse for what it was. Both boys didn't look at each other, but back down at their food.)

She didn't know what exactly triggered this panic attack, she just knew she was crying to get to sleep now. She had sneaked some Benadryl home and took them to sleep, but she still woke up crying. Wet spots on her pillow that she lied were wet spots from her wet hair to her mother.

This attack made her feel weak, she hated this feeling. It made her only cry more.

No one loved her.

No one _genuinely_ loved her.

They just wanted a smiley face.

Any smiley face.

Someone to laugh at.

Someone to hold their pain and take out their frustration.

Her friends found her to be too much.

(They never apologized, she knew that. She just never wanted to bring it up.)

Her mother thought she was a spaz, Riley sometimes believed that her mother didn't have faith in her due to being more like her father than her mother.

She had only three friends that she was close to now.

Their names were depression, anxiety, and panic.

"You guys are horrible friends." Riley whispered out loud. "I wish you would leave me alone." She closed her eyes and felt her heart begin to finally slow to a pace she felt she could finally breathe again. Her chest was still tight but she could finally breathe.

She still felt itchy in her own skin after a while. She slowly got up and went to her bathroom, pulling out a small blade once the door was shut and locked.

In the morning she was showered and dressed, bouncing up and down as she made her way to the kitchen. It wasn't unusual to find her father and mother sitting at the table in the morning without Auggie. But it was just them this time, neither had a cup or plate in front of them, if Riley had to describe the atmosphere around her parents she would describe it as "thick with tension".

"What's wrong?" She asked steadily backing away from the table. She felt her mother's hands on her shoulders guiding her to sit down across from them as her father sat directly in front of her, his face looking worn and concerned.

(Had they heard her?)

(Had they seen her?)

(Did they see the tissues?)

"Riley," her father began slowly, "We think you should talk to someone."

Riley smiled (frowned in her mind), "Talk?" she repeated confused.

(Deep down, she was beginning to panic.)

"Riley," her mother said her name slowly, a tone Riley knew meant her mother was worried and serious. "We've noticed some things about you. Since you started high school you've been more withdrawn lately, we rarely see you outside your room unless it's to go to school, when you're with your friends you barely say a word, and you've barely eaten."

Riley smiled, a sour laugh came out from her to cover up her concern. "I have not!" she objected, "I'm fine, just trying to adjust to high school." She explained, half telling the truth.

Cory nodded, "We know, we're just worried that it's taking a toll on you." He explained. He tried to hold her hand but Riley took her hands off the table quickly, watching her father sigh as she glared at the two as if they betrayed her. "We're not doing this to punish you Riley, we just want you to talk to a professional."

"Why? Because you think I'm crazy?" she asked, "I'm not crazy, I'm not weird or strange or going to kill myself!" she shouted, She rolled up her sleeves, "See," she showed them her wrist. "I'm fine! I don't need to talk to a professional. I'm just tired."

Topanga bit her lower lip as she looked at her husband for support, "You've been tired a lot, Riley." Cory pointed out. He glanced at her wrist as she continued to glare at them. "You look like you hardly sleep anymore, you're not the old Riley anymore. I don't think you've been her for a while now."

Riley frowned, "Yes I am!" she could feel her eyes begin to sting with tears. She tried to smile, she was going to smile through this, this had to be a joke. "I'm still the same Riley."

"I don't think you believe that anymore." Topanga told her.

"I do!" Riley shouted at her.

"Riley!" Cory warned, his voice not actually raising but becoming firmer. "We're worried about you. We want to you talk to-"

Riley cut him off, not wanting to hear any of it. "I'm not crazy! I'm not going to take pills to make me a different person!" that was her fear. That her parents would want her to take pills if they noticed she wasn't smiling anymore.

Cory looked perplexed, he went around and hugged Riley, "That's not what we want for you Riley." He spoke gently to her as she began to relax in his arms.

She felt oddly comforted by her father like this.

(Her mother was still across from her.)

"We don't want you to change or are begging you to change, we don't want to label you either. We just want you to talk to someone." Cory pulled them apart, but kept his hands cupped around his daughter's face. "We're always here for you Riley, but maybe we're a little too close for you to talk to us in a way that you feel safe?"

Riley closed her eyes and nodded.

She loved her father, but sometimes she knew that he and her mother couldn't understand what she was thinking.

Topanga spoke again, "We made you an appointment with a therapist after school for Monday."

Cory frowned at his wife, "I'll go with you, okay?" he told Riley.

Riley nodded again.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

The weekend blurred quickly, Riley barely remembered any of it. She spent most of it in bed, she was sure of that. That's what she mostly did on weekends: spent her hours in her room with her windows locked and drawn together. Her phone would hardly buzz, text messages from Maya and Farkle, a few from Lucas and Smackle. And oddly enough, a phone call from Zay.

She would make excuses, tell them that she was with her family, getting one on one time with her father, mother (ha!), or brother.

Riley had another panic attack at school, she made more excuses to her friends, she laughed, she smiled, and she floated along without really touching anything.

Now she found herself in an airy white painted waiting room, sitting on an uncomfortable black folding chair, her father right beside her. The building was seven blocks away from her school, but she recognized none of the other clients sitting in the waiting room. There were no windows in the waiting room, just white halogen lights and a low hum of the vending machines outside the room. Riley looked down the other hall and saw five locked doors. A man walked out of second door on the left, he was young looking, maybe mid 30s at most, dark copper skin with black hair tied in a loose bun. His outfit was simple, khakis and a light blue button down. A young woman around Riley's age followed him out, he waved goodbye to the girl and another older woman who looked to be the girl's mother. The man had an easy smile and directed it at Riley when he noticed her, "Hi." He pointed at her, "Who are you here to see?"

Before Riley or Cory could answer, the receptionist, an older woman with honey brown hair pulled into a severe bun, answered for them, "She's here to see Amira." She answered in a clipped tone.

The man's eyes brighten, "Hey! She's good, you're going to love her." The man winked at her before calling out his next client.

The farthest door opened now revealing a woman with dark skin and curly hair dyed gray. She looked out of placed in the plain waiting room in her red skinny jeans and plain black t-shirt.

The woman looked at the receptionist who pointed at Riley.

"Ms. Matthews?"

Riley nodded, feigning a smile as Amira smiled back and waved to her to follow.

Riley wasn't sure what she was expecting the room to look like, after the waiting room she assumed the rest of the rooms where as lifeless. But Amira's office was oddly…lively.

It was a large room painted Moroccan blue, with a large brown leather sofa pushed back against the wall with a single chair next to it. There was a bunch of toys on one corner of the room, including a television with video games. On the shelf next to her were books about everything to do with psychology, social work, medication, evidence based treatments, youth, culture, and etc. Oddly enough the room had windows that were open and flowers that were sitting on the table in front of the sofa and on the desk on the other side of the room. Riley breathed in the scent of oranges and vanilla, she noticed an array of candles on the shelf.

"It smells nice here." She commented as she walked over to the book shelf and found a row of books on human trafficking, girlhood, and sexuality.

"Please, have a seat." Amira smiled, sitting down on the single chair as Riley took a spot on the sofa. "Would you like something to drink? Water? Tea?"

Riley nodded, "Tea?"

Amira nodded and produced a small cup of hot tea in a matter of a few minutes. Riley saw that behind the desk was a buffet table holding a small fridge and water dispenser.

She took a sip of the tea, it tasted like mint and honey.

Amira smiled apolitically, "Sorry, Moroccan mint is all I have left. I think I gave away the last of my chai and cardamom cinnamon tea today." She sat back down and grabbed a small white journal.

"So Riley, tell me about yourself."

Riley smiled demurely, "I thought I did that with all those papers I signed."

Amira shrugged, "They tell me briefly about your medical and personal history, but they sure don't explain you as a whole. I would like to hear from you who you are." She explained gently.

Riley started out with. "I don't belong here."

Amira looked at, silently asking her to continue.

"My parents think I need to talk to you."

Amira nodded, "You don't?"

Riley shook her head, "No, I'm fine." She smiled, "I have my friends when I need to talk. I've just been tired is all."

"Tired?"

Riley shrugged, "I haven't been sleeping through is all. Otherwise I don't need to be here."

"That's fine with me." Amira said, surprising Riley.

"Really?"

"Yeah. I mean at least you know what you're doing. You have your friends to talk to, everyone needs to have a support system. And you have one!" Amira smiled. "It's actually really great thing to have, most people feel that their support team isn't really there after a while."

Riley paused, "Yeah?"

Amira nodded, "Yeah, I mean how many times a person can hear the same sob story again and again? When you feel that you're drowning you begin to feel that no one can save you and that you're just drowning your friends with your problems. I think most of my clients believe that their friends had enough of them, like they were too much for them to really understand them so they hold everything in and just fake being happy because it makes their friends happy." Amira explained, she looked at Riley, "At least your friends aren't like that, right?"

Riley licked her lips, "Not all the time." She conceded, mumbling the confession under her breath.

Amira frowned, "What are they like most of the time?"

Riley blinked away tears, "They, they're just there, I guess? I mean they care, but they have their own things too. So it's not like they have time for me when I become too much for them."

Amira's frowned deepened, "What does 'too much' mean for you?"

Riley blinked, pushed back her hair as she mulled over an answer. "I guess too much me? I can be annoying and bubbly at times, not on purpose, I just like being happy." She smiled tearfully, "I want to be happy."

Amira nodded, she pushed a box of tissues closer to Riley, "Are you happy?"

Riley smiled forcefully, "Yes." She coughed before breaking down in tears. Her mask was breaking faster than she could handle. She started to feel itchy again.

"Really?"

Riley blew her nose into the tissue and lowered her gaze, "No. I haven't been happy in a long time." She looked up, this time her smile felt worn and made her face feel stretched. "But I want to be happy." She repeated. "I just don't know how anymore." She began to cry again.

Amira nodded, her voice was gentle and hypnotic. "That's why we're here to talk Riley, so you can learn how to be happy again, okay?"

Riley took a deep breath, the itchy feeling wasn't succumbing but she ignored it.

"Okay."


	2. Chapter 2

****Trigger warning for self harming, suicide ideation, depression, and parental conflict*****

"So you think she's cutting?"

"Yes."

"There weren't any scars on her arms and she and her father made no mentions in her chart that she self-harms or has a history of self-harming during intake."

Amira blinked dubiously, pursing her lips. "I believe she's cutting her thighs."

"…Keep track of her pants."

Amira rolled her eyes, mentally preparing herself for her meeting with both Riley and her parents. "Alright."

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Riley didn't remember what she had for breakfast.

(Probably nothing.)

She honestly didn't miss food. She didn't have much of an appetite anymore, she looked over at Lucas who was speaking to Maya, her two friends had the biggest smiles on their faces just speaking to each other.

'He never looks at me like that.' Riley thought miserably.

Supposedly Maya was becoming like her. But Riley had thought of it for a while, to be honest, for a long time. It was a thought that wouldn't stop processing.

Yes Maya was starting to dress like her, doing better in school like her, and becoming more polite like her. But Lucas had still chosen Maya over her.

Her own mother has chosen to dote on Maya over her.

Riley bit her lip at that, that one still stung the most.

She felt a hand lightly touch hers', Zay was peering at her.

"You okay?"

Riley smiled, "Yes." She shook her head and continued to smile. "I'm good!"

Lucas and Maya went back to their conversation.

Zay on the other hand kept his hand around Riley's to her surprise. "You hardly ate." He told her, chin jutting out at the still filled tray.

Riley shrugged, "I had a big breakfast." She lied easily with a smile.

Zay could only study her. "Okay." He said, he kept his hand on hers'.

Riley looked past them to see Smackle and Farkle walk towards them, she smiled at them as well. "Hello to the lovely couple." She greeted them in a tone that sounded too forcefully happy even to her own ear. The itchiness under her skin started, she could feel it burning the back of her neck and legs. The urge to cut just to release whatever this thing over her was. She berated herself quickly for allowing her mask to break and prayed that the couple didn't notice how fake she sounded or smiled.

"Hello Riley." Smackle smiled back, before Riley could respond Lucas interfered and began to talk to the other girl leaving Riley to peer down at her food.

She felt so over looked.

Maybe Lucas didn't want her opinion on the latest superhero movie.

Maybe Smackle was a better person to ask if the movie was corny.

Maybe she was just wasn't worth having a conversation with.

She felt something squeeze her hand. "Riley?" Zay called out her name softly. "You okay?"

Riley smiled, she just smiled and nodded, hoping that Zay wouldn't let her hand go. It was actually grounding her and the only thing stopping her from running out of the cafeteria and having a panic attack.

She had missed Farkle studying her and glancing at Zay, who could only frown back. The two having their own side conversation about Riley as the other three friends chatted on happily, not realizing their once happy go lucky friend was becoming a shell.

Things were going fine, Riley actually believed she could make it through the school day without having a panic attack till she heard Lucas and Smackle encourage Maya to help out with the drama club's prop and set team. "You're so talented Maya, you could do all the art for the next play with your eyes closed." Lucas complimented her with a genuine smile, Smackle nodded enthusiastically, "You're talents would be greatly appreciated, I've seen some of your abstract paintings hanging in the art classroom, your style definitely meets the criteria of where the drama club wants to be."

It wasn't the glowing compliments from Smackle and Lucas that did it, it wasn't the fact that Maya was receiving the compliments…

…it was just…

Riley's eyes started to burn…

-Two nights ago-

"I'm so proud of Maya." Topanga mused out loud as Cory changed into his night clothes. Topanga was already in bed and reading a book. "She's accomplishing so much and improving as well! I can already picture her selling her artwork in one of those fancy art exhibits in Soho or Manhattan!" Topanga gushed smiling.

Cory nodded, "She's doing great. Grades are picking up all around."

Topanga took a deep breath, "You know I sort of wished she rubbed off of Riley." She admitted, "Riley's never took to a hobby or an extra-curricular. There's no..oomph to her."

Cory frowned as he slid into bed next to her. "Oomph?" he asked almost smiling at his wife's inability to find an adjective.

Topanga smiled back, "You know what I mean. Riley doesn't have a shining talent like Maya. I mean she does well in class but Smackle and Farkle rank above her."

Cory's smile disappeared as he became defensive. "Riley is still the top of her class though, and yeah she hasn't found her calling yet but she's just 14, let her get to know herself."

"Why can't she do that and find something she's good at as well? When I was fourteen I was the top of my class, president of the freshman class, and was writing poetry. I'm just afraid Riley is just floating out there. I want her to be more passionate about something like Maya is."

Cory shook his head in disbelief, "You want our daughter, Riley, to be more like Maya? Did you miss the fact that Maya is becoming Riley?"

Topanga cocked her head to the side and smirked, "Is she turning into Riley or is she just improving while our daughter is just staying stagnant?"

Cory became slack jawed and offended, " _Stagnant_?"

They continued to argue with Riley just at their door hearing everything.

-Now-

Her own mother thought she was _stagnant_ and had no "discernable talent".

Her own _mother_.

She got up quickly, throwing her entire tray in the trash, ignoring her friends as they called out for her in concern. She promptly ran to the senior wing and found an empty single bathroom and then had her scheduled panic attack in solace.

But this time she brought her blade…

It helped with the itchiness.

Riley avoided her friends for the rest of the school period, telling them that she had forgotten something important and _had_ to run off and do it.

That seemed to appease their concerns for her a little.

(Farkle looked annoyed. Zay looked pissed.)

Riley found herself sitting on the brown leather chair in Amira's office. A cup of Moroccan mint with honey in her hand, it was something.

"Riley?" Amira asked her, "Did you hear me?"

Riley blinked away her tears, "Yeah."

"Do you having any questions?"

It was there second meeting now. Amira had gone through the whole spiel of HIPAA and informing Riley that everything said in private would stay private unless Riley was planning to kill herself, others, or if someone was hurting her.

'Does my mother count?'

"What?" Amira asked with a confused face.

Riley smiled and shook her head, "Nothing."

Amira frowned, she crossed her legs. "Riley, I heard what you said. I just don't know what that means."

Riley shrugged, "It means nothing." She explained politely.

Amira's frowned deepened. Riley could see her brown eyes study her carefully. "That was one hell of a Freudian slip that I will be bringing up later."

"Later when?"

"Later."

Amira straightened out her paper work and passed it to Riley, "Do you have any questions about your diagnosis?"

Riley had only one: "Will you be putting me on medication?" she asked worriedly. Her knee jittering since she had sat down. Riley loathed the idea of taking medication, she had heard too many horror stories about kids her age on medication. That it made them addictive to other drugs, that it made them suicidal, that they were taken to the hospital and forced the medication if they were non-compliant. She shivered at the idea of being placed in a psych ward and forced fed the pills.

Amira looked considerate. "That's a good question and I'm glad you asked. You would be surprised at how many children and teens just assume that psychiatrist know exactly what they are doing and don't think to ask about medication." She jotted down something quickly in her journal. "Actually I wouldn't recommend you be put on medication. Dysthymia isn't something I would give medication for, it's low level like I said." Amira looked at the watch on her wrist. "You okay with bringing in your folks to help me explain it to them?"

Riley nodded, slightly relieved at the option of medication being taken off the table.

Amira walked out to the waiting room to find the Matthews with their backs turned against her, their voices not as hushed as they thought as they continued to have what appeared to be a loud and harsh whisper argument.

"I don't see why you're opposed to Riley being on medication if she is clinically depressed." Topanga retorted at a annoyed looking Cory.

Cory adjusted himself in his seat so that his whole body was looking at Topanga, "Because we don't know everything yet, we don't know if she even has clinical depression or major depression." Cory argued.

"Either way, she's not acting normal." Topanga hissed back, "We should consider what's best for Riley if she's clinically depressed or has major depression."

Amira cleared her throat, causing the two to jump and turn around in their seats. "Actually clinical depression _is_ major _depressive_ disorder, it's just a general name, but they are one and the same. And in my professional opinion I believe it would be best to discuss this matter in my office." She waited for them to get up before turning on her heel and leading the way back to her office.

She appreciated the fact that both looked abashed.

Riley felt jittery as her parents walked in looking slightly flushed looking behind a stony looking Amira. That didn't bode well for her anxiety at the moment.

"So Mr. and Mrs. Matthews," Amira smiled almost predatory like as she closed her office door.

(Riley frowned at her, what was she missing here?)

"Thank you for joining me. I know we went over the therapist spiel so I'll get straight to the fun part. Based on our evaluations and the inventory forms we diagnosed Riley with persistent depressive disorder, otherwise known as dysthymia. It's a low grade form of depression."

Cory looked at Riley for a moment before asking "And how does that compare to major depressive disorder?"

Amira looked at Riley, "Care to explain Riley?"

Riley nodded, she took a deep breath. "Well, like Ms. Habib said, its low grade, meaning that it isn't as severe as major depressive and my symptoms will come and go." She looked up at Amira for encouragement. "And they have for the past year or so. It wasn't consistent so I just thought I was just having rough days or tiring days. Ms. Habib explained to me that it's chronic but manageable. I just have to work on finding a coping tool and work on some interpersonal stuff."

Cory nodded in understanding and was about to ask about what sort of interpersonal stuff before Topanga cut him off to ask about medication.

Riley became numb. "I don't want medication." She responded quickly.

Topanga sighed, "But it could help, we should consider it at least."

"No!"

Cory sighed, "Topanga, if Riley doesn't want to take medication then she doesn't have to take it."

Topanga looked aghast, "Cory, this isn't about what Riley wants, its about what she needs."

Riley looked up, "And I don't need medication." Riley's voice was sharp and shaky at the same time, she forced herself not to cry.

Topanga face became twisted, "You have depression Riley, if medication helps then you should take it."

"NO! I don't want to end up suicidal or stuck in a hospital because I skipped a few days. I don't want to have my life revolve around taking a pill that forces me to become a different person!" Riley yelled getting up from the couch.

Amira pulled Riley back away from Topanga who had gotten up immediately at Riley yelling at her. "That's enough!" Amira warned the two.

"On the topic of medication, Mrs. Matthews I will _not_ be recommending Riley take medication at this point. Our psychiatrist agrees that she doesn't meet criteria for medication and since we haven't even started interventions it's quite premature to jump immediately to medication." She explained delicately to the three. "I have already planned out Riley's treatment plan for the next 3 months and we will be starting next week." She looked directly at Riley, "And as for what you just said, Riley where did you hear that children were being taken to the hospital and forced fed pills?"

Riley looked down at the ground and shuffled her feet, her knee still shaking. "Around school? Some Facebook profiles…"

Cory rested a hand on her knee and offered her a soft smile, "Honey, you honestly can't believe what your classmates say, things get heavily exaggerated in school and on social media."

" _Especially_ on social media." Amira echoed, she crossed her arms, "Just for future reference Riley, no child, teenager, or adult for that matter, has ever been taken to the hospital because they refused their medication. The only time when they are hospitalized is when they are a threat to themselves or others, even then hospitals can't force feed a patient psychotropic medications. Do you know how many lawsuits would be filed? Days on days of papers work right there." She smiled for a moment before becoming serious again. "And yes, some medication do list suicide ideation as a side effect but if a client has a competent psychiatrist, therapist, and support team then that client shouldn't have to worry. Medication like that isn't used as quick fix, it's used a tool, which is why we don't immediately recommend it until it's needed." Amira leaned over closer to Riley, "I promise you, I haven't failed a client and led them wrong, I'm not about to start it with you, okay?"

Riley smiled, truly smiled this time. "Okay." She wiped away a few stray tears and allowed her father to pull her into a one armed hug. He kissed her gently on her forehead, "You're gonna be alright Riley, you have us. Remember that."

She knew that.

Sort of.

She knew she had her dad's unconditional support and love.

She just wasn't sure if she had her mothers'.

"So you will let us know when it's time for her to be put on medication, correct?" Topanga asked, concern edging the line of her tone.

Yeah, she was sure now.

' _Your mother doesn't care about you_. _She just wants you to go away._ '

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

She was starting to ghost her friends, heck she was starting to ghost herself now.

How had she flunked their latest English assignment of all things?

(… _I mean she does well in class but Smackle and Farkle rank above her_.")

Her mother's voice and snippy comments had been glued to the deep corners of her mind since she heard them.

She had another panic attack after gym because the gym teacher told her she just wasn't good enough to act as captain for their volley ball game during P.E.

She just wasn't good enough for anything anymore really.

' _Persistent is an understatement._ ' Riley thought bitterly as she packed her bag to leave school and head over to therapy. She pulled out her phone and was surprised to see two missed calls: one from Zay and the other from Maya.

Maya had also sent her a text message.

Maya: ARE YOU OKAY? I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TALK TO YOU ALL DAY. WHERE ARE YOU? :(

Before Riley has a chance to respond she felt a hand grip her arm and turn her around. "What are you doing?" Farkle asked.

Riley looked at her phone and then back at him, "I was about to text Maya. Why? What are you doing?" She asked smiling, feigning ignorance.

Farkle shook his head, "Don't do this to me Riley." He sounded hurt, his blue eyes almost looked misty looking.

"Do what?" Riley asked, ignoring the kick in her stomach

"Don't lie to me. Riley, we promised each other. No more lies." Farkle reminded her

Riley rolled her eyes at him, "I'm not lying. What would I have to lie to you about?" Riley asked him in a challenging tone.

Farkle stood resolute, "About you. Are you okay?"

Riley cocked her head to the side and smiled, "I'm fine, Farkle."

Farkle shook his head, he stepped closer to her which only led to Riley stepping back. He let out a soft sign, she was never like this. "I don't think so. There's something you're not telling me Riley, what is it?"

Riley smiled, she tried her best to make sure her voice was jovial and pleasant as she settle her bag. "I'm fine, Farkle. How many times do I have to tell you that?"

Farkle blocked her path when he realized she was starting to step away, "Till I believe you. Riley I care too much about you to let you keep doing this. I know you better than you think, maybe Maya and Lucas don't want to admit it, but you're not acting like yourself."

"Who am I acting like then Farkle, hmm? Tell me." Riley asked softly.

She was avoiding his gaze.

If anything the old Riley would be staring straight at him.

Farkle cupped her face in one hand to make her look at him, "Not you. This isn't you."

That itchy feeling was a pain.

"I need to go." Riley informed him quickly only to be pulled back towards Farkle. He pulled her sleeve up but only was able to get a glimpse before Riley understood his reasoning of doing so. She pulled her arm away from him quickly. She looked destroyed, "Don't ever do that again." She warned him darkly before slamming her locker and leaving.

Zay waited till she was far away to make an appearance. He let out a low whistle, "How is it that you're the smart one but didn't know not to do that?" he asked the resident genius.

"Something isn't right with her." Farkle stated pointedly.

"Yeah." Zay stressed out like it was obvious, because it was. Anyone could tell there was something off with Riley. "But if she isn't ready to tell us than we can't force her to tell us. That's just going to make her run away from us farther."

"She's already running away from us Zay! She's completely ignoring Maya! That's not normal Riley behavior!" Farkle reasoned, albeit loudly.

Zay stepped back, "First of, control your voice. We don't need Riley's business being advertised across the school. And second, maybe she just needs a break from being "normal" Riley." Zay explained cautiously, air quotes and all. He could tell Farkle was pissed and concerned. He was unsure about how much he could say to Farkle and Maya considering he was the newest member of their group. But it had to be said. "Like I said, we go after Riley to tell us then it's just going to make her go running away from us farther. If she needs to break away for a while to figure some stuff out then let her. She'll come back when she's ready, the most important thing is to make sure she knows we have her back…and not to repeat what you just did. That was dumb."

Farkle took a moment to stare at Zay in awe. "How did you get so good at this?

Zay guffawed, "Pfft, I watched a lot of Oprah."

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Two cups of tea were settled on the table, along with a bowl of grapes. Riley liked being in therapy, regardless of the fact it was only her third day. The room was always calm and quiet, the scent of oranges and vanilla permeated throughout the room as she took a sip of her chai.

"So you wouldn't be aghast to playing a game, would you?" Amira asked Riley as the older woman pushed back her chair to make room on the floor to sit down. A purple and blue box next to her.

Riley slid down and sat next to her on the ground, "No, what kind of game?" She asked cautiously as she peered at the box. The lid has pictures of a bunch of girls around her age smiling as if the pictures were for a yearbook spread.

Amira dumped out the contents of the box onto the table. "Ever played jenga?"

Riley was surprised, she actually loved the game and had played it many times with her father when she was younger. Unlike the bright orange blocks she was accustomed to, the blocks on the table were purple and blue and had writing on the side.

"What is the one thing you wished people knew about you?" Riley read off the block frowning as she did so.

Amira smiled, she gingerly took back the block to assemble the tower, "As you just saw, its not your usual jenga. It's called emotional jenga. It's a nice little ice breaker game to get to know each other better."

"Never thought we would get to play games in therapy." Riley mused out loud.

Amira laughed, "Ooh, tons of games. Talking can only lead to so many doors." She pointed her thumb at the television and gaming system. "IF you want we could even talk while playing Mario Kart."

Riley genuinely smiled, "I would like that!" it was game she had also played a lot with her dad. They would spend hours on rainy days and played Mario Kart when she was younger. She could clearly remember laughing as she would play as Princess Peach and her dad played at Yoshi (voice and all) as they cookies besides each other.

"Good." Amira replied back, sipping her drink. She motioned her chin towards the assembled blocks. "You go first."

Riley sighed, somewhat knowing that was going to happen. She pulled out a block from the middle of the tower slowly and read it out loud. "Who in your life do you admire?" she didn't give herself a moment to think it over. "My dad."

Amira raised her brow in response, "Why is that?"

Riley shrugged, "Well because he's my dad. He's been there for me through thick and thin, he would watch me while my mother was in law school. We would spend days on end together, he even would take me to his classes when he was getting his master's degree in history." Riley smiled as she remembered going with her dad to his campus library and spending hours reading alongside him. She remembered vividly the pictures of historical figures in the books her dad would read and loved watching historical documentaries with him. "He never let me have a dull day." Riley explained.

Amira chuckled, "That's incredibly sweet." She pulled out a block. "You and your dad sound very close."

Riley nodded, "He's actually my best friend." Riley stated softly, almost surprising herself. She caught Amira smiling at her, "Read yours'."

Amira shook her head and read off the block, "Where is your favorite place? Easy, Housing Works."

Riley grinned excitedly, "The bookstore?"

Amira nodded, "Yep! Is that your favorite place too?" she asked as she set the block aside.

Riley shook her head 'No.', "My favorite place is the American museum of natural history."

"Really? Why?"

Riley shrugged, "They have this really nice planetarium that I love to visit when it's difficult to see the stars. It would better if they didn't down grade Pluto but it's better than having no starts to look at." Riley explained looking sentimental. She was ready to pull out another block but then paused. She shifted her gaze onto her therapist. "I see what you did there."

Amira tilted her head, looking smug. "Been at this for a very long time Riley." She popped a grape into her mouth. "What does your block say?"

Riley pursed her lip, feeling not at all annoyed or betrayed as she thought she would about being tricked to answer a question not directed for her. She pulled out another block and read off the question, "Tell a time where you felt lonely."

Riley smiled, "Never."

Amira looked at her quizzically, "Never?" She repeated.

"I have friends and family, I'm never really alone." She smiled

Amira pressed her lips together, carefully forming her words now. "You're on social media, aren't you Riley?"

"Yes." Riley replied unsure.

"Ever head or seen the word 'eccedentesiast' thrown around?"

"No."

"Well it's not a bad word or anything to that affect, but I think its word that best describes you."

"What does it mean?" Riley asked carefully, not liking where Amira was going. Why did she have to do this, they were playing and having fun just seconds ago.

"It's just a zeitgeist way of saying you wear a smile all the time, even when you don't want to smile. You're just wearing the smile to hide something else from everyone. I think that's what you're doing."

Riley became defensive quick. "No I am not!" She got up to sit on the couch, "I'm just smiling. I always smile. They even call me Smiley Riley!" Riley reasoned, "I just smile. I can't help it." She smiled again to show it was just her thing.

Amira though didn't look convinced, she moved back to sit on her chair. "You see I don't believe _you_ believe that." Amira gently chided, "I saw you smile when you were talking about your dad and when you got excited about Housing Works and the planetarium. Your eyes were just bright, the smile actually met your eyes. But when you tried to convince me that you never felt alone it just didn't meet your eyes, it just was there like a mask instead." Amira told her, passing her a tissue as noticed a stray tear cascade Riley's cheek. "Besides that, now I am just curious about how does a girl who admitted to me only a few days ago that she doesn't know how to be happy any more keep smiling. I genuinely want to know."

Riley felt her body turn cold. She remembered saying that. "I just need to smile." Riley told her, her emotions just barely at the cusp of her control.

"Why though? Why do you need to smile when you can't?"

Riley sniffed, her vision was just blurry and watery now as she remembered what her mother has told her dad. "Because… because it's the only thing I'm good at."


	3. Chapter 3

****Trigger warning for: description of self-harming****

Cory couldn't stop his knee from shaking. He wasn't nervous, per say. He was just at a lost at this point. It had been a few since Ms. Habib had officially diagnosed Riley with persistent depressive disorder. Now…

"Cory."

"My brother!"

Eric and Shawn had arrived at the coffee shop at the same time. Shawn was the first to approach him to hug him while Eric gave him their usual fist bump.

"What's up little bro!?" Eric nearly squealed as he grabbed Cory's cup of coffee from the table. "Wow that is disgusting. You _are_ turning into Feeney dude."

Cory shook his head and smiled, "Missed you too Eric."

Shawn only smiled at the older man's antic before he spoke to his best friend, "What's up Cor? You sounded nervous over the phone. Everything okay?" He asked studying Cory. His friend still looked nervous and slightly a bit pale.

"No, no really." Cory rubbed his face before sitting down between Shawn and Eric. "Do you guys remember the first few years after we came here?"

Eric made a pfft noise before laughing, "Course we do!" he took another sip of Cory's coffee before spitting it back out into the cup. "Why do I keep drinking this?!"

Cory sighed and signaled for a waitress to come over and ordered two lattes and another black coffee. "How bad was I?" Cory asked seriously looking at the two for a reaction.

Eric and Shawn shared a look, they both looked bewildered at the question. "Cor, you were another person."

"Actually you were barely a person." Eric corrected, the excitement in his voice gone now, "Gosh, it took like four hours just to get out of the bed." Eric shivered at the memories of his little brother having no energy to want to do anything a few weeks after arriving to New York.

It was a rough couple of years, Eric and Shawn did everything they could to hide Cory's issues from Topanga. Fortunately Cory also wanted to hide his issues from Topanga. His wife never knew that he could barely get out of the bed till 2 in the afternoon and that he was having issues with finding work or a major to take interest in. Hell, all of Cory's old hobbies no longer interested him. Eric and Shawn were thankful that Topanga was too stressed from attending law school and that Cory was a good actor.

"Why are we talking about this though? You snapped out of it." Shawn reminded him.

"Yeah, because of Riley. I only got better when I found out Topanga was pregnant." Cory explained simply, "I never really got helped, I just…I don't know." He rubbed his face.

Eric rubbed his back, "C'mon bro, what brought this up now?" He was concerned, things had immediately improved for his brother after Riley was born. Cory was a different person, a better husband, and an amazing father. He wasn't aware of Cory having anymore of his days of "funk".

"Riley." Cory answered, "She hasn't been the same for a while now so Topanga and I took her to see a therapist." He said slowly, rubbing his hands on his thighs as the words came out. He sounded like he was still trying to get his mind around it. "She was diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder."

Both men frowned at the diagnosis, "And what exactly is that?" Shawn asked unsure.

"It's a low level form of depression. It's also chronic." Cory explained.

Eric pulled a face of confusion and understanding. "Is she alright?"

"Are you two going to medicate her?" Shawn asked at the same time.

Cory pressed his lips together in annoyance. His mind flashing back to his arguments with Topanga over the issues of medicating, "Yeah, yeah. She's alright." He turned to Shawn and frowned, "And no, we're not medicating her! Why is everyone harping on that!?"

Shawn looked affronted, he put both his hands up in surrender. "I wasn't harping, just asking. It's not unusual for someone to be on medication when they are depressed, Cor."

"Yeah? Well, it's not needed." Cory snapped.

Eric and Shawn shared another look. "So…this isn't about Riley, this is about you guilt tripping over what? Passing your depression onto Riley?"

Cory buried his face into his hands, "I don't know what to do."

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Riley knew she should be eating. But her appetite was gone, especially since she failed not only her second English assignment but her biology test as well. She was sitting alone in the bathroom again in the senior wing. Her blade pressed against her inner thigh.

She was doing well till she heard Lucas and Maya talk the day before.

Lucas was comforting Maya, who was upset about Riley ignoring her. "She's not a real friend then, Maya. Real friends don't do this." Lucas tried to comfort her.

Maya's voice sounded torn, "I don't know what I did. She's never done this before." Maya reasoned. Riley peeked from behind the corner to see Lucas pull Maya into a tight hug.

"She doesn't understand that she's lucky to have a friend like you. She's just being Riley."

Riley felt betrayed and cold all over. Why would Lucas say something like that? Did he think she was being mean? Selfish? Rude?

Maya sniffed, "Maybe I should try going to her place again?" Maya asked fulling away from the hug to wipe her face.

Lucas frowned, "Or maybe you should realize you have better friends."

Riley winced as she recalled Lucas's words, the blade ripping through her skin revealing little pockets of blood. She felt the itchiness subside, finally.

She sat through history class with the feeling of Zay and Farkle watching her as she ignored Maya and Lucas.

She wasn't ignoring Maya to be mean but to keep her safe from Riley. Riley felt that Maya would try her best to save her. But she knew she couldn't be saved, especially by a friend who would go around the world for her at a drop of a hat. Riley didn't want that for Maya, she wanted Maya to live.

She was snapped out of her thoughts when two small crumpled papers landed on her desk simultaneously. She opened the first ball of paper to see a flower with the capital "Z" next to it. She almost smiled at Zay's antics, he had been trying to check in on her it appeared but from a safe distance- which she appreciated. The other note has a small star and heart with the letter "F" next to it. Well, it was nice to know she had two friends to make sure she was grounded.

Her dad turned back their latest assignment face down on her table. 'B-, figures.' Riley read off the grade, there was a little note signed by her dad requesting that they talk after school. Another balled up note landed on her desk, this time it had a heart with the question "Can we talk? –M" sprawled next to it.

She was honestly sick of talking.

(" _Are you talking_?")

(" _Or are you just hiding_?")

She was starting to feel that itch again.

Riley didn't to her dad's class afterschool and didn't meet up with Maya to talk.

She knew what her dad wanted to talk about and she knew she needed to save Maya from this friend, or whatever was left of it.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Riley looked at the books on Ms. Habib's bookshelf. There was a few rows in particular that always had Riley's attention when she came int. A set of books about trafficking, girlhood, and sexuality made her mind wonder to what was in those books. They were different colors and sizes, all by different writers, all of them women writers (or at least had female sounding names). She pulled out a book about trafficking with a picture of a group of girls looking blankly at her. She was only a few sentences into the synopsis to find out what trafficking was when she heard Ms. Habib come in.

"Hey Riley, sorry about that." She found Riley still standing next to her shelf. "Looking for some light reading?"

Riley smiled, "Not really?"

Amira only crossed her arms and smiled, "Let's get you away from that section until its needed, okay?"

Riley hunkered down on the brown leathery chair, a bottle of water already in hand. "Sure." She still didn't feel like talking, but knew that she was bottled up from today's and yesterday's drama. She set the water bottle on her thigh and winced as the cold bottle made her pants chaffed against her fresh and healing cuts.

Amira didn't miss it. "You okay?"

Riley smiled, "Yeah, just shock of cold water." Riley lied easily with a smile. Amira raised a brow, not believing her at all. Riley took a deep breath, ready for the older woman to berate her. But instead…

"So, we're gonna do something a little different here today." Amira told her, getting up to move the table back and then moving the single chair so it faced Riley.

Riley looked confused but bemused, "What are we doing?"

Amira sat in front of her, the chair was pulled close, so close that Riley could see the Amira's rose gold earrings behind her hair and the dark purple eyeshadow. This was awkward.

"W-what are we doing?" Riley repeated again, this time sounding nervous.

"I know you and your mom have issues with each other Riley. That's obvious." Amira explained, "Whenever you talk about her you almost fold into yourself. You don't even call her your mom, you call her your mother. It almost sounds cold."

"Like her?" Riley mumbled relaxingly.

Amira looked taken back, "You don't think I heard that this time? Or the Freudian slip from before?"

Riley bit her lip, not wanting to confirm she did feel that way about her mother. She knew her mother didn't want her. "Every mother and daughter have their issues."

Amira nodded, "Yeah," she agreed, "But that comes with coming of age, but I think there's something else between the two of you that neither one of you want to confront for whatever reason." Amira moved to sit next to her. "I know you feel isolated by everyone right now, even those who say they are for you. I also know it sucks when the one person you want to have by your side refuses to stand by you."

Riley sniffed, "It's not that bad." She lied.

"Is it?" Amira questioned, "I usually like to have my client's parents or guardians sit in during sessions when its' appropriate but before I do that I like for the client to be ready or at least know what's the issues in order for them to confront it."

"Meaning?" Riley asked annoyed and interested at once.

Meaning you're going to have a discussion with your mom right now."

Riley could feel the panic set in quickly, "She's here?!" she asked, standing up immediately from the sofa.

Amira cocked her head to the side and moved to stand behind the single chair. "Yes. She's right in front of you." Riley looked confused and slowly sat back down, frowning at her therapist. "This is called the empty chair intervention."

"What's it supposed to do?" Riley asked perplexed, now just staring at the char as if it might come to life.

"I know why you're unhappy and why' you want to keep faking like you're happy, but you haven't mentioned your mom outright since we started our sessions. Anytime I bring her up you either mumble under your breath or try to change the subject."

"I don't."

"You do, actually."

Riley turned her face away.

"What is the number one thing I told you I would do?"

Riley sighed, "Be honest with me, even when I want or need to hide." Riley repeated Amira's promise during their first official session.

Amira smiled, "Exactly, you are a wonderful girl Riley but you've been bottling everything in a smile. This seems like something you might need in order to break some more bottles."

Riley looked at the chair again, "So what am I supposed to do then? Just talk to it like my mother's there?"

Amira nodded, grabbing her notebook off the table and sitting on the edge of the table to watch. "Yep."

Riley stared at the chair for a few minutes, her fingers peeling off the label from the water bottle. "I don't know I'm doing here!" she yelled after of few minutes of just staring.

Amira smirked, "That usually happens, so I'll help you out." She stood next to the chair, "What would your mother being wearing?"

Riley shrugged, "One of her suits. She's mostly always wearing her suit, or a blazer." Riley answered.

Amira looked over Riley, "What would she say about your clothes right now?"

Riley examined her clothes, her mother did actually say something about her yellow frilly jumpsuit and blue bangles before she had left for school. "Why are you wearing so much yellow?"

Amira frowned, "Really?"

Riley nodded and rubbed her hands on her thighs, "She would say 'why are you wearing so much yellow? Are you trying to prove your Ms. Sunshine today?'

"What would you say back?" Amira asked steadily.

"I like yellow."

"What would she say back?"

Riley blinked she hadn't actually responded after her mother asked why so much yellow, she just left. But she knew her mother would have told her, "It's not your color though."

Riley responded, this time unprompted by Amira. "But I like it."

"It just doesn't look good on you Riley, you should try something different."

"Would you say the same thing to Maya?" Riley asked, she could see her mother in front of her now. Mrs. Topanga Matthew, up and coming New York attorney and business woman. In her perfect hair, make up, and clothes.

"Well Maya can pull off yellow actually. And the frills. Why are you getting so upset? It's just a jumpsuit Riley." 'Topanga's' face twisted into a look of hurt, her arms folded against her chest.

"Because you always dote on Maya, always! Even when you admit she's turning into me she gets more praise!" Riley began to yell, getting up from the couch.

"Because Maya needs support, her mother can't always help. You know that."

"I also know that I need support, you don't encourage me like you do with Maya or even Auggie."

'Topanga' got up, "I raised you! Don't that I never supported you!"

Riley pushed back some hair that had fallen into her face, "No, dad raised me! He supports me! You just never wanted me, you never could meet me halfway!"

"Well maybe if you acted like you had some common sense instead of just being ideal like your father, maybe I could feel like we could talk!"

"I want to talk! I want to talk all the time! But you are never there for me! You make time for Auggie, for Maya, for Dad, even for Maya's mom! But not for me? What's wrong with me?" Riley started to cry, she slowly sunk down to the floor and looked up at 'Topanga'. "What's so wrong with me that you can't even stand to talk to me for more than a few minutes?" she tried to wipe away the tears but only more fell, "If I was more like you, could we talk then? If I had a talent? I'm still trying to find out who I am, why don't you accept that? What's with me trying to find myself?"

Riley sniffed, she knew what her mother would say. The words left her sounding so much like Topanga's that she honestly felt that her mother was actually in the room, "I already knew who I was when I was fourteen Riley. I knew exactly what I wanted in life and how to get it, I just don't know why you can't." Riley broke down again, laying down on the floor and crying softly. She could hear the chair being pushed back farther.

She opened her eyes, a watery looking Amira was laid down next to her a few feet away. "I hate this game." Riley admitted in a choked voice.

Amira passed her a tissue, "It's a sucky game, but how do you feel?" Amira asked softly.

Riley blew her noise and wiped her eyes the best she could, "I didn't know I was that angry at her." Riley admitted honestly, frowning at all the exposed wounds she had opened unknowingly between her mother and her.

Amira pressed her lips together in understanding, "It's a little weird to realize how much you can bottle, especially when it's something you're just used to doing." Amira offered a hand to help Riley get up. "You did really great though." Amira complimented her as she helped Riley get up from the floor and passed her the box of tissues that were on the table. She moved the chair back to its original place and sat down, along with Riley, in their usual places.

"Have you ever asked your mom those questions before?" Amira asked once Riley collected herself together again.

Riley shook her head 'no'.

Amira made a note of something in her journal, "Where did you get those response for you mother from then?"

Riley shrugged.

Amira sighed, "Please don't shut down on me now, Riley. You're doing great. I know that took a lot out of you."

Riley's lower lip began to tremble, "I know." She took a deep breath and breathed out. "I just…I never told her how angry I was at her before."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing in your book?" Amira asked studying her.

"Bad, I guess?" Riley looked down at her hands, each had a crumpled tissue in each hand. "I never realized how much we really resented each other and just couldn't talk to each other."

Amira made a soft "Hmm." sound, "Do you think your mom feels the same way as you do?"

Riley nodded, "Yes. Because to her, I'm not Riley, the daughter of Mr. Cory Matthews and Mrs. Topanga Matthews, the perfect couple." She relaxed more into the chair and pulled her legs close to her chest. "To her, I think I'm just the daughter of Cory Matthews." Riley admitted slowly but surely, a slight frown wrinkling her brow.

Amira looked as if she were considering that to be fact. "Is that really the case though?"

Riley took a few minutes to answer, "Yeah," she nodded, "It's truer than anything really."

They started to work on different intervention in where Riley had to find words on a list of self-esteemed words to describe her, which led back to the issues of Riley believing she wasn't talented enough to do anything.

"Why don't you think you're talented enough to do anything?" Amira asked sounding perplexed.

Riley was showing signs of being annoyed throughout the intervention, it was difficult to pick out positive adjective from the list and give examples as well, even when encouraged from Amira.

"I just don't have any talent. I mean I have friends who are smarter than me, better in sports than me, better in art than me, and just better than me."

Amira looked confused, "What does have to do with you having talent?"

"What doesn't it have to do with it?" Riley snapped.

"Riley," Amira started off slowly in a calm manner, "Your friends being better than you in things doesn't mean you don't have talent, it doesn't even mean that they _are_ better than you. It just means they beat you once, you can still beat them. But competing has nothing to do with talent or hobbies."

Riley sighed dramatically, her hands clasped between her legs, "So my dad said."

"He's right." Amira offered simply. "So let's say your friends couldn't beat you then, what would be your talent or talents?"

Riley shrugged, "Dancing? I used to like theatre as well. Dancing more so."

"Did you ever join clubs or classes?"

She shrugged again, "I did, I was in a drama club and took dance classes...but I stopped going to drama after my teacher said I was too much and my dance teacher would always praise this other student."

Amira massaged her temples, "A drama teacher said you were "too much"?" She asked in disbelief.

Riley nodded.

Amira shook her head and smiled, "Ha, my drama teacher told my best friend in high school she didn't have enough soul and the right temperament to be in drama club."

Riley frowned, that didn't sound right at all, "What did your friend do?"

Amira smiled, "She still went to drama classes and then took his advices to heart, became more bubbly and smiley."

Riley was taken back a bit, that sounded like how most people would have described her.

"Did she fit in better?"

Amira pouted and shrugged, laying back in her chair as she did so, "She thought so, till her drama teacher pulled her aside and said she was too much."

"What?!" Riley exclaimed, "That's not right, you can't tell someone they don't fit in expect them to change and then not like how they change! That isn't how things are supposed to work!"

"Yeah…" Amira agreed, "But how is it supposed to work though?"

Riley stayed silent for a moment, at a lost about how to answer. "I-I don't know." She answered wide eyed. "I don't know how it should be. I mean, I want things to work out, but they never do."

Amira nodded, expecting that would be the answer, "High school and adults suck, people expect you to find yourself before you can legally drive a car, and then they expect you to know what you want to do with your life before you even know what taxes are." Amira mused to a still shocked Riley. "It's not supposed to work like that and in all honestly, it doesn't work period. People always change and continue to change, regardless of their age. That's why you need to know that regardless of what people say to you and say about you, whether it's you're too much or not enough, they can't know you and they can't change you to their ideal "Riley". It's not about them Riley, it's about you and what you want for yourself."

Riley smiled to herself, "It's my world?"

"Yes."

"My dad would tell me that."

Amira looked mildly surprised, "You have a smart dad then."

"I have the _best_ dad." Riley corrected, she looked more alive more so now than ever today.

Towards the end of the session Amira passed Riley a form, a referral for 8 classes at Queens Dance Academy.

"You want me to dance?"

Amira flinched at the suggestion, "Sort of, it's actually an intervention that I think you would like called movement therapy, or dance therapy." She explained as she handed a brochure about the Academy and about movement therapy. "It helps connect emotion to movement, you mentioned you liked to move a lot during previous sessions. I think this will help you get your emotions out across better, especially those we uncovered today."

Riley couldn't help but feel a sense of excitement at the pictures of people (all different ages, race, and gender) spin around, another picture had a different group of students with their arms linked together, each of them swaying in one direction. She hugged the brochure close, "Thank you." She sniffed.

"Why are you crying?"

Riley smiled true this time, "Because I can."

Amira laughed as she guided Riley out, "Yes, yes you can." She praised Riley, "You did great today and you'll do great tomorrow. Kaycee, the therapist leading the dance group is expecting you. Everything else has been approved by your parents already. Okay?"

Riley couldn't help but let her excitement show, she felt hopeful about attending the class. She didn't know why, it just felt like something "Old" Riley would have liked. "Okay."

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxox

It was Riley's first day of movement therapy. She was excited when she woke up but the excitement began to wore off as she went through her day at school. She had failed another test- this time math. She overheard two sophomores trash talk her while she in line in the cafeteria- knowing full well that they knew she was behind them. She had tried to eat her lunch but ended up throwing it up half-way through study hall. What was worse? She had over did with the blade and now had a huge cut across her knee.

It stung when she walked and the cut was now chaffing against her sweat pants.

Riley had gone through out the whole day dodging her friends and ignoring their messages. She looked down at her phone to see a new message from Maya, asking Riley to please call her and that she missed her and that she was sorry and that…blah blah blah.

Riley deleted all the messages between her and Maya and even went as far as to erase Maya's number from her phone. She couldn't be friends with a balloon while she was still just a rock. She needed to let Maya go for her Maya's sake. Her (former) best friend (that stung to think or say) needed better friends than her and needed a best friend who could actually be her equal and not just a low leveled sidekick.

…She then deleted Lucas's number and erased his messages as well.

(He had chosen Maya over her. That was already decided, whether official or not, he decided)

She felt better and…lighter?

'I feel lighter." Riley realized as she walked into the dance academy. It was pretty but simple, blue speckled tiles on the floor, a white painted brink wall, and orange lights. Riley looked at the picture of past and present dancers on the wall as she signed in and was directed to which dance hall her dance therapy class would take place in.

She was almost there when she passed by what could only be described as a fish bowl. It was a large ceiling to floor window into another dance class. Riley could hear the music pounding out from the room, she stepped closer to the glass and saw there was only one person in the room dancing. She looked to be around Riley's age. Riley stepped closer as the girl danced to song that sounded like it was slow but with a heavy base, Riley recognized the dance as contemporary dance. She looked at the girl, mesmerized by the girl's dancing. The girl looked almost poetic as she continued to dance to the song, her afro swayed as she danced. Riley smiled as she noticed the girl had on a yellow top, her red-pink lipstick stood out beautifully against her brown skin.

Riley was staring for so long she never realized that the song had stopped and that her entire face was plastered against the window till the girl gave her a closed lipped smile and a small wave.

Riley ran off as quickly as possible.

Back at Amira's office…

Amira turned around quickly as her door opened without noticed revealing her coworker and a young boy that she didn't recognize. "Anuj?" the older man had the younger boy by the cuff of his shirt.

"He insisted that he should speak to you. When Torri told him he needed an appointment he just barged in here." Anuj explained, nearly growling at the boy.

Amira shrugged, "Do you have an appointment to talk to me? I know you're not on my case load." She asked, she didn't recognize the boy at all.

The boy shook his head 'No', "I needed to talk to you about a client you might be seeing."

Amira's eyes widened for a moment, "Oh? Is that all?" Amira clapped her hands together, "Anuj, call security for me."

The boy looked rightfully startled, "No! No! I just wanted to talk, please? It's really important!" The boy patted himself down, "Look? Nothing on my person!" He shook out his own jacket and turned all of his pockets inside out. "I just need to talk to you, please? I'll pay for your time."

Anuj and Amira looked at each other, "You do realize that legally I cannot tell you anything about a client? Not even confirm if they are seeing me or not, right?"

The boy signed, "I know that, but I believe that I deduced she's your client."

Amira looked skeptical, "Deduced? How so?"  
"I'm a genius." The boy stated simply.

"That has yet to be confirmed." Anuj quipped, earning a laugh from Amira.

"Please?" The boy asked again.

Amira looked up before letting him know he had five minutes with her and that he couldn't ask any questions about the person he believed was seeing Amira as a client.

"What's your name by the way?" Amira asked as she assured Anuj things were fine and walked him out, she left the door open.

"Farkle Minkus."


	4. Chapter 4

****Trigger warning for: description of self-harming****

Red-pink lipstick was the only thing Riley could think about. It was making her mind fuzzy as the dance therapist, Ms. Kaycee, introduced herself and two new students, Riley and boy who looked a few years younger than Riley.

Riley haze was broken through as the group immediately got into a circle as soon as Kaycee instructed them to do so. Kaycee was petite and short, short buzzed black hair, tattoos up and down her arm and shoulders, piercings on her nose and left eyebrow. Riley couldn't help but smirk, Kaycee might be tiny, but the voice and appearance alone were intimidating.

Kaycee rounded them up in a circle, a large tarp was in the middle of the circle. "So today's topic is connecting and releasing. I want us to connect with each other in today's class. Many of us have held our emotions for too long, to the point where it's stale and building. When our feelings do that then we start to crack. Let's begin."

Riley picked up two straps that were attached to the tarp which was light, huge, and colorful. The bright colors added more of a splash to the pink and brown room they were in.

"Okay…Let's begin. Tarp up and repeat after me: I am not…and finish your sentence."

Riley was fourth in the circle to go, the group was in sync as the lifted the tarp up and down. "Riley, your turn." Kaycee alerted her.

Riley could only think of red-pink lipstick. "I-I am not, I'm not afraid." Riley shouted.

She honestly couldn't figure out why she chose that word.

Red-pink lipstick _was_ making her go fuzzy.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Amira fell back in her chair, letting the boy step aside to get to the couch. "Okay, Mr. Minkus." Amira started, feeling slightly annoyed and confused. "Explain yourself."

"I know legally you can't tell me if my friend is seeing you, but I was able to deduce that she is your client based on the amount of therapist available in a 5 miles radius who accepts the Matthews' insurance and those who specialize in adolescent care."

Amira shook her head in disbelief, "How do even know your friend's insurance?"

Farkle had a smug look, "I have an IQ of 187."

Amira nodded, "Really?"

Farkle nodded, "Yep, I come from a long line of genius." Farkle explained.

"Nice, I have an I.Q of 193. But I don't put too much weight on it. Genius isn't exactly monochromic. Everyone has their niche."

Farkle didn't hear her after 193. "You have an IQ of what now?"

Amira let out a little laugh as she got up and made herself a cup of tea. "You hear me Mr. Minkus." She raised a plain white mug. "Care for a cup of tea?"

Farkle still looked in awe. "How do you have an IQ of 193 and do this?  
Amira raised a brow at that, "Do what exactly?  
"Just be a therapist? Therapists don't really make a lot of money depending on what field they go into, I'm assuming you have a MSW degree? They don't make money. At least do something that's not so boring."

Amira took a sip of her tea. "Hmm…what would you so suppose I should do?"

"I don't know, something in science? In business? Something that makes money?" Farkle asked, he could feel himself getting worked up. He was taught all his life that those two career fields where the only fields smart people actually went through because it made sense, it made them successful, and it made them so rich that the people that once looked down at them couldn't even afford to look at them anymore.

"What if those two didn't make me happy?" Amira asked simply, setting down a cup for Farkle- who could only take it unsteadily in his hands.

"What?"

"I love science and research, but I don't think I have the temperament to be in a lab all day, same goes for business. I love working with people. I make a difference that way."

"But- but, you don't feel like you wasted your genius away?"

Amira pursed her lips for a moment. "Do you feel like you're doing that?"

Farkle blinked, "Uhh…" he smiled, "That's not what I came down here to talk about." He set down the cup without even touching it. "I wanted to know how to help my friend. I know she's seeing you, I just wanted to know if there is anything that I can do."

"You have an IQ of 187, why would you come here and seek an MSW for help?"

Farkle was taken aback, Amira sounded harsh. "Because you're the expert and you would know better than I would?"

Amira smirked, "But you're her friend? I would imagine you have some ideas on how to help and support her."

Farkle was starting to feel awkward here. He began to rub his neck nervously. "This isn't my strong suit, to be honest."

"Why is that?"  
Farkle sighed, he adjusted his shirt. "I- I don't know really. I just don't like talking about how I feel. I don't really know how to talk about how I feel. I just usually say stuff so that I don't burst later."

Amira looked interested, "That's an interesting way to put it. To be honest you're doing a good job so far telling me how you feel. What are the stuff you try to say before you burst?"

Farkle took a deep breath. "Stuff like, I think I'm wasting your time." He sniffed, "I-I should go."

He was almost out the door when Amira called out to him. "Mr. Minkus."

Amira walked slowly towards him, studying him a bit as she did. "You're a good friend. You will be dropping by my office again."

Farkle frowned, "Is that a question or an order, ma'am?"

Amira smiled fondly this time. "It's an order."

Farkle nodded before scampering off.

As soon as Farkle was out of the lobby…

"You saw his neck right?" Torri asked with concern.

Anuj and Amira both looked worried. "I got a peak at it a few times. Anuj, you saw it better?"

The older man nodded, looking quite grave. "I saw some old scarring down his neck as well."

Amira could only stare out the door that Farkle had left through.

"Oh no! I know that look!" Torri sighed dramatically. She pointed at Amira with a pen. "That's your mama bear look right there!"

Anuj could only smile between the two of them. He knew the look of which Tori was talking about. Amira had the tendency to be rather other protective of adolescents.

"If someone is beating up on that kid, you better know that I will go into mama bear mode." Amira warned severely before walking back into her office.

Torri let out a low whistle, "I seriously hope that kid's abuser doesn't meet Amira in a dark alley, we don't need Jallani losing it again because of a scared parent."

Anuj blanched, remembering Amira's past incident with a client's abusive parent. Amira and he were roughly the same height, but it was definitely a work out and challenge to hold back Amira when she flipped. Anuj sighed, "I'm gonna work out for a bit, just in case."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Riley looked up at the ceiling as she took a few deep breathes, dance therapy felt so relaxing and freeing, and yet contained. Her emotions were going everywhere as the class jumped, spun, and swayed. Kaycee had made them shout, whisper, and talk about their fears, their insecurities, and their trust in themselves and others. It was amazing, crying and laughing in a safe room with others who were crying and laughing as well.

Riley put her hand on her heart, feeling it ease into a calming beat as she continued again. She was happy. Truly happy and lighter than she had felt in weeks.

She got up to stretch. Class was over, but she had decided to stay for a while. She wasn't alone, Kaycee and a few other students were still in the room. Kaycee had explained after the session that student were allowed to stay until they felt ready to step out again.

It was nice to get a pause.

She was humming softly when she saw the girl again, red-pink lips caught her attention yet again. Riley wasn't sure what had made her step into the class, but she found herself watching the girl and a few other girls around her age dance serenely to a melodic song.

"Can I help you?" a male voice broke through.

"What?" Riley jumped and turned to see an older man next to her. He was tall and buff, Riley took a moment to stare at his right arm, which was covered in tattoos. Riley thought the man was handsome with his beard and long dreadlocks. His voice was calm and soft, he smiled at Riley. "I'm sorry for startling you. Where you looking for someone?"

The whole class had stopped dancing to stare at her, Riley noticed quickly. The music had stopped as well. The girl with the red-pink lipstick caught her glance, offering Riley a shy smile.

Riley felt her heart flip.

' _Oh boy_!'

"I-I was just watching them dance." Riley sputtered softly. "You guys are really good."

Most of the girls smiled back, said thank you, or shrugged. Red pink lipstick smiled back.

The man laughed, "They are quite the impressive group. You're welcome to join us if you want."

This caused fear to course through Riley like nothing had before, "Oh no! You wouldn't want me! I-I don't think I'm good enough to be in your group. I would mess it up."

A girl with bright pink hair braided back laughed, "That's the point of taking classes though, we mess up but practice to get better." She explained resolutely. She pointed at the girl next to her, "Nia had two left feet when she joined, but now she's almost as good as me." The girl smiled as Nia pushed the pink hair girl, muttering a soft "Shut up."

"Nomi is right, we don't all start out good." The man agreed, "You're welcome to stay if you want or whenever you're ready."

Riley couldn't help but feel unwanted and dejected, "You're going to kick me out when you see me. Everyone does."

The man lowered himself till he was eye level with Riley. "I know you just had a session with Kaycee since that class just let out. If I know one thing about Kaycee, she would tell you never be afraid of what you are and what you have to create." He straighten up again, "I'll make you deal, you can stay for the rest of the class for fun. We can talk later if you want to stay." He offered Riley. "I'm Ramik."

Riley nodded, "Riley."

Ramik smiled and looked over to the class, "Well Riley, welcome to contemporary dance."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Riley was on the floor again, this time at Amira's office.

"He wants me to come back to class." Riley had finished telling Amira her dance therapy and contemporary dance class.

Amira smiled, looking down at Riley from her seat on the chair, "Sounds like you had a lot of fun yesterday." She honestly didn't know why Riley had just laid on the ground once she was in the office, but she didn't question it. Riley would get there eventually.

"I did."

"But something is off?"

Riley nodded, "I-I want to go back."

"To the dance therapy class or the contemporary class?"

"Both." Riley sighed, "I want to go to both. I was so happy in both. I wasn't just the daughter of the great Cory and Topanga, or Maya's friend, or the third best student next to the genius that are Farkle and Smackle. I was Riley, the girl who could sway and twirl and jump, singing and shouting without judgement, without fear. It was freeing. I felt like me."

Amira nodded, "And you can't be you when you're not in dance?"

Riley looked up, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. The tears were already cascading past her temples. "Not without people questioning my sanity. I'm supposed to be like my mom, I'm supposed to be cool, calm, and collect. Not a weirdo who scares off everyone. Everyone expects me to be happy- undoubtedly happy. But when I am…"

Amira pursed her lips. "You're who?"

Riley pressed her lips together, "I'm not Riley to them, I'm a cartoon. Someone they want to watch and hear when they are down because they need a pick me up. They only need me, they don't want me." Riley admitted. "How do feel safe to be yourself when people just only want you to be yourself when they think it's the right time for you to be you?"

Amira nodded, "To be honest with you Riley, I don't know. People are so set in their ways because society is so set in its ways."

"I'm not weird. I'm just different." Riley mused.

"What's wrong with being either or both?" Amira asked.

Riley sat up, "Would you want to be weird?"

Amira chuckled, "Depends on where I'm at really. My family thinks I'm weird because of my hair color and my job. My friends think I'm weird because I still read comic books and prefer vinyl to iTunes and Spotify. I think people who like cheesy popcorn are weird, I think people who actually go to see a musical are weird. But that's my opinion, those are family and friends opinion. They're not fact."

"You don't think people who love purple cats are weird or think people are inherently good are weird?"

Amira scooted off her chair to sit across from Riley, "No. Neither of those are weird. Weird isn't bad, it's just another word for people to use when they feel removed from something or someone. They can't categorize what they seen or heard, so it's weird to them until they know what it is."

Riley nodded, "I never thought of myself as weird or different till people started calling me that." She shrugged, "I don't want to be seen as this weird cartoon character. I want to be seen as me. As Riley."

"People are going to call you whatever they feel like though."

Riley sighed, she picked up her cup of tea to have something to hold. "I'm never going to be taken seriously, am I?"

Amira frowned, she got up and walked over to her desk. "We're going to do a little inventory check." She explained as she walked back with two pieces of paper in hand. She passed one of them to Riley, along with a pen.

Riley looked over the sheet. It had random words like beautiful, smart, charming, active, friendly, and many more. "What is this?"

"An inventory list." Amira and Riley both sat down in their usual seats. "I want you to circle ten words that best describe you."

There were a lot of words to pick from. Riley took a few moments to circle the words that best described her. "Done."

"Great, now scratch out five of the words you picked."

"What?" Riley looked down at the words, "O-okay." It took a bit longer to pick out the words she wanted to scratch out. "Done."

"Good, now scratch out three more words."

Riley rolled her eyes. She was down to two words now. Thoughtful and Spirited.

"Now pick one word to scratch out."

Riley thought for a few minutes to scratch out thoughtful.

"Why did you pick those ten words?" Amira asked as she looked over the paper. Some of the words like lovable, beautiful and fun were not chosen by Riley. Riley had also scratched out smart during the first round and funny.

Riley shrugged, "I don't know, just were the ones that I picked."

"What made you pick them though?"

Riley pressed her lips together for a moment, she knew where this was going. Luckily she was entrusting of Ms. Habib ability to not judge her and to know what she was feeling. "There words that I've heard people use to describe me, mostly my dad and friends really."

"That's not a thing, we usually build our confidence on what people say and think about us. Do you agree with them though?"

"A little bit?"

Amira frowned, smirking a bit at Riley. "Was that a question or an answer?"

"Both?"

Amira guffawed, along with Riley. Riley laid back on the sofa. "I think I'm talented, and good hearted, and thoughtful, and spirited, and beautiful. But I don't think anyone else would say that about me."

"And?"

"And what?" Riley questioned.

"And what would you do if someone told you that you were all those things?" Amira asked.

Riley paused, "..I-I don't know." She paused again, "I don't think I ever thought about that really happening in reality."

"What would happen if someone told that in Rileytown?" Amira smiled, remembering the ideal place Riley had created for herself and others.

"I would hear that every day! Everyone would hear that and more every day!" Riley gushed. "No one would ever feel like they were made to be less than others, reminded that they aren't good enough to exist." Riley explained, her voice steadily losing its passion as she thought back to her bully, her mother, and friends. "But we don't live in Rileytown. I live in New York, I live in reality where people are bad…and good." She looked at Amira. "I-I have to believe in myself that I am all those words, don't I?" Riley asked unsure.

Amira shrugged.

Riley sighed, "It's not going to be easy."

"It is, you just have to do it every day. That's going to be the hard part." Amira explained gently. She passed over a blank sheet to Riley. "I want you to write the words that you describe yourself with, the words that actually would define Riley.

Riley nodded, for some reason the first word she wrote was lovable. Her hand was shaky as she continued to ignore the compliments and insults she had heard from her mom, grandparents, and friends use to describe her. Those words weren't her, they were words that her family and friends used to describe her because that how they saw her on any given particular day.

Riley was weird and different, and that was okay, right? She was also lovable, caring, talented, good natured, beautiful, out spoken, fierce, and so much more.

She was crying by the time she finished writing her last word. "I don't know why I'm crying." She sniffed.

Amira made a low "hmm." Noise, "Try again."

Riley coughed, "I don't know if I can believe it, if I am really all these things." Riley admitted, her voice shaky as tear drops turned spots on the paper translucent.

"That's why I want you to take this paper home and tape it to your door. I want you to repeat these words as many times as you can yourself or out loud every morning and before you go to bed." Amira explained to her, passing the tissue box closer. "You're a lot of thing Riley, but you need to know what those things are. You need to realize those traits as something you own and create and not _given_ to you by others."

Riley wiped away the tears, "I know. It's just going to be hard." She sniffed, "But it gets easier." She tried smiling before unleashing new tears. "I think I've cried more in this office than in my entire life." Riley realized. "What is in this room?!"

Riley and Amira laughed, "It's the color and candles, it just makes everyone unleash and weep every time." Joked Amira.

"Can I ask you something?" Riley asked after a few minutes. It was close to the session being over. Red-pink lipstick girl, also known as Harley (Riley had found out her name after Harley had approached her after class was done) was someone who she kept thinking about the whole night and day.

"Anything."

"How would I know if I'm bi-sexual?"

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Things were going so well until she got home. Riley was cornered by her mom, "Why are you no longer speaking to Maya?" Topanga asked concerned.

"What?" Riley asked, she took off her headphones.

Topanga rolled her eyes, "Why are you no longer speaking to Maya? Katy was telling me that she's been trying to talk you but you keep avoiding her? What's the matter between the two of you?"

Riley shrugged, she set down her pack bag on the floor as she went to get some snacks. "I just need some space."

"Riley." Riley flinched, she knew that tone. That was "you're not acting right" voice. "You can't just alienate your best friend. Maya is really worried about you."

"I know."

Topanga looked bewildered as she blocked one side of the kitchen. "If you know, then why are you doing it?"

Riley shrugged.

Topanga covered her mouth, "For the love-, Riley, Maya was so confused. She thought you hated her! Katy was even worried about you, she knows Maya would understand you having depression and going seeing a therapist. Maya's not the type of friend to alienate you when you're in trouble."

Ignoring the fact that her own mother seemed to be more worried about Maya than her own daughter, and also ignoring that her own mother had yet to ask her about therapy aside. Riley could only focus on one thing. "You told Maya's mom about me going to therapy?" Riley asked astounded. She could feel the proverbial punch to the gut as her mother answered "Yes."

"Why?"

"Honey, she's your friend she had the right to know what was wrong with you." Topanga explained, sounding bewildered as Riley's palpable annoyance.

Riley shook her head, "No, she didn't. You had no right to tell her about me being depressed and going to therapy?!"

"Riley." Riley gritted her teeth, she really hated when her mother would her name like a tranquilizer. "Katy was concerned about you. So was Maya. You can't just push people away honey."

Riley tugged the end of her hair. "I get that they were concerned about me, but you didn't have to tell them about my diagnosis and that I'm going to therapy!"

Topanga stilled, "So you're embarrassed that they know? Honey, people go to therapy everyday-"

Riley screamed, "Why don't you get it?! It has nothing with me being embarrassed. I'm not embarrassed about having depression or about seeing a therapist. I'll tell the world about it, but I wasn't ready to tell Maya. I wanted to tell her that in my own time, not on yours!" she pointed at her mother, "You had no right to do that!"

Topanga flinched, "Hey! I had every right to do that, you're my daughter! I can tell if I wanted-" she poked her finger at Riley's chest.

Riley swatted her mother's hand away. "Then act like my mother!" Riley screamed not caring that she cut her mother off, "You care about Maya more than me! You cared about soothing her concerns and didn't once considered about how I would feel?! Did it ever occur to you that I wasn't ready to tell Maya? That maybe she was trigger? Or even maybe that I didn't want to tell her because I didn't _want_ to tell her? It was suppose to be my choice and you took that away from me! And for what? To help Maya. To calm Maya. To make sure Maya is alright." Riley stepped back away from her mother when Topanga tried to step forward. She watched for a moment as a plethora of emotions washed over her mother's face before she dumped her cup in the sink. "Just stay away from me." Riley warned walking out of the kitchen.

She felt her phone buzz and unlocked it to see a message from Maya, she recognized the number any day. 'WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU HAD DEPRESSION? RILEY, I LOVE YOU. YOU SHOULD HAVE TALKED TO ME IF THIS IS WHAT KEEPING YOU AWAY FROM ME.' The message read, Riley deleted it and blocked Maya's number from calling or messaging her. For safe measures, she blocked Lucas as well.

She would await to block the others if they texted her about her mom's confession.

That itchy feeling was coming back fierce now. She slammed the door to her room and locked it, the blinds had been drawn and windows locked so that no one could enter her room through the bay window. She didn't miss the sunlight one bit, all she could think about was her mother's betrayal. About Maya believing that therapy was the reason as why she didn't want to talk anymore and not…

And not that.

Riley had the blade in her hand and pulled up her shirt. She pressed the blade into the skin of the stomach, making medium sized nicks that let out a dribble of blood. She felt the edge being taken off with every slice, the point of the blade was resting close to her skin when a knock stopped her.

"GO AWAY MOM!" Riley shouted angrily.

"It's me!" Auggie's voice answered. Riley quickly wiped away the blood and hid her towel and blade under her bed.

"Auggie, what is it?" Riley asked.

"Do you want to watch cartoons with me?" Auggie asked shyly.

Riley bit her lip, "Don't you usually watch cartoons with Ava?" Riley asked, she prayed that the blood wouldn't seep through her shirt. She could feel some on her stomach.

"I wanted to watch them with you though. I miss you." Auggie confessed hugging Riley as he made the admission. It took all of Riley's energy not to flinch as the friction burned her skin.

"I miss you too." Riley said back. She didn't care to touch her homework after the fight she just had. Maybe cartoons would be a good idea. "I'll watch cartoons with you. Do you mind if I take a few minutes to use the bathroom?" Riley asked.

Auggie jumped up and down excitedly, "No! I'll get cookies and milk then!" he rushed out to the kitchen as Riley went to the bathroom and wiped away the blood, covering the cuts with bandages. She breathed out a sigh of relief when she realized none of the blood had seeped through her shirt during the hug.

When she walked into the living room she was grateful to not seeing her mother around. Auggie was on the couch with a glass of milk in hand and a pile of cookies on his lap. "I got chocolate chip and chocolate chocolate chip cookies!" Auggie declared excitedly. Riley noticed a second glass of milk and a plate full of cookies, she smiled back.

"Let's get comfy, shall we?" Riley asked in an exaggerated English accent.

"We shall." Auggie mimicked happily as he accepted Riley covering them both with a blanket. He settled the cookies back on his lap.

"What are we watching today, little brother?" Riley asked, taking a bite out of the chocolate chocolate cookie.

"Steven Universe." Auggie answered, he smiled up at his sister. "You'll love it. Do you mind if I watched the newest episode first?"

"Mind if I asked you questions during the episode?" Riley asked.

"Nope."

The cartoon was bubbly and colorful, Riley found herself immersed in the bright colors and flowy animations.

But the one thing that made her forget she was watching cartoons was a song from the show. Even after she and Auggie finished the newest episode and started watching from season 1 episode 1, even after they finished all the cookies and milk and even after they continue to watch more episodes in their make shift fort, with pillows and secret password, the lyrics stuck with her.

So much so that she had caught herself whisper singing them as she carried a half asleep Auggie to his room.

" _Take a moment remind yourself to take a moment and find yourself. Take a moment to ask yourself if this is how you fall apart_." Riley began to sing softly.

Auggie started to sing the next line, his eyes still closed, " _But it's not, but it's not, but it's not, but it's not. But it's not, its ok, its ok, its ok, its ok, its ok. You've got nothing, got nothing, got nothing, got nothing to fear. I'm here, I'm here, I'm here._ " He sang softly as Riley laid him down onto his bed. He opened his eyes. A pleading look on his face as he wouldn't let go of her hand.

Riley continue to sing with Auggie this time together. " _And it was just a thought, just a thought, just a thought, just a thought. It's ok, its ok, its ok, its ok, its ok. We can watch, we can watch, we can watch, we can watch them go by from here from here from here. Take a moment to think of just flexibility, love, and trust. Take a moment to think of just flexibility, love, and trust_."

Riley kissed Auggie's forehead. "I love you Riley." Said Auggie as she tucked him in.

"I love you too, Auggie."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Cory couldn't help but overhear and peak into his son's room to see the two have a sweet moment.

' _Love can't cure a mental illness_.' Cory remembered Shawn telling him this repeatedly when he went through his depression. Cory agreed, love couldn't cure a mental illness. But he believed having people around you who loved you unconditionally made having mental illness less lonely.


	5. Chapter 5

****Trigger warning for: description of suicide attempt/ideation, self harming, physical abuse, and trauma****

"Love can't cure a mental illness, Cor." Shawn advised his friend calmly and in a soft voice. He hated watching Cory turn into a shell of his former self. Since moving to New York a year ago Cory had no luck with finding a job and he couldn't find his foot with living in New York.

What was worse? It wasn't the best time to be in the city, while everyone was coming together there was still mourning occurring. Cory was lost in the thick of it. Seeing everything first hand happen, he remembered it all in a dusty blur. Finding Shawn, Eric, and Topanga once he was back home in their apartment. They hadn't witnessed it firsthand. It was just him who had been there while the others were a good distance away at work, it was just him. Just him helping survivors, him helping first responders, and him remembering…just everything.

It scarred him more than he would want to admit. It made him more scared of the city and it made him feel even weaker. Watching Topanga go to law school and succeed at everything he touched also killed him. He was so proud of her and loved her unconditionally, but it made him feel like the weak half. She was reaching for perfection. He was just reaching for satisfaction, if it was available. He would never tell her that he was turned down for journalist jobs, that he would actually at time never even get to the appointment before he found out the job was already taken by someone "much more experienced."

He had gain nearly thirty pounds, he refused to talk to his parents, he would fake getting ready so that by the time Topanga left for her internship he would be back in their bed.

"You need to talk to someone Cory." Eric told him. He and Shawn were standing at the foot of the bed, watching a grizzly looking Cory just staring off. "You can't continue to live like this man. Mom and dad are seriously getting worried about you."

"I'm fine." Cory told them. His voice raw, he felt his body wanting to give up. He wanted to give up.

"You're not fine, Cor. I don't think you've been 'fine' for a while now." Shawn countered, "We think you should talk to someone. A therapist." Shawn advised him.

"No."

"C'MON CORY!" Eric yelled, Shawn gapped at him. Eric had turned to a serious and caring older brother since they arrived in the city. Not just that, both men had become a little more sober and adult but they always kept an eye on Cory while Topanga continued to just either ignore the change or was just really gullible to Cory's fake demeanor.

"I'm fine. I'm just…tired."

He was still tired, barely alive. Till eight months later when Topanga told him she was three weeks late.

He never did get a chance to talk to a therapist.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"Mr. Minkus, glad you can see me again." Amira greeted the young boy.

He looked beyond jittery just standing by her door. "Are you going to come in?"

"She's cutting." Farkle replied. "She's cutting and she's getting worse, not better. Why aren't you doing your job?!" Farkle nearly shouted.

Amira rolled her eyes, "Shut the door, Mr. Minkus."

Farkle mumbled something under his breath before closing the door and sitting down on the sofa.

"What makes you think your friend is not getting better?"

"She blocked her best friend! She blocked most of us! She won't even talk to me! I know she's cutting! She's been wincing any time something or someone touches her leg!" he looked misty eyed. "I want to help! I just don't know how to! Why don't know how to?!" Farkle was nearly to the point of panicking.

"Mr. Minkus, take three deep breaths."

Farkle did as he was told.

"Now listen to me, you can't help. Not now at least."

"But-"

Amira raised he hand to halt him, "No, listen to me. You cannot help your friend. She's not ready to be helped by you and your friends at this point."

"But I need to do something! I can't just sit here and let her go on like this! I _need_ to do this, I _want_ to be there for her!" Farkle's eyes were watery. His vision was blurry but he refused to cry. He clutched his stomach, thinking of Riley actually cutting because of him, because of Maya, because of _Lucas_.

"We left her." Farkle mumbled.

Amira's eyes widened. "Pardon?"

Farkle sniffed, "We left her. We just left her after she was trying to keep up together. I've been friends with her since we were six and I just left her to be alone. I thought she was being too much, but she never has been too much. I just…" He wiped away a few tears. "I hate crying."

Amira shrugged as she passed a box of tissue to his direction. "This room has that affect."

"I hate crying, I hate not knowing what to do. I can do something! I'm smart! I should be able to figure this out."

Amira frowned at that. "Why would you be have to know what to do? Is this something you face a lot?"

"No." Farkle answered hesitantly.

"Then why would you feel like this is something you need to solve?"

"Because I need to! I know that I can! I can solve this, I know I can!" Farkle only sounded half determined. He had the energy and the want to help Riley, he just had no idea where to start.

"No, you don't need to."

"I-"

"No." Amira repeated again firmly. "Your friend is not a science project, she's a person like you who needs to talk it out with a person or people who don't have a stake in helping themselves."

Farkle frowned at that. "What does that mean?"

"It means, do you want to help your friend because you feel guilty or do you want to help her because you feel like you can fix her?"

"Of course I can fix her." Farkle answered incredulously. "That's what you do when you're smart. You can figure things out with research and testing. I can help."

Amira sighed, "And there lies the problem." Amira moved to sit next to him. "Your friend isn't a science experiment, she's not something you can trial study and retest. You're friend needs help and you need to understand that you can't fix someone who isn't broken. She's not a broken, cracked, or damaged. She's a person who needs to heal from something that _you_ and your friends can't quite see because you're a little too close to the picture to see the full picture."

"The bigger image?"

Amira nodded.

"I don't like feeling useless. I wasn't made for that." Farkle mumbled dis-heartedly.

"What were you made for?" Amira asked lightly.

"To be the best." Farkle replied hollowly.

Once Farkle made another promise to visit and was out of the office Amira approached Torri. "You saw it?"

There were faint bruises on his neck, just barely peeking out from under the collar of his jacket.

Torri sighed, "He's just hiding it, but the collar kept riding low. Someone clenched hard on that boy's neck."

Amira could only stare out the door Farkle had just walked out through. "Either one or both his parents are beating him."

"How are you so sure?" Torri asked astounded as Amira laid back against her desk. She could look at the other woman with worry as Amira folded her arms, a pointed look haunting her usually relaxed features.

"I was made to be the best." Amira repeated Farkle odd response. "He was made to be the best."

Torri raised a brow at that, letting out a low whistle. "That's a lot of pressure there."

"Must be for the parent as well, otherwise they wouldn't be using him a punching bag."

Torri's hand hovered over the office phone. "Just say the word and I'll have CPS at his house in a second."

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

It was nearly two hours after Farkle had left to Amira's office to go to school. Now Cory was at her door.

"Mr. Matthews?" Amira asked surprised. "Is everything with Riley okay?"

Cory rubbed his hands together, "Yeah. Yeah, they're getting better. I think something happened between Riley and Topanga yesterday but Riley seemed to not be upset by it."

"Alright…" Amira studied him for while, she knew Mr. Matthews was some years older than her but he looked so young and lost standing at the front of her door.

"Mr. Matthews, is there something you wanted to discuss with me?" Amira asked sitting back slowly down at her desk chair.

"You can call me Cory. And yeah, if you don't mind? I sort of need to talk."

Amira nodded, "I have forty minutes till my first client comes in." She gestured to the couch as she made her way to her normal sofa. "What's going on?"

Cory sighed, his hands were rested on his knees. He could feel himself rocking gently back and forth slowly as he tried to sum up what was in his mind.

"Do you think Riley having depression is my fault?" Cory asked in one go.

Amira blinked, "That's a loaded questions." She frowned, "Cory, why are you asking?"

"I'm not originally from New York." He explained slowly, "I don't know if Riley ever told you that."

Amira nodded, leaning back in her chair to get comfortable, "She's mentioned it. You and your wife are originally from Philadelphia, correct?"

Cory nodded, "Yeah. We moved here around sixteen years ago since Topanga got offered a really good job here and then she got accepted into a law school. It was great actually, I had my brother and my best friend with us as well." He paused, he never did talk about his part in all this. He never really explained it, just hid it. Shawn had seen glimpses, never the whole thing and Eric…Eric had literally saved him before Riley figuratively saved him. "I- I didn't take the move well. I was being turned down left and right for jobs. I studied film and journalism." Cory added in a muted matter of fact tone.

Amira took a deep breath, realizing where this was going. "Far cry from teaching history."

Cory chuckled at that, "I know. I never thought about teaching. It was something I never thought I would have the patience for." He laughed again, but his heart was in it. He bit his knuckle before continuing. "I couldn't get out of bed, I would fake this happy go lucky personality for Topanga whenever she was around, whenever she told me about her internship, her job, and classes, but as soon as she was gone I was in this dark part in my head. I just didn't want to exist, I wasn't existing."

Before Amira could ask what that could mean Cory stood up and started to pace the room. "Do you remember where you were when it happened?"

" _It_?"

Cory's eyes begged her to remember it.

She understood it immediately.

Something shattered between them. It was no longer Mr. Matthews, high school history teacher and father to two and Ms. Habib, licensed and certified therapist.

It was Cory and Amira. Two people who were not that far apart in age and could remember a day that they both had witnessed.

"Where were you?" Cory asked again.

Amira's eyes became unfocused, she gulped. "I was thirteen. I was in school, my dad worked in building one but he had to leave to go to a business meeting in Albany. My mother was working the day shift as nurse when they started bringing people in."

"Did you see it?" Cory asked numbed.

Amira nodded.

"I was there, I saw it all happened." Cory explained. "My brain was already this haze black hole and then I was thrusted into this mode that I didn't really get. I was just pulling people into this shop, calming down these strangers, strangers that I was hugging and telling them that they would be safe. I remember giving my jacket to this man who had this huge gash on his shoulder. I remember the dust and smoke. I just remember it all." He continued. "I remembered the hate that followed, the unity that followed, and I just even felt more loss." He sniffed, "I was already this depressed and lost kid and just witnessed one of the most horrific things to happen and I felt even sadder about my life, that I didn't have a purpose that I wasn't worth anything and I just kept thinking all those people had family and loved ones and lives worth living. I didn't, so why did I live? Why was I living?!" Cory stopped pacing to shout out his last question.

He slowly moved his way back to the couch, "It was maybe two months after, Topanga and Shawn, my best friend, where at work. I was alone at home just watching the news continuously, watching the people cry, fight, and scream. I just kept remembering telling myself, why was I here? Why did I survive? What did I do to survive? Why was I even existing when my wife was thriving and I was just this lifeless and useless thing holding her back and making my friends and family's lives miserable?" Cory rubbed his face. "I got these pain pills from my neighbor and took a few other pills that morning, drank a glass of scotch and I took more pills and another glass of scotch…" Amira said nothing as they both became teary eyed. "I came to with my older brother holding me under the shower, slapping my face. He gave me something when I opened my eyes and I threw up all the pills and alcohol. I remember us just sitting there under the shower soaked to the bone and shivering. We were both crying and shaking."

He smacked his lips together. "Eric and I never told anyone about that morning, I made him promise not to, but after that he was always there. I refused to talk to anyone so he would always be there to check in on me and talk to me and take me out, just so that I felt like half a person."

Amira bit the inside of her cheek. "It seemed to have helped." She said after a while.

"It did, but it didn't heal me. Riley did." Cory smiled genuinely, he let out a soft laugh. "I was so excited to be a dad. Topanga, she was worried about how having a baby would interfere with her studying and working so I promised that I would be there every minute of the day to watch and care for Riley while she went to school and work. I bumped into my old junior high teacher and he offered me a job substituting as a second grade teacher. I was really good at it. So I enrolled in school to get my degree in education and in history. After Riley was born I actually enrolled in graduate school to study history. I had Riley with me every day, I think she was the only five year old to know all of the Chinese dynasties." Cory recalled fondly. "All those thoughts and feelings I had, they all disappeared once Riley was born. She was my reason to live, she was and will forever be my anchor."

Amira pressed her lips together and got up to sit next to Cory. "Thank you for sharing Cory. I'm honored that you would trust me to tell me."

Cory smiled, "You seemed to have clicked so well with Riley, she and I are pretty much the same, thought I would be lucky to click with you as well." He confessed.

"Cory?"

"Hmm?"

Amira looked at him, seeing Riley in every inch of his face. "You're not responsible for Riley's depression. Yes, depression is hereditary but there are other factors that are involved. No one person can say if Riley inherited depression or if it was just a manifestation of her own chemicals or environment. But you cannot blame yourself."

"I just feel like this is my fault."

"Cory, it's not." Amira stated firmly. "I can't tell you what she and I discuss but let me tell you that you are not a person who she could say she would blame. You cannot hold yourself responsible for something you have no control of. All you can do for Riley is support her and love her unconditionally, and I think you're doing the best at that right now." Amira complimented him.

Cory shook his head slowly, biting his lower lip as he rested back on the sofa. "It doesn't feel like it."

"You really want to help her?"

He turned to face her, an obvious look of confusion in his eyes. " _Yes_."

Amira nodded, "Then tell what you told me." She told him reasonably.

Cory paused, thinking the many scenes that could occur if he told Riley everything. "I don't think I have the guts to do that."

"Then find the guts Cory." She turned her body to face him better, "Hearing your side and how you made it won't help Riley, it may not do anything for her, but it may do something for the two of you. She may find it better to realize she has someone who's been through hell and back."

"I don't know." He looked pensive.

Amira shrugged, "That's just my advice to you Cory. You don't have to take it."

Cory smirked, "I thought therapist don't give advice?"  
Amira actually laughed out loud this time, she clapped her hands together and stood up. "Well luckily for you, I'm not your therapist."

"Just a friend?"

Amira paused, she pushed back her hair. "Just a friend." Amira confirmed.

Cory and Amira looked at each other, an unknown agreement passing between them.

Before Cory could leave, Amira couldn't help but ask. "You know Farkle Minkus, right?"

Cory nodded, "Yeah, he and Riley are best friends. I know his dad even."

Amira pressed her lips together, concern written all over her features. Cory took a step closer to her. "Why?" he asked suspiciously.

"I think he's being abused at home." Amira confessed, waiting for Cory's reaction.

Cory looked at his watch and then at the door. "Is your next client here yet?"

Amira shook her head 'no', "Torri would page me if they were."

Cory nodded as he rested his back against the door. "Tell me what's going on with Farkle."

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Riley was proud of herself, she had managed to eat and keep down her breakfast and had turned in two late assignments and another assignment on time. While she did still bring a razor, she hadn't felt that itchy feeling all morning. She actually found herself humming again and actually twirled around in the hallway after her first class.

She was actually happy. Genuinely happy.

"Riley?"

Welp, she was.

Maya was now fully blocking her from going into the rest room. "We need to talk." Maya told her.

Riley stood still, fear creeping down her spine. "No we don't."

"Yes, we do." Maya retorted bitingly. Her blue eyes looked hollow and glossy, a strong contrast to her skin which was blotchy and red.

' _She's been crying_.' Riley realized. That itchy feeling began to form under her skin again. Her skin felt like it was burning once Maya wrapped her fingers around her wrist. Riley pulled away quickly. "I don't want to talk."

"We need to talk Riley. Why didn't you tell me what you were going through? Did you think I wouldn't understand?"

"You wouldn't understand!" Riley whispered harshly.

Maya's widened in confusion, "Then let me understand! Let me know! You should have told me instead of just keeping me at length!" Maya's voice was getting higher.

Riley's skin began to prickle as she began to realize people were looking at them in the hallway. "Let it go Maya." She turned around to walk but Maya pulled her back.

"No!" Maya was crying now, "I'm not just going to let _this_ go. I'm not letting you go!" Maya begged, her hands almost enclosed Riley's again before Riley pulled them away again, taking another step back.

"Maya, I can't do this, not now and not with you." Riley told her.

"Why not?!" May yelled angrily, "Riley, do you know how much you've scared me these past weeks?! Did you know how much it killed me to find out what has been going on with you from my mother?" Maya grabbed a hold of her hair, pushing it back. "How did you think I wouldn't support you or love you? Riley, we've been best friends since we were six years old."

"BECAUSE I DON'T NEED YOU!" Riley screamed.

Maya became pale. "What?" she said in faint tone.

"Maya, I will always love you but I can't be around you. I can't be your friend when I'm like this." Riley hated this, she hated that they were here in the middle of their school's highway crying with a group of peers just steadily watching them. Each with a sorrowful look.

She swore she saw Smackle behind Maya's shoulder for moment.

"What do you mean? Are you saying we can't be friends anymore?"

Riley nodded, "Yes. I can't be your friend. I don't need to drag you down with me. I'm not your Riley. I haven't been that Riley-"

"You're still that Riley-"

"No! I'm not!" Riley yelled, "I haven't been her for a long time. I can't fake being happy, I can't fake being positive when all I've felt for months now is giving up."

Maya was fidgeting, her skin was red all over now and her blue eyes were bleary with tears. "i-I, Riley I can't lose you too. You're my best friend! My sister. We're just alike, remember?" She was beginning to become desperate, wanting to hold onto any part of that "Riley" that was still left.

Riley shook her head 'no', "We're not alike and we're not sisters, Maya. You're doing so well now, you're thriving…I'm just staying stagnant."

"No you're not!" Maya grabbed her hands' again, this time Riley didn't pull away, she stood still as they both cried. "Riley, I'm doing well because of you, you pushed me to become more like you, remember?"

"No," Riley sniffed, "You're just becoming a better version of Maya. I'm just not Riley anymore." She took a deep breath, "Maya, I love you too much to drag you down, I don't want you. We can't be friends anymore, okay."

Maya shook her head viciously, "No! Not okay!"

Riley became resolute, "Maya, you have to let me go, okay? I can't be your friend anymore. So don't call me, text me, or talk to me like this again. I don't ever want to see you"

"Riley…" Maya's voice was just a hoarse whisper, before the girl could continue Riley saw someone's hand on Maya's shoulder.

It was Zay.

"C'mon." he turned Maya away to walk in the opposite direction. "You need to go." Zay whispered to Maya, he led her into the arms of Smackle, who gently walked the blond girl down the hall way.

The crowd began to dissipate as Riley and Zay were left standing in the hall watching each other.

Riley expected Zay to talk to her, to yell at her for saying that stuff to Maya, for distancing herself from the gang. But Zay did none of that, instead he walked over to her and pulled her into a hug. Riley stood there for a second before Zay whispered to her "You're doing okay, Riley."

She broke down, crying into his shoulder as he squeezed her tighter. "You're safe." He continued to whisper. After her cries turned to soft whimpers Zay pulled apart from her, his hands still on her shoulders. "Where are your razors?" He asked her.

Riley frowned, "How did you-?"

Zay shrugged, "Didn't know till now." He sighed, he gave out his hand to her.

"You're smarter than you let on to be Zay." She told him as she pulled out her razors from her back bag and passed them to him.

"Have to keep somethings about myself hidden." He joked as he stuffed the blades into his bag, he looked at her seriously this time. "You know I love you, right?"

Riley nodded, "I love you too." She confessed honestly.

"Do you want to leave then? Maybe take a walk?" Zay suggested to her, he could see how shaky she was from Maya's confrontation with her.

Riley nodded again.

"Do you want me to come with you?"

Riley shook her head 'no.'

Zay stood still for a moment, unsure of what to do. He pulled her into another hug and kissed her check. "I'll see you later then, okay?"

Riley nodded as she slowly turned around and walked towards the exit of the school building, not realizing that Zay was watching her to make sure she wouldn't go into any room to cut.

He started to walk to his next class, dumping the blades into the nearest bin.

He was hoping to see her again at Queens.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

She was still in shock and had no idea how long she had been walking for when she felt someone grab her arm.

She let out a high pitch scream as she decked the person who had grabbed her.

"HEY!" Lucas shouted at her as he held his side of his face. A red patch growing where Riley had just punched him.

"HEY what!? You scared me!" Riley shouted, "Why did you think you could sneak up on me?"

Lucas went bug eyed, "I didn't sneak up on you, I've been yelling after you for a good five minutes now, it's like you couldn't even hear or see anything!" Lucas shouted back. He took a deep breath, watching her cool down and then take a step back away from him. Her arms wrapping around herself.

He had broken her out of her spell, she realized. Riley took in her surroundings. She knew where she was and where her mind had been leading her to. "What did you want?" Riley asked coolly. She felt nothing, absolutely nothing for him now. No butterflies, no chills, and no thoughts of him haunting the back of her mind. She didn't ever care to register the shock of his reaction to her question to him.

"What do I want? How about an explanation as to why you're ignoring Maya and me? And the rest of your friends?" Lucas asked sarcastically. "You just left us all behind." He told her, disappointment etched in his features.

Riley's brow raised, "Like how you all left me?" Riley snapped.

Lucas frowned. "What?"

"You. Left. Me." Riley said each word bitingly, she sniffed. "I figured I was becoming _too much_ for you and the others, maybe I don't like you guys anymore. Maybe I don't want to be friends with people who don't see me."

Lucas rubbed his face, exhausted and guilty looking. "Riley, I-I get it. I messed up. I shouldn't have said that to you, I was just mad."

"And I was your friend."

Lucas carded his fingers through his hair, "I can get why you're doing this to me, but why to Maya? She had your back and now all she does is cry because she misses you so much."

"Well I'm guess I'm not being a real friend, right? Real friends don't do this. But I guess it's okay, right? Since I'm just being Riley?" Riley could feel the tears sting her eyes again. Her voice was cold as the air breezing past them.

Lucas stood rock still, realizing where the words were coming from. "Oh." He said quietly.

"You love her, don't you?" Riley asked him. "You care so much about her that you were willing to put down the girl you said you picked." Riley pressed her lips together, "You know what you said hurt me, but you never apologized and you never cared to check to see how I was doing. You didn't see me, you just saw Maya and what she was feeling and thinking, but you couldn't see the girl that you said you love break into pieces in front of you."

Lucas looked down as Riley continued. Crying through it all.

"I don't know why you said you picked me Lucas, but I don't think you did, pick me that is. I think you chose the girl you thought was right for you. But you love her, not me."

Now Lucas looked like he was starting to cry. His eyes were shiny. "I-I don't know."

Riley smile was sad, her eyes watery as tears continued to cascade down her cheeks. "But I know," she took a deep breath. "So I'll do you a favor then." She stepped back away from him. "I don't love you Lucas. Not like that at least. We're not the couple that makes it, we're just the sort of couple that realizes that they avoided a tragic mistake of wasting each other's time."

"You're not a waste of my time Riley." Lucas piped up defensively.

Riley ignored him, her face and voice becoming stoic. "Go and be with Maya. Love her like I know you do, okay? And just don't talk to me, I know you don't see me. So let's just move on till I know I can handle seeing you, okay?"

"Riley…"

"Lucas, this isn't about you or her, or the both of you as a couple. This is about me. I need to stay away from everyone. None of you see me when I need you to, you just see me when you need to. I can't do it anymore." She told him. She rubbed away the tears, "Bye Lucas." She turned away, feeling his eyes bore into her. She knew he wouldn't call out to her or follow, he had gotten what he wanted.

Freedom from her.

(Her blessing, really.)

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ten more minutes of walking led her directly to where she knew her mind was taking her before Lucas had stopped her.

She stood right outside of Queens Dance Academy.

She had two hours before her dance therapy class started but the doors where open and the room for contemporary was empty and open.

Riley sat in the middle of the room, falling back to lay down on the hard wood floor after a moment. She closed her eyes, trying to control her breathing as the itchiness began to start. She could see nothing around the room that was sharp enough to cut. She kept breathing, thinking about stars and planets.

A while later her body began to feel numb. Riley slowly got up. People were starting to walk past the room, but no one had noticed her alone and crying.

Typical.

She almost left the room till she saw the i-pod hooked to the sounds system. Riley smiled, it was hot pink with red and pink flower stickers on it. She pressed the middle button bringing the device to life and starting a strong that had a heavy bass and guitar. She was desperate to lower the volume or turn off the music but the lyrics got to her. The song seemed too fast to be used as song for contemporary dance but she liked it.

' _I'm super girl and I'm here to save the world. And I wanna know_ _who's gonna save me? I'm super girl and I'm here to save the world and I wanna know why I feel so alone_?'

She found herself dancing to the song, following the beat with swift and graceful moves. She was feeling better as she danced and listened to the lyrics. It was a good way to burn her emotions and energy. It felt amazing to take ahold and control of _something_.

She was so lost in her thoughts, movements and the song that she didn't realize that she had company till the song stopped and the person applauded.

"You were wonderful." Harley smiled as she continued to clap.

Riley could feel the batch of butterflies release into her stomach. She was happy that she could use the excuse of dancing in order to explain the blush that she was sure was now covering her cheeks.

"Thank you?" Riley said shyly, unsure of what to say or do next. Harley walked over to the i-pod, "Is that yours?" Riley asked.

Harley nodded, "Forgot it here last night." She smiled dazzlingly at Riley. "I'm glad you liked that song. Not a lot of people like it for whatever reason."

"Oh." Riley's butterflies were now at her throat, it was the only thing she could come up with at this point. Her mind was a blank.

"Are you here for another class or something?" Harley asked hopefully. "We could practice a dance together if you're up for it?"

Riley finally found her voice, her hands rested on her stomach to help stop the fluttering. "Sure." She smiled. She nearly jumped out of her skin when Harley held her hand to pull her to the middle of the room as another song started.

"Yay!" Harley squealed. "Hope you like this song."

Riley knew the song that was playing, "I love it." She told Harley honestly. They both smiled at each other as Harley and Riley began to dance, sharing and going over different steps and routines.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"How would I know if I'm bi-sexual?"

Amira had a know it all smile plastered to her face. "Who's the girl?"

Riley could feel the blush creep onto her face. "Her name is Harley Wilson."

"Is she the first girl you ever liked romantically?"

Riley shook her head 'yes.'


	6. Chapter 6

Riley skimmed over the books on Amira's shelf. The tittles sounded dark and serious, books about trauma, trafficking, racism, and feminism. Every time Riley was by the shelf, her fingers would stop skimming over the spine of books until she got to the same one every time. A Prussian blue book with a with different age girls looking at distance, their backs turned against the photographer. Riley hurried back to the couch to slip the book into her book bag.

Amira walked in two minutes later, her dark gray hair pulled high into a messy bun. She looked a little wary.

"Are you okay?" Riley asked. It was a little unusual to see her therapist looking out of sorts.

Amira smiled, "Yeah. I just need some coffee." Riley didn't believe her but nodded in support. "Would you like some tea or hot chocolate?" Amira asked.

Riley smiled, "Tea's fine."

Once they were settled with their drinks, the session began. "How has your week been going?"

Riley's shoulders slumped, it had been two days since she was confronted by Maya and Lucas. Both at kept their promise to not speak to her. Riley could almost feel the cup in her hand burn her through as she recalled over hearing two girls in the bathroom talking about how the pretty blond girl and blond boy finally kissed.

"He finally dumped that weirdo." She remembered hearing, the sounds of the girls laughing reverberated in her head.

"Riley?"

"I took two steps forward, three really…but then took some more back." Riley sighed, "I finally told my friends…my ex, I guess? I told him and my best friend that I needed some space, that I couldn't be their Riley right now."

"How did you take that?"

Riley shrugged, "It was fine for a moment. I was fine. I went to dance class, I made new friends. Friends who actually like me for who I am." She thought back to her new friends at Queens. It was new and exciting, but familiar due to Zay still being present in her new circle of friends. She was thankful for him and his patience. She almost smiled as she recalled the smell of marshmallows and mangos...

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

 _Two days ago…_

Harley was beautiful, a welcoming face and personality that had Riley by the heart. She was sweet and brave with the personality that made Riley feel both envious and proud. She loved Harley's unapologetic confidence in how she danced and how she spoke.

"I see you." Nia whispered to her in a voice that sounded jovial. Riley could feel the blush on her cheeks begin to spread to her face, Nia had caught her staring at Harley as the others were talking and practicing dance moves before Ramik came in.

Nia looked between Riley and Harley, who was still dancing, oblivious to Riley's studying of her. Riley could sense that Nia wasn't being a threat or a bully, she looked considerate for a moment before she spoke to Riley. "I know you like her."

Riley thought to save face for a moment. "Yeah, she's really nice. She's a sweet fr-"

Nia held a hand up to her face to pause her, "Don't give me that. I know you like her in a romantic sense."

Riley froze, she wasn't sure how others would react. She could almost feel her body go into flight mode. But Nia just looked back at Harley. "I think she likes you too." Nia stated in a matter of fact tone. "I've caught her a few times peering into Kaycee's class. She's as obvious as you are." Nia pulled her closer, Riley could smell Nia's fruity perfume and could see the glitter highlighter on the other girl's cheeks and temple. "Don't freak out so much, no one cares if you're not straight."

Riley's body relaxed at that and smiled gratefully at Nia. "Promise?"

Nia rolled her eyes, "Tell you what, if anyone does. Call me and I'll beat them up for you. Deal?"

Before she could agree, Nomi, Riley's favorite pink haired girl, jumped onto Nia's back. "Yasssss! Who's butt are we planning to kick?" She yelled as Nia struggled to hold still.

"Yours if you don't get off!" Nia shouted back, Riley couldn't help but laugh at Nomi who was taking the threat in stride. She faux adjusted her pink hair which were tied into puff balls and smiled dazzlingly at a still laughing Riley and an annoyed Nia.  
"Dashi, can you pleeaaasssee keep your sister in check?" Nia asked, Dashi was the only male in the class. He was just like his sister in the way they looked, both nearly stick thin with high cheekbones and big hair. Unlike Nomi, Dashi's color was natural and was left to wave back and forth as he practiced his dancing.

"I'm not responsible for that!" Dashi reasoned as Nomi looked unabashed about her antics.

Nomi smiled at Riley, "He's right!" she then pointed a finger directly in Nia's face. "I'm uncontainable." She announced looked quite preened.

Riley was enjoying the scene played out till she felt someone starring, she looked up to see Harley starring back at her. Harley, surprised by Riley catching her, quickly turned away.

Riley felt something flick her head. "Hey!"

"Told you." Nia smirked knowingly, along with Nomi.

Dance class had gone well, as usual. Riley was in love with the class. Between contemporary dance and dance therapy, she felt as if she were in her zone and in her world.

"Nice moves there." A familiar voice called out.

Riley was packing up when she felt a presence behind her. "Zay?"

Her friend smiled back and pulled her into a hug. "What are you doing here?"

Zay looked insulted, "Guy can't get his ballet on?"

Riley giggled, "Your dance class is here?"

Zay nodded, "I'm in Ororo's class, it's an intermediate ballet class." Riley took a look at Zay's dance clothes. He had a bright puple crop top and dark blue harem pants. It was a far cry and a pleasant surprise from his staple plaid button downs and jeans.

"You finish your class?" Zay asked.

Riley nodded excitedly, "It was amazing. I love this place!" Riley exclaimed, not realizing she was holding Zay's hands in hers'.

"Do you got anywhere you need to be?" Zay asked cautiously. He had a hopeful smile as Riley mulled over her answer, she was worried about what Zay had plans. She wasn't sure if he was trying to get everyone together again.

She could feel her stomach churning at the thought of the gang back at her mother's café. "I have to study." She lied, expecting for Zay to look disappointed and not…elated?

"Great! We can study at my place."

"Your place?" To be honest, Riley never thought of Zay's home. It never occurred to her that he had a home. It sounded ridiculous since Zay did talk about his family a lot. But it just never occurred to her.

"Yeah, what you think I just live in the school?" Zay asked in a snarky tone as he pulled Riley into a half hug. "And you can bring your new friends." Before Riley could ask if he was actually okay with that, Zay called out to Dashi. The guys shook hands before pulling each other into a half hug.

"Hey Z! What's up?" Dashi smiled, "We hanging out?"

Zay grinned, "Yep, you know Riley, right?"

Dashi laughed, "Course I do." He nodded at Riley, "You coming over?"

Riley felt like a deer in the headlights, she was only half sure she nodded 'yes'. She must have because she was now walking out of Queen's Academy with Zay, Dashi, Nomi, Nia, and Harley. She couldn't help but feel as though this was planned before she could even say yes with the hopes she and Harley could be forced to talk to each more. She was forced to walk besides Harley and every question and discussion that they would be having separately would then be conjoined in order for the two to talk.

Riley wasn't upset at it though, if anything she would say that the plan was working. She and Harley were so deep in a conversation about retro boots that she didn't realize that she was already at Zay's home.

It was a beautifully modern designed three story brownstone. Riley stepped in to find the foyer painted a cool seafoam green color. The wood floor dark as Zay requested Riley to take off her shoes at the door.

Riley began to feel guilty. She never thought of Zay as friend really. Never like a true friend in the way she had thought of Maya and Farkle, or even Lucas at times. Zay was just there, Lucas's friend really but never connected with her despite feeling that he was trying.

She looked in awe at the family photos that were displayed in the hallway as the group made their way into the kitchen. A tall skinny man with mini twists smiled at them, Riley saw him in many of the pictures. He pulled Zay and Dashi into a hug, another boy ran out into the kitchen. Both the older man and the younger boy bore strong resemblance to Zay.

"Ay, what up little Z? You guys hungry?" the man asked them all. Zay introduced Riley to the man, "This is my uncle, Westin." He pointed to the younger boy, "And my little brother Sameer." Sameer grinned at the gang, he looked to be a little older looking than Auggie. And just like his brother, Sameer had on a plaid button down and jeans.

"You and your brother seem to have the same sense of style." Riley pointed out, earning a laugh from Dashi and Westin.

"You try living in Texas, you can't escape the cowboy look if you tried." Zay pouted.

The group made their way up to Zay's room with s'mores and shakes. Riley felt as if she was entering a whole new world and a new side of Zay. His room was colorful and filled with art work, the biggest being a poster that was mostly black and white of two boys that Riley recognized. Both boys had hoodies that were red and green, a sharp contrast to the black and white poster, with the words rest in power under their picture. Riley could recognized other pictures of comic book characters including the Blank Panther, Miles Morales as Spiderman, Kamala Khan as Ms. Marvel.

Riley gasped as she ran to the picture of her favorite singer. "Is this you with-?"

Zay sighed, "Forgot that was out. Yeah."

Riley's eyes became wide, "How? What? Why?" she peered again at the picture, "Is she hugging you?!"

Nia and Harley laughed, "I can't wait till she sees the picture of you with Smith family." Noni grinned.  
"Smith family?" Riley asked excitedly, "As in, the Smith family, like W-"

Zay walked over to Riley and shook her a bit, "Yes, _that_ Smith family." He set down the picture back on dresser drawer. "My dad's an audio engineer. Gets contracted to different labels. We moved to New York after one label offered to pay triple of what he was making through contracts."

Riley slapped him on the arm repeatedly, "AND YOU NEVER TOLD US? How did Lucas not brag about this?"

Now Dashi was laughing his butt off, earning a small smile from Zay. "My dad mostly works for rap and hip hop artists. Lucas isn't into either, so he never cared about me meeting anyone famous or who my dad is. It was nice, not having people being nice to you simply because your dad and mom have connections." Zay took out his school bag and pulled a few assignment out, "Gotta admit, didn't stop some jerks from harassing me thinking that I needed to be taken down a few pegs." He admitted darkly.

Riley frowned, "I'm sorry." She looked at another picture of Zay and his family altogether in a place that had to be a European city based on the buildings behind them. "What does your mom do?"

"She's a copyright attorney, so you can imagine how many people suck up to her." Zay stated proudly. Riley studied the photo, his mom was petite with dark red short braids that framed her face. Zay, Sameer, and Westin bore a strong resemblance to Zay's mom. Zay's father had a wide and toothy smile, his eyes hidden behind dark frames in the majority of pictures in the house. "You and your brother look like your mom." Riley complimented. "You have a really sweet family."

"Sweet as honey most of the time." Zay smiled bashfully.

The group began to study, with music playing in the background when Zay's mother popped into the room. She was dressed in a sharp and tailored red and black suit that struck beautifully against her skin. Her braids pushed back behind her ears as she walked over to hug Zay. "Hey baby. You and your friends doing well?" Her eyes settled on Riley before breaking out into smile. "Ah, you must be Riley."

Riley was speechless as Zay's mother pulled her into a hug, "Don't seem so shell shocked sweetie. My Zeze talks about you so much. I'm Yola by the way." Yola's tone was motherly as was her hug, Riley never noticed how touch starve she was becoming until she noticed she was hugging and clinging to Yola for too long. Yola though didn't seem to mind as she had her arm around Riley's waist. "Zeze, you brought enough food for you and your friends to eat?" She looked at Riley, "I'm sure Riley and the others would appreciate some more drinks, something warm like hot chocolate? You guys all warm and cozy here, right?"

"Yes Mrs. Babineaux." The group answered in unison, with Zay looking slightly embarrassed at his fussy mom.

"None of that Mrs and ma'am stuff, I told you guy it's Yola. Don't need all that stuffiness at home." She shivered. "You all staying for dinner?"

Riley became excited, "I don't mind staying for dinner!" she volunteered excitedly. Yola looked her lovingly as she hugged her tighter.

"I know Dashi is staying if I'm cooking. What about you girls?"

"Yes, please!" All three girls smiled.

Zay laughed into his hands, "Pop won't mind?"

Yola pulled away from Riley, much to her chagrin and wrapped her arm over her son's shoulder. "Course not. You know he loves it when we have you friends over. It's nice having a full house." She kissed her son on the cheek. Before she could leave Dashi ran up to her with his arms out, "Hug please!" Dashi smiled, an almost cartoonish look gave him a laugh from Yola who hugged and kissed the other boy as well. "You're ridiculous." Yola cooed at him before leaving to change her clothes.

Riley loved being here, it felt more like a home than her own home. An hour later the whole group was eating with Zay's uncle, dad (Mitchell, who still had on dark frames in the house. He was funny and sarcastic), mom, and little brother. They were all enjoying dinner and watching a movie in the entertainment room. Riley felt lighter and whole with everyone, she could feel Harley at her side, laughing along with the others at the movie and Nia on her other side.

She was having a good time, a great time really. But it wasn't a forever moment.

She knew that this moment was a "high time", she was going to crash and hit a storm that would throw her into a moment where she couldn't escape sooner or later.

Knowing her luck, it was going to be sooner than soon.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"And then…" Riley could feel the ice in her stomach spreading to every tip in her body. Making the cup feel like acidic cut in her hands. She gently set the cup of tea on the table and lifted her shirt, showing the brand new cuts on her stomach and sides. They were long, jagged, and still buzzing red.

"You don't look surprised." Riley commented as Amira set down her cup of coffee and wordlessly walked to her desk.

"I'm not, I suspected that you were cutting a while ago."

Riley frowned, that was impossible. She always made sure her scars couldn't bleed through. She always made sure not to touch her scars in order not to flinch "How?"

Amira frowned at her direction, pulling out a first aid kit from her desk. "I've been in this field for a long time now Riley, you're not my first client to cut and you will not be my last unfortunately. I can tell by how people walk, how they sit, and how they present themselves. Some are too careful about not touching certain body parts because that's where they cut and some just can't help but flinch-even when they anticipate it." She explained as she passed Riley anti-septic cream, alcohol sheets, and bandages.

"Itchy feeling or blank feeling?" Amira asked as Riley began to swab the cuts with cream.

"What?"

"The urge to cut, did you feel itchy or blank?" Amira clarified.

Riley almost smiled, she was impressed. "Itchy." She looked down at the scars, they looked a little less angry looking. "I guess that common?"

Amira shrugged, "Everyone has their own words to describe the urge they feel when they need to cut. Most commonly though I've heard people say they felt itchy or blank when they want to cut."

"Are you upset?"

Amira again made a face, "Why would you think I would be upset?"

"Because I'm cutting? Isn't this supposed to be a bad thing? Aren't you suppose to tell me that I shouldn't cut?" Riley asked confused, she put away the products and fixed her dressing. She thought of the healing scars on her thighs and noticed that in the light the old scars on her stomach shined a bit. It was jarring sight. All those scars were linked to a memory that she rather forget but ultimately pictured right onto her body. The pain was gone- hallowed out with the tension and blood, but the remains would always remain. Growing fainter with time, of course, but still there. Still noticeable if she focused.

"You've been watching ways too many "on a very special episode"." Amira smirked as drank her coffee. She pushed the kit aside as soon as Riley was done with it. "I know why people cut. It's not a shameful thing and I know it becomes sensationalized and almost demonized in the media. Some think it's a sign of weakness and others think it's the person stating that they want to kill themselves." Amira pointed to the scars, "It's just a coping tool, an unhealthy one for sure, but a coping tool none the less unfortunately."

"How do I stop?" Riley asked seriously. The cutting was addictive and helpful at the same time. The itchy feeling was something she hated, it stung her skin till she dug a blade into her skin and let out all the stress and anger.

It was tiresome, painful, and blissful at the same time…but it was getting old. And now people were starting to notice. Zay had tried hunting her down at school after rumors were spreading about Lucas and Maya kissing. Smackle looked cautious around her now and Farkle…Farkle looked distraught when she walked away from him.

She could still feel his fingers around hers when he tried to talk to her before she had left school.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

 _Earlier today…_

"Are you okay?" He had asked her. His usually blue eyes were damp and nearly blood shot.

"Are you okay?" Riley echoed, her annoyance at the question thinning once she realized Farkle's distressed state. Farkle stayed quiet, just studying him. "Farkle?" she asked again, her hands settling on her shoulders.

"I miss you." Farkle stated simply, his voice just a whimper.

Riley's eyes immediately began to sting with water. "I-Farkle? Are you okay?" Something was wrong. She could feel it.

The boy stepped closer to her and smiled, a big fake charming smile. "Yeah. I just wanted to see if you were okay."

"I am." Riley confirmed. Her hands moved down to hold his, "I miss you too." She meant it. Farkle nodded as a few tears cascaded down his cheeks, he quickly wiped them away with his arm before Riley could wipe them off herself.

Before she could get an answer about him, Farkle kissed her and walked away fast. A light but lingering kiss on her forehead.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"Riley?" Amira asked, snapping the young girl out of her thoughts.

"How do I stop?" Riley asked again.

"You learn how to cope differently and you learn how to think differently." Amira explained.

"If you knew I was doing this, then why didn't you let me know you knew? Why didn't you tell me about this before?" Riley asked, sort of annoyed at Amira's indifference to all this. She had no reaction, she was supposed to be the adult here. The professional therapist, and not one hint that she "knew" Riley was cutting?

"Would you have told me the truth if I had asked?"

Riley frowned at that, "Maybe." She stated defensively. Her tone petulant as her body language- she was sitting up straight, her arms crossed in annoyance.

Amira chuckled, "I don't bank on 'maybe'. If that was the case I would risk pushing you away if I brought out the coping/behavioral modification tools too early for you." Amira explained calmly. "I can't bring up subjects and interventions for clients when _I_ want to and I can't talk to them at a level where I _think_ they should be. I have to meet them on their level and go at their pace. Be it that it may take ages for them to get to the root of their issues, but I'm a stranger and they have spent an entirety of their life building walls and taking down walls with people and situations."

Riley could feel her face burn. Amira cared for her, she never pushed her to talk about things, she may at times taken down walls that were crumbling but she never forced Riley to open up when she wasn't ready like her mom would do.

"You care for me, don't you?"

"Yes." Amira stated frankly.

Riley's body became lax, she brushed back her hair as she thought of the feeling of cutting. "Dancing helps me forget but it's not easy to break out dancing in the middle of an argument or in the middle of a parking lot talking to my classmates." Riley explained.

"So let's focus on things you can do when you feel overwhelmed and anxious."

It had taken a while to figure out what made Riley feel anxious and what had made her feel sick. A list of triggers that made her want to cut were written down. It felt weird to look at them, these things seemed harmless when written down and she almost felt embarrassed when she thought that Amira would laugh at her.

"You know sooner or later, it's going to be talked about." Amira informed her, sounding slightly ominous.

"What?"

Amira pointed to the first thing on the list, which was "mom".

"I know." Riley lamented, she hadn't spoken to Topanga since their fight about Maya three days ago. She hadn't brought it up to anyone, even Amira since then, she had noticed her dad treating them both with kid gloves but didn't want to think much of it.

Three days and no words spoken to her mother. They lived together, and nothing…

"But you have to meet me where I'm at and not where you think I should be at." Riley reminded herself hollowly.

"Do you want to talk about your relationship with your mother?" Amira asked unsure, she could see Riley was fighting herself. She almost felt Riley's itchiness in her own skin. The young girl was shaking slightly- her head bowed down to hid her face. Amira said nothing till she saw a tear down fall down and hit Riley's leg.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

 _Last night…_

Auggie looked to be taking the silent treatment between them harder than anyone in the house. Riley was surprised to see her little brother at her door after dinner. He was crouched down and had his hands wrapped over his head, as if he were in pain.

"Auggie?" Riley asked alarmed. "Are you okay?"

"Why don't you talk to mom?" Auggie asked immediately. Riley was taken back by the anger and sadness coming from her little brother.

"Auggie, I love you, but this has nothing to do with you." Riley advised him as she open her door to let herself in.

"It has everything to do with me!" Auggie almost yelled at her. His eyes and cheeks were red. "Neither of you talk to each other anymore! You guys can't even be in the same room now! Dad is acting like everything will fix itself but it won't if you guys can't talk to each other!" He wiped away new tears and looked up at his big sister pleadingly, "I don't know what happened but nothing can be as bad as knowing that you never tried to fix it."

Riley bit her inner cheek and knelt down till she was eye level with Auggie, "I know this can't fix itself but I can't talk to mom right now, not like this." She cradled Auggie's face in her hands, "I'm sorry Auggie. I didn't know this was so rough on you."

Auggie began crying again as Riley pulled him into a tight hug, "I don't like it when we're mean to each other. Why can't we be together again?"

Riley could feel her brother's tears soak through her shirt. "I don't know why Auggie, I just know it can't happen right now. But we're still a family, okay?" She pulled him away at arm's length and was surprised to see him look angry again.

After a moment his face began to soften, "Not when we're like this."

It was a few hours later when she heard soft music play from Auggie's room, she stepped out and stopped short when she saw her father. His head pressed against the door as Auggie's voice- off key and sweet as possible- could be heard singing along with another voice.

" _Why don't you talk to each other? Why don't you talk to each other? Just give it a try. Why don't you talk about what happened? I know you're trying to avoid it but I don't know why. You might not believe it. You might not believe it but you got a lot in common, you really do. You both love me and I love both of you_."

She gulped as she rested against the wall. She noticed Cory give her a knowing glance- as pleading as the look Auggie gave her- before looking past her. She looked back to see Topanga's retreating back.

The words were there. Just trapped in the both of them.

Cory just sighed as he watched the two people he loved so much walk away silently.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"It's up to you." Amira reminded her.

Riley nodded as she again pushed back her curtain of hair off her face. "I don't want to talk about it now." She decided, it was too soon and too much right now. She wasn't angry any more but she was tired of the whole issue with her mom. It felt archaic and almost cliché at this point to be bickering so much this past year, she knew it would have eventually reached its boiling point. But she didn't know when it would and she didn't think the fight would be so personal and pivotal to other relationships as well.

She suspected that Amira would be disappointed in her, but the woman looked understanding and offered her a soft closed lip smile. "At your own pace." Amira reminded her.

"Thank you." Riley's voice was feeble at best as she went to the next list on the paper.

"Anytime." Amira smiled as they worked again on coping.

It was late by the time Riley got back home from Zay where she had gone after therapy. She had done her homework there instead of coming home right afterward. It was nice to spend time with friends who liked her and didn't find her weird or out there. She loved how Dashi and her loved to talk about clothes and experimenting with new styles, she loved that Noni was as eccentric as her when it came to art and music (purple cats always made it into their conversation, Nia was the big sister she never had, Zay was big brother she never had, and Harley…well Harley was special to her.

Really special.

She still wasn't talking to her mother, Auggie was holed up in his room, and her dad seemed to not be bothered by it all. Or at least was acting like it wasn't bothering him.

Her bay window was still locked and closed off by her curtains. It was nice and not so nice to have her room completely closed off. It gave her a sense of control of who she could let it and not let in, in the figurative and literal sense.

She laid down on her bed and took a deep breath, repeating the steps Amira had showed her when it came to deep breathing exercises. After a moment she felt less stressed and lighter. Her muscles felt achy but not heavy. Her mind cleared and calm.

A moment later she pulled out the Prussian blue book that she had pilfered from Amira's bookshelf and opened it up to the first page.

A/N: I apologize about the time it took to post. Being a therapist takes toll on a person in real life unfortunately. I hope to update in a week or so. Auggie's song is called "Both of you", written by Rebecca Sugar for Steven Universe. The characters of Harley, Nia, Nomi, Dashi, and Zay's family are based on real life actors.


	7. Chapter 7

Topanga was at her wits end with Riley. She was now refusing to leave her room and/or talk rationally with her or Cory. Topanga nearly screamed her voice raw at Riley, ordering her daughter to leave from under the bed.

Between Riley acting "Riley" and Cory not giving a crap, Topanga was developing a headache. It was now 10 am, Auggie was at school and she was going to be late for a client meeting at this point…And Cory was making a cup of coffee…with cinnamon?

"What are you doing?" Topanga asked confused as she walked closer to the kitchenette, Cory hated cinnamon, but right now he was sprinkling quite a lot into a large mug of coffee. "You hate cinnamon." she reminded him.

Cory began swirling milk and sugar into the mug, a smug grin plastered on his face, "I know. It doesn't smell that great with coffee."

Topanga furrowed her brow, "So…why are you making a cup of it while our 15 years old daughter hides under her bed like a scared puppy?" she asked as she began to grow impatient with her husband's nonchalant attitude.

"Because I know one way to please people is to give them what they want." Cory answered simply as he walked past her with mug in hand.

"And who would want cinnamon coffee?" Topanga asked, Cory smiled back at her and opened their door to reveal Amira, bundled up in dark red coat and black beanie, her hand raised as if she was ready to knock.

"Thanks for coming Amira." Cory greeted her, passing her the cup of coffee. "Sorry for interrupting your meeting." He added nervously.

Topanga looked between the two, a slew of questions forming in her mind. Amira looked a bit flustered as she took of her coat, "Not a problem. Is she still under her bed?"

"Yeah." Cory answered tiredly, "She's pretty adamant about staying under there until, and I quote, "the whole world gets along perfectly."" Cory rubbed his face, showing for the first time in a long time, Topanga realized, concerned and upset. She had thought he was either simply ignoring or enjoying the tension between her and Riley, he hadn't said a word to either of them since their fight three days ago. This was the first time Cory looked troubled.

"Figured out what happened yet?" Amira asked, gulping down her coffee. Topanga noticed the dark circles under the therapist's eyes, she looked jittery already.

Cory sensed this as well, "Not yet. You feel up to talk to her?"

"Yeah." She passed the mug back to him, already three fourth finished with it. "I'll call you guys if I need your assistance." She pointed to hallway, "Which room?"

Cory and Topanga stared in awe at the almost done mug of still steaming coffee, "Last room on the right." Cory stuttered out as he watched Amira go to Riley's room. He looked between the mug and Topanga, shrugging at her stunned and confused face. "She-uh, was in the middle of going to some presentation."

"Why did you call her?" Topanga asked tersely.

"Because she's our daughter's therapist and does this for a living." Cory explained reasonably.

"But I was handling it." Topanga explained, annoyance masking the anger that was starting to run through her body. She sort of didn't like Amira, if she had to be honest with herself.

"Honey, you know I love you but I have to honest. You weren't handling it, neither of us were that why I had to call Amira." Cory shrugged, "Look I know you don't think Riley's been improving since starting therapy, but I think she has. She's not the same Riley but she's not the old one either."

Topanga shook her head at that, "What does that even mean?"

Cory huffed his laughter out, he loved his wife but he at times missed her old ways. He sometimes blamed himself for their switch of personalities. At one point he was the serious one between the two while Topanga was the spiritual and care free one, he was becoming a good mixture of their former selves and something resembling an adult. But he was always worried that Topanga had lost that little bit of herself. At times she would show that part of herself with others and let it shine but she would always force that part of herself back into its coffin.

"It means that you're pushing Riley into becoming something she isn't."

"No, I'm not!" Topanga stated indignantly.

"Yes, you are Topanga. You're pushing her into becoming this person she either doesn't want to be or can't be, you may not notice that but she has."

"Cory, all I want her to do is be more responsible and put more thought into her future. I'm trying to lead her to place where she can become an adult. That's what a parent does."

Cory sighed, he grabbed his wife by her shoulder and held her tight before cupping her face in his hands, "She doesn't need a parent, she needs her mom. Not some who can guide her or lead her into the future. She just needs a mom, she needs you to listen to her, that's all." Cory explained quietly. He dropped his hands to his side and walked away, leaving Topanga alone and quietly analyzing his words.

Xoxoxoxoxoxo

"Go away!" Riley yelled from under her bed, believing the person to be her mom again.

"Well I would but then I gotta go to that meeting and I really rather not." Said the familiar voice in a sarcastic manner.

"Ms. Habib?" Riley pushed her bed skirt up and looked up to see Amira sitting down in front of her. "What are you doing here?"

Amira made a soft "hmm" noise, "That's not the question, the question should be why are you hiding underneath your bed?"

Riley sniffed, she had cried herself to the point of no tears all night and was now thinking of ways to live under her bed. "I don't want to leave."

Amira frowned, "Are you being evicted from your room?"

"No."

"Then what's the reason?"

Riley sighed, "You're going to be mad at me."

Amira pursed her lips, "That's an interesting opening salvo." Amira mumbled more to herself than to Riley as she began to lay on the floor next to Riley, pushing the bed skirt further in order to see the girl's face better. "Why would I be mad at you, Riley?"

"Because I took this from your office." Riley answered steadily as she passed the Prussian blue book back to Amira.

The older woman's face warped into many emotions, from anger to cautious to concern. "You read this?" Amira asked.

Riley nodded.

"The whole book?"

Riley nodded again.

Amira let out a low whistle, "That's-uh, that's some heavy reading."

"Are you mad at me?" Riley asked, desperation and fear lining her voice.

Amira rubbed her face and paused before flipping through her old book. She could see dried out water marks on some pages. "Well, yeah. I'm mad that you took something from me without my permission and at the same time, I'm worried. Riley, this book is about trafficking and you read the whole book. Are you okay?"Amira paused again, "Nope, I take back that question since you're hiding under your bed." She shook her head, "What happened?"

Riley sniffed again, she wiped away a tear as she tried to regain her breath, "I saw some of your books about trafficking and I got interested so I looked up some stuff online but it was a lot and I didn't know where to start so I thought I could just borrow one of your books and I saw this one and read the whole thing and after I read the book I decided to read more and I found some documentaries and memoirs and I went through those as well and then I got really angry and then really sad and now I'm both really angry and really sad and I hate people now so I'm not leaving from under my bed till everyone is nice to each other!" Riley explained in one long go of breath.

Amira nodded and waited a moment for Riley to catch her breath. "Feel better?" she asked. Riley gulped and began to cry again, fresh tears falling down her face as she let the bed skirt fall down. "NO!"

"I figured that." Amira stated softly, "First time I read the book I stayed holed up in my dorm for three days, my friends had to actually drag me into the bathroom."

"How do people treat others like that? Like they don't matter?! Why doesn't anybody do anything to stop people from hurting others?! From hurting kids?!" Riley cried from under her bed.

Amira pressed her lips together before thinking of an answer, "There's no easy way to explain that Riley, and there's no good explanation either. I wish there was cause that would really give many survivors out there a bit of closure, but no one knows. All we can do is hope and do things that effect world in a positive way."

"What's the point though!? What's the point in being good if people still get hurt? There are thousands of girls my age in New York alone being treated like they are nothing, like they don't have a name and a heart and they don't see anything good, it's all evil! Where are the good people to help them?!" Riley screamed. "I don't understand how people can do that. Hurt others like that! Even family members, they do that to their own kids…I-I never thought people could be that cruel!" Riley wailed.

"Riley," Amira's voice was calm and relaxed as she pushed up the bed skirt to reveal a crying and blotchy Riley. Her eyes were teary and red, and her front brow sweaty. "I can't explain humans, despite that I made a career of studying them, I just can't. But I can tell you that there are a lot of good people out there, each one doing something to combat this. And each one, in their own way, makes living here a little bit easier."

"Then why does bad stuff still happen?" Riley asked defensively.

Amira shrugged, "It just does, I wish it didn't, believe me." She took Riley's hands in hers', "But it does and it sucks, you just have to find a way to heal when it happens, otherwise the whole world is going to pull you under and drown you. And it ain't going to be pretty."

Riley let out a weird combination of a cough and laugh, "I hate myself." She stated in tone that sounded bitter and sour at once.

"Why?"

"Because, I have this life. I have this life and I'm miserable. I'm a spoiled brat. I wake up every day in a house with my parents and go to school and I don't have to worry about someone hurting me, about someone making me do something that I don't want to do, about making enough money to support myself or my family. I just go to school and I complain about that too! I go to school and have a dad who helps me!" she explained tearfully, "I do this and then complain about stupid stuff when girls my age have actual issues."

She felt Amira squeeze her hands, "Riley, just because you live in a nice house and go to school doesn't mean your feelings and tribulations don't count for anything. You're allowed to complain, you're allowed to feel depressed and angry about your life, that's natural and healthy. Everyone has things they need to vent about." Amira chided gently, "And yeah, you don't have to worry about a lot of things, but you still have your concerns. You can't compare your life to anyone else's."

Riley breathed slowly in and out, "You're just saying that, truth is I'm just a brat."

"No." Amira gently picked up Riley's chin in her hand, "Truth is you're a very young and compassionate girl who has a lot of empathy." She brushed back a stray of hair glued to Riley's cheek. "Riley, you are a very good person who has just realized there are a lot of more evil things in the world that aren't reported on the ten o'clock news. What did you learn?"

Riley frowned at that, "What do you mean?"

"Well, you read the book and more so. What did you learn about people?"

"That they're mean."

"Well in every story there is a batman and a joker. That rings true to real life as well, so what did you learn?" Amira asked again.

It took a beat for Riley to understand her question, "That there are a lot of programs out there that are willing to help survivors."

"Cool, like which?"

Riley paused again, "Well, there is an all-girls program in New York and two others in DC. There is a really big LGBT group in California as well that helps survivors."

Amira smiled, "Yep, there's a whole lot of batmen and supermen, and wonder women…basically the entire justice league, avengers, and x-men."

Riley bit back a smile, "Do you do anything to help? I mean…I know you help people but.."  
"Yes." Amira answered timidly, "Truth is the agency actually helps minors who have survived trafficking and abuse, we work with them in the morning and afternoons and then take in private clients in the evening."

Riley's eyes became as wide as saucers. "You do that?"

Amira nodded while exhaling, "Six days a week, for the past six years. It's an emotional and it take a toll on you like you won't believe."

"How do you do it?" Riley asked, slowly moving out from under her bed.

"What do you mean?"  
"How do you hear those stories day after day and still believe the world is good. I've seen you smile and laugh and I feel like I can't laugh ever again after seeing and reading what I read." Riley sounded like she was near tears again, she wiped her face with a bed sheet.

Amira pondered about how to answer that question. She slowly got up and pulled her legs close to her chest. "I have friends and family who love me and don't allow me to talk about my job. I play music and pretend I'm singing at Madison Square, and I watch cartoons." Amira counted off, "I basically practice self-care like my life depends on it because it does, more so my sanity." She huffed.

Riley shook her head in disbelief, "And this is what you want to do? For your entire life?"

Amira smiled, "Yes, but not my _entire_ life. I do have an end goal in all this. But yes," she nodded her side to side, "I love what I do, I love helping people and I love working with kids and teenagers who just need a safe space to state what they need to state."

Riley nodded, she began to quickly wipe away tears, "I want to help people. I want to leave the world with a smile and know that I helped people." Riley stated with confidence, "I don't want bad people to win." She was now fully out from under the bed. "What can I do?" she asked excitedly.

"What?"

"What can I do to help?" Riley asked again, "I want to help! I want to be able to say that I made a mark on the world. I feel like all I've been doing is crying and I don't want to keep doing that Ms. Habib. I want to make a difference, I just don't know how." She stated honestly, "How do I make a difference?"

Amira bit her lip for a moment, looking quite thoughtful about how she was going to respond. "Well, you did step one rather well."

"Getting out from under the bed?" Riley asked shyly.

"Getting out from under the bed." Amira confirmed, nodding her approval.

"The next step is focusing on your mental health. You need to help yourself before you help anyone else." She explained, sounding stern. She got up to her feet and then helped Riley get to hers'. "I know you want to help but I need you to focus on you right now before you start looking for volunteer projects."

Riley was disappointed but couldn't voice it, she knew why Amira was warning her about not jumping into anything so soon. Her depression was something she was still trying to control. "Okay, I mean I could look at a few organizations once I get to school."

"You're not going to school." Amira told her.

"What?"

"You are not going to school." Amira repeated, she guided the younger girl out the door and into the bathroom, "You're getting a pass for school, you need a mental health day." She turned Riley around so that the young girl was facing her, "I'm even giving you a pass on therapy today, I need you to relax for the day and just be fifteen year old you, okay?"

"Why?"

"Because, you read and watched a lot of heavy stuff that I don't think you were ready for but I can see you're interested in joining the fight, so consider this your day of rest." Amira explained before closing the door, before she could close it fully Riley asked her another question.

"Can I at least read about interventions for traumatized clients?" she asked hopefully, only to be met by a dead eyed Amira.

"Wash your face." Amira responded as a form of good bye before closing the door fully.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"That's it?" Topanga asked she watched Amira put back on her coat, Cory looked perplexed at Amira's story of what had happened.

"That's it." Amira confirmed.

"And you're cancelling her therapy session for today?" Topanga asked for clarification.

"Yes."

"Why?" Topanga was confused, "She clearly needs that appointment!"

Amira took a glance at Cory, who was hanging back behind his wife. "She doesn't, she needs to take in what happened."

"Nothing happened to her!" Topanga was trying her best to be patient, "She read some books and saw some movies that she shouldn't have seen, but it didn't happen to her. What does she need to "Take in"?"

"Ms. Matthews, Riley saw and read some really traumatizing materials that I doubt any emotionally stable person could get through, the fact that she got through them and just ended up refusing to leave from under her bed is something that I'm still surprised about." Amira tried to reason, "She needs a breather and if she goes back to school without one, then I would be concerned about what could trigger her. She was already overwhelmed when I got here, imagine if you send her to school like that."

Topanga pinched the bridge of her nose in disbelief, "Are you kidding me? She saw the real world and couldn't take it. That's it. She's not the only one that has to wake up to reality, it's not a pretty world filled with butterflies and purple cats. She had a dose of reality thrown at her and she has to face it!"

"True," Amira agreed smoothly, "And she took it much like anyone would, in their own way."

"You're coddling her." Topanga snapped. "I'm trying to raise an adult here."

"She's not an adult Ms. Matthews, she's fifteen. Let her be fifteen, there are a whole of parents who would love it if there fifteen years old daughters would just be fifteen for a moment instead of adults due to circumstances out of their control. Consider yourself lucky." She pointed at Cory, "No school today."

"Got it." Cory nodded, waving bye to Amira as she left their place.

"She can't be Riley's therapist anymore." Topanga seethed as soon as their door shut, pointing a finger at her husband.

"She's good for Riley."

"How can you say that?" Topanga asked, besides herself. "She isn't helping Riley at all. She's still _stagnant_."

Cory was about to say something he would immediately regret, he closed his mouth and slowly breathed in through his nose.

"Cory?"

"Riley's not stagnant." Cory's voice was clipped, he pressed his hands together, hoping the action would create some type of tolerance to build towards his wife's disregard to their daughter's mental health status. "She's not an adult and she's not you, Topanga. Riley is our daughter and right now she needs her mom and dad."

"She needs to wake up!"

"You need to wake up!" Cory snapped, "You need to know that you can't live vicariously through Riley, you can't make her out to be the better Topanga because she can't be you, no matter your efforts or hers. And don't think she hasn't tried, because she has tried so hard but you never cared because she was never like you."

Topanga stood rock still, it had been a long time since Cory had yelled at her. "Take that back." She ordered.

"No." Cory said simply, "Not taking it back."

"Dad?" Riley appeared at the edge of the hallway, looking at them questioningly. "Is everything okay?" She asked worriedly.

"Yeah," Cory lied, he had his arm open wide to pull Riley into a hug. He glanced a still stunned Topanga, wondering if she would even care to ask Riley if she was okay.

"How you feeling?" Cory asked his daughter.

"Better." She replied, squeezing him with all her energy. "Sorry that I made you late."

Cory rubbed his daughter's back soothingly, "No worries, you're more important. Are you hungry?"

"Yes." Riley pulled away, rubbing her eyes.

"Great, why don't we go out for breakfast?" Cory looked at her, "Want to get some waffles?"

Riley looked elated at the suggestion, she bounced on her tippy toes, "And pancakes?" she asked with a puppy dog look.

"If we're doing both, we might as well spring for French toast!" Cory responded back giggly. "Let's go!" he grabbed both their jackets, leaving Topanga alone.

Yet again.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Cory and Riley walked silently for a few blocks, they would occasionally look at each other and smile before walking in absolute quiet again.

"Did I ever tell you what I was like before you were born?" Cory asked, not really sure where he was taking this.

"Yes." Riley smiled grabbing a hold of her father's arm, "Many times. You were just like me."

Cory nodded, "Yeah, just like you." He voice waivered off for a moment, again unsure about how to open and start the discussion he was hoping he would never have with his daughter.

He cleared his throat, "Riley, I was a lot like you, did you know that I was a wreck before you were born?"

"What do you mean?" Riley asked, she stopped walking.

"Well, I mean, I-I" Cory stopped for a moment.

"Dad?" Riley pulled his arm, "You can tell me."

"Yeah I know." Cory carded his hair back, "Just trying to figure out how to _tell_ you." He sighed, "I wasn't a good person before you were born Riley. I wasn't a good husband, friend, or brother. I just was so lost and empty that I didn't even have the energy to get out of bed most days."

"Really?" Riley felt something in her stomach began to churn at the image of her dad, the man she loved most in world, laying in his bed depressed and gone to the world. "And mom was okay with that?"

"Your mom didn't know." Cory admitted with something that sounded a lot like shame lining his voice. He sniffed, "I was a mess and did a lot of things to make myself feel better that I would you never ever do."

"Like what?" Riley asked cautiously. She couldn't see her dad hurting himself in any form. He was her dad, her rock and her cheerleader, he was susceptible to being harmful to himself.

"Like drink...a lot and cut…and there was moment, a really close moment where I didn't want to be here." Cory admitted, "I just wanted to give up everything."

Riley nodded, not paying attention to the tears that were again falling. Neither of them realized that they were crying in the middle of the city.

"What made you stop?" Riley asked with a shaky breath.

"You." Cory answered simply. "Riley," he pulled her closer, wiping away stray tears with his thumb. "You were my life saver, I didn't have a reason to get up from bed till you came into my life. I don't ever think I'll forget my excitement when is saw you for the first time, it was just this pure unconditional love that I never felt and I swore to myself right there and then that I would never hurt you, never let anything hurt you." He sniffed again, almost cracking when he realized that Riley was wiping away his tears.

"If I could, I would cut off my right arm to protect you, I would just take on everything you were feeling right now, but I know that I can't and it kills me to know you have all this grief in you that you are hiding behind a fake smile." Cory coughed as Riley began to hiccup, she was crying hard as he finally admitted to knowing what she had been trying to hide from everyone for a long time. "Riley, I know that I can't protect you from everything, even yourself, but I don't want you to think that you have to be a soldier through and through. You can break down, you can destroy everything around you, you can scream into the sky for all I care, but I never want you to hide your pain like that with a fake smile."

Riley pulled him into a hug, breaking down all over again. "Give me your worst and best and I'll take it all." Cory promised, "You don't have to carry it all, okay?" he squeezed her tight, not caring a bit as onlookers walked past them with worried glances. "I don't know exactly what you're going through Riley but I know some parts and just know that I will love you throughout it all."

Riley nodded and wrapped her arms around her father's neck. Instinctively, Cory lifted her off the ground and kissed her temple.

"I love you dad."

"I love you too, honey." He pressed another kiss to her temple and slowly let her down. They pulled away at arm's length from each other, each taking in the other's appearance.

"Pancakes?" Cory asked after a minute.

"Pancakes." Riley confirmed.

They started to walk again and the conversation began to start up again, about Riley and how she was feeling about her friends, about herself, about her mom…she felt something in her gut un-clench as her dad took in everything she was saying and squeezed her hand in reassurance.

She was always so close to her dad, she was afraid that when fell more into her depression her dad's relationship with her would change, that he would see her differently.

He didn't see her differently, he saw her clearer and it didn't change her relationship with her dad in the way she thought, it marked a new chapter.

(An honest one.)

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Amira was not ready for the drama that was engulfing her day at the moment. Torri had warned her that a parent was now in her office, between that and Jallani down her throat about missing the meeting and having Farkle's parents calling in about her, she was having a crappy day.

She walked into her office to find Topanga laying down on her floor. "Ms. Matthews?"

Topanga didn't move an inch, she kept looking at the ceiling. "I'm a horrible mother." She confessed morosely.

Amira could only look back at a smiling Torri, who threw her a can of ginger ale before giving her a two finger salute. The therapist huffed out her disdain for the impromptu meeting and closed the door. "And?"

"I'm a horrible mother." Topanga repeated.

"Still don't know what that has to do with you laying on my office floor." Amira mused, she sat down at her desk chair.

Topanga sat up half way, "Aren't you suppose to help me? Tell me that I'm not a bad mother?"

Amira opened her computer and began to riffle through her paperwork, "No, because that's not my job."

"You're a therapist, you're supposed to be supportive." Topanga clarified, struggling a bit to get up. "Is this what you do with Riley?"

"No, because Riley is my client, and you're her mother, not my client."

"So I have to pay you to be considerate?" Topanga asked sarcastically. "You have horrible clinical skills, do you know that?"

Amira laughed, "I don't, but that's your opinion. I'm just trying to figure out why you really came down here." Amira explained as she opened her can of giner-ale.

"For _help_." Topanga stressed, "You know what? Forget it, coming here was clearly a mistake." Topanga decided getting up from the ground fully.

"At least be honest with yourself if you're going to leave dramatically." Amira pipped before Topanga could get to the door.

"What does that mean?" Topanga asked with dagger in her eyes.

"It means you didn't come here for "help", you came down here because you're curious." Amira smirked, she had played these games before with parents and hated it. Topanga needed a push for sure but needed to do it on her own.

"About what?" Topanga sniffed, her arms crossed defensively as she slowly strode closer to Amira's desk.

Amira smirked, "Really, we're playing this game? Ms. Matthews, I don't have time to do this with you right now, you and I both know why you're down here so either say so or leave." Amira got up and led Topanga to the door.

They were merely two feet away when Topanga yelled out "Why don't I get along with my daughter?!"

Amira rolled her eyes, "Thank you Allah, I thought I would never hear you say it." Amira sighed as she walked back over to her desk.

"Well?" Topanga asked impatiently as she watched the other woman sit back down.

"Well what?"

Topanga felt ready to scream, "Why don't I get Riley?" She asked, she was two seconds away from shaking the therapist. "Why does it seem that everyone gets Riley, except for me?" she began to pace nervously.

"Do you want to get Riley?" Amira countered.

"Of course I do!"

"Do you like her?"

Topanga dead eyed the woman, "Of course I love her, she's my daughter!"

Amira shook her head, "I didn't ask that, I asked if you like Riley. Do you like her as the person she is?"

Topanga bit her tongue for a moment, "Well,…yeah. I mean there are some things that I wish she would stop doing."she shrugged as she continued to pace the room.

"Like what?" Amira asked, sounding interested in a genuine way.

Topanga sighed halfheartedly, she knew exactly what she wanted to change about her daughter."Well I wish she would stop this obsession she has with purple cats, it just sounds juvenile. And her constant skipping, she looks like a five year old. And her consistent day dreaming and her wanting everything to be frilly and happy, it's just so annoying. She can just be grating and she…" Topanga allowed her own words to repeat in her head for a moment. "Oh my God." She softly gasped as she sunk down onto the floor, her hands on her head. She realized she was going on a diatribe about her own _daughter_.

Amira looked at her watch, "Well that took longer than I thought it would."

"I don't like my daughter."

"Bingo." Amira said softly pointing at her.

Topanga could feel the tears sting her eyes, "I don't like my daughter." She repeated hollowly.

"I got that." Amira replied.

"I just listed every quality about my daughter that I hated that makes her _her_." Topanga admitted in a whisper. "What kind of mother does that?" she asked in shock awe.

Amira shrugged, "Many moms." She finally sounded sincere and caring, "You're one of the few to come to terms about it though." She glanced at her computer woefully, "Did you want to have Riley?"

"What?" Topanga asked, not really paying attention to what Amira was saying.

"You heard me." Amira sighed.

"I-…Not really." Topanga bit the inside of her check as revulsion set in, she remembered not being excited at all about Riley. She didn't feel like it was a good time to be pregnant since she was in the start of law program at Columbia, she was concerned about having to drop out in order to care for Riley, but Cory had stepped in and stepped up as a dad. He was the point man throughout the pregnancy and throughout Riley's first few years in the world. From 3 am feedings, diaper changes, doctor appointments, first school lunches, homework, and the ups and downs of the joy of taking care of a toddler to being the parent of a pre-teen, Cory was there for Riley.

If Topanga had to be honest, she wasn't excited at all about Riley when she was pregnant. She was completely different with Auggie, she was excited because she was ready and wanted a baby then. But with Riley…

She just never was there.

"I guess that why I always feel like she and Cory are more alike, he was always there for her. I just gave up before even trying, I guess." Topanga tearfully admitted after explaining her pregnancy and first few years of motherhood to Amira.

"Seems like you're still not ready for her." Said Amira after a while, "Do you feel like she's more like Cory than like you?"

"Are you kidding me? She's all Cory!" Topanga laughed, "From her wit to her hopefulness, it's all him." Topanga smiled, "Don't get me wrong, I love Cory with all my heart, but it's different. I'm used to him but with Riley…" she shrugged, "I don't know."

Amira smirked, "Hmm, I don't know about that. There are some stories I've heard about the younger you from Cory and Riley, seems like Riley picked up a few things from you without you realizing it."

"Yeah right." Topanga snorted.

"I am right." Amira rebuked gently, "From what I gathered from Cory, he was more sensible one between the two of you back in the day."

"Yeah," Topanga confirmed without arguing, "We were young, we've both grown up since then. I'm not the same person anymore, that's for sure."

Amira picked up something from Topanga's tone and body language that made her feel like there was something more there. "What was the old you like?"

Topanga pulled a face, "Ugh, I was basically this flower power child, both my parents were hippies. I was so serene and calm, I was all about not caring what others thought of me. I guess to them I was weird because I so balmy and hopeful, I never wanted to see how bad the world was. I just hoped I could make it better and wholesome again."

"How so?"

Topanga couldn't help but smile at the memories of the younger her. "Well, you know. Plant zen gardens, have books everywhere. Be one with the planet and nature." Topanga let out her hair from its hold, letting it fall out of place, "I was just this cheery girl who wanted to be free and go where the wind takes her with her friends."

Amira smiled, "That sounds very familiar." She quipped.

"Yeah?" Topanga asked, sounding genuinely intrigued.

"Yes." Amira nodded, laying back in her chair. "Ms. Matthews, I don't think you have a problem relating to Riley, I think you have a problem relating yourself."

Topanga frowned, "What does that mean?"

"It means that Riley and you are a lot more alike than you are willing to admit. We're all trying to grow up and become adults, don't get me wrong, it's something we all need to do. But we can let down our guards to be vulnerable again, especially with our kids." Amira explained.

"How would that help Riley though? Letting her know that I was a spaz doesn't exactly show me to be a good role model." Topanga asked annoyed with Amira's advice.

"And that's where you're wrong, you don't need to be the role model, the superhero, or the strong one. You just need to show her you're her mom, that's it. Riley needs to know that person behind the mask, faults and all."

Topanga allowed a few tears to fall, she felt something soft press into her hands and found Amira had stuffed a tissue into her hands. She never noticed the other woman walk closer to her. "I need to like the old me, don't I?"

"That would a great start." Amira agreed.

Before Topanga could say thank you the door open loudly revealing a very short woman in a beige and black power suit, she looked to be over sixty years old with a red scarf covering her hair. Topanga looked back to see a stunned Amira.

"Um, hey Jallani." Amira greeted, sounding very unsure and nervous at the sight of the woman.

"Ms. Habib," the woman's voice was snippy. "Care to explain to me why I have a very angry set of parents yelling at me for having CPS being sent to their home?"

Topanga looked wide eyed at a now pale Amira. "Um, oh crap."

Topanga slowly excused herself from what appeared to be a very personal and private meeting. If she had stayed longer she would have heard Jallani ask Amira where Farkle was.

"He should be at school." Amira answered confused.

"He's not and he hasn't been at home since last night."

"We have a missing kid?" Amira asked, fear running through her.

Jallani nodded gravely, "We have a missing kid." She looked at the clock mounted on the wall. "Seventeen hours and counting."


	8. Chapter 8

_To my Grandfather_

 _I love you and I'll miss you forever. Thank you for loving and caring for me._

Before Topanga could say thank you the door open loudly revealing a very short woman in a beige and black power suit, she looked to be over sixty years old with a red scarf covering her hair. Topanga looked back to see a stunned Amira.

"Um, hey Jallani." Amira greeted, sounding very unsure and nervous at the sight of the woman.

"Ms. Habib," the woman's voice was snippy. "Care to explain to me why I have a very angry set of parents yelling at me for having CPS being sent to their home?"

Topanga looked wide eyed at a now pale Amira. "Um, oh crap."

Topanga slowly excused herself from what appeared to be a very personal and private meeting. If she had stayed longer she would have heard Jallani ask Amira where Farkle was.

"He should be at school." Amira answered confused.

"He's not and he hasn't been at home since last night."

"We have a missing kid?" Amira asked, fear running through her.

Jallani nodded gravely, "We have a missing kid." She looked at the clock mounted on the wall. "Seventeen hours and counting." Jallani looked wiped out as she moved closer to Amira, a grave look of concern etched into her face. "When was the last time you spoke with him?"

Amira thought back, she and Farkle had spoken briefly about CPS coming to his home. "He came here two days ago, I spoke to him yesterday. CPS went to the home yesterday?"

Jallani huffed out a breath, sounding annoyed. "And they botched up royally."

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Riley snuggled up to her father as the two shared a bowl of popcorn as they watched Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back. It was their favorite and something they would occasionally watch when they needed a break from work and school.

Corey's phone began to ring shrilly in the background, he got up and let Riley know he could continue to watch without him. Riley shrugged, but paused the movie anyway. It wasn't fun to watch and run the lines without her dad.

A moment later Topanga came in, she stopped at the door when she saw that Riley was on the couch, ignoring her presence as she ate a handful of popcorn.

"Hi?" Topanga winced at the fact she said the greeting in the form of a question. She slowly walked over to the couch, waving hand at her daughter briefly before setting her hand back to her side. She nudged closer to the couch, "Is it okay that I sit next to you?"

Riley looked at her mother for a few minutes, waving on the decision before shrugging and making room on the couch for her mother.

"Thank you." Topanga responded as she sat down, she recognized the movie. Riley and Corey always watched Empire Strikes Back when they felt upset and depressed, or needed a pick me up.

"How are you feeling?" Topanga asked as the silence stretched on between them.

Riley shrugged.

"I never got to ask you, do you like Ms. Habib? Is she a good therapist?" Topanga asked, only receiving a shrug as an answer.

Topanga sighed, she knew she would never get anywhere like this with Riley. She knew what the issues was, and as much as she _hated_ to admit it. Amira was right about her.

"Riley?" Topanga waited till she was sure that Riley was looking at her. "I'm sorry for telling Maya and her mother about you seeing Ms. Habib and having depression and cutting. You're right, it wasn't something that I had the right to tell. You should have been allowed to tell her at your own time and pace." Topanga confessed, she laid back on the couch as she continued. "I didn't think about how it would affect you and I didn't consider your feelings. I have to admit, I haven't been considering how you feel about a lot of things and I'm sorry that I've been harsh and I guess, distant in a way." Topanga began to feel her eyes prickle with tears. "I'm truly sorry that I didn't make you feel like you mattered to me because you do, I need you to realize that I didn't see it that way. I guess that I felt that since you had your dad, you didn't need me and I know it doesn't make any sense but…I don't know, I guess I just shut myself off from you without realizing it. Without realizing I was hurting you. I'm sorry." Topanga waited for a moment to see if Riley would respond.

She didn't.

Topanga nodded, she gave it a shot and she knew that there was a chance it would take Riley a moment to forgive her. She wiped away her tears and got up but felt a hand hold her wrist, stopping her form moving on.

She looked down to see Riley's head cast down, tear drops on her jeans as her grip around her mother's wrist tightened. Topanga slowly sat back down as Riley pulled herself close to her mom. Topanga couldn't help but feel new wave of tears flow as she felt Riley's tears through her shirt. "I'm so sorry, honey." Topanga apologized again crying as she hugged Riley close to her.

"I love you." Riley softly said, her arms like a vice around her mother.

"I love you too." Topanga confessed into her daughter's hair, kissing the top of her head a few times before resting her own head against her daughter's. Topanga then pulled away as new tears began to cascade down her face and Riley's. She brushed away her daughter's tears. "I love you so much. I love you." She kissed her daughter's forehead. "I promise you that I will be here for you, I want us to talk, okay? Really talk, and I'll listen. I promise I'll listen when you need to talk, okay?"

Riley swallowed the misery that was building in her for months, "Okay." She whimpered as her eyes burned with new tears.

Riley was pulled into another hug by her mother.

(" _It's over, isn't it? It's over, isn't it? It's over, isn't it?"_ )

The next day started off well, Riley felt lighter and whole for the first time in months. She actually made it to dinner with her family and was able to eat the entire meal. She had some issues falling asleep and staying asleep but it didn't bother her. She had spoken to her parents about the cutting, she was a bit surprised that neither reacted in a way that showed they were shocked. Cory informed Riley that it was something that they had discussed with Habib during the beginning of her therapy and that they were informed about how to approach Riley if necessary.

They did what Habib had advised them, hid the razors, knives, and any potential weapons Riley could use for cutting and Riley had shared with them her crisis support plan- including her triggers and coping skills.

The three of them had a long discussion about her current mental health status, it was honest and scary, to be this frank with her parents but they were actually supportive. They were both honest about not understanding some aspects about her depression and her reasons, but neither were judgmental. Her father was open about how he didn't fully overcome his depression to her and her mother. They had talked till late and planned for them to talk more about depression and how they could support each other more later in the week. Riley had agreed to go to DC with her parents and Auggie for a weekend trip. It wasn't a "let's get away and hope things get better" kind of trip, but a "lets get time together and have more time to talk and spend time together", they all needed a break altogether but at least they would make time to talk about their family problems. They even talked about enrolling in family therapy.

The morning had gone right, they had breakfast at home in their usual way- rushed. But there was slight change this time in how Topanga and Riley greeted each other.

No snide marks.

No sarcastic comments.

No picking.

And no sneering.

It was refreshing to be living home and having no fears or anxiety about coming back.

(Her father, on the other hand, seemed a bit wary and clung to his phone during breakfast- a rare event.)

But something was different as her morning at school progressed.

"Where Farkle?" Zay asked as Riley opened her locker, Riley frowned.

"He hasn't spoken to you?" Riley asked, clearly concerned. While Zay and Lucas were the original bff, Zay and Farkle had something about them that made it clear that they got along well- like brothers. Riley could feel her heart skip a beat as she watched Zay become scared. His face becoming darker with grief.

"No." Zay shook his head, "When was the last time you spoke to him? Has he dropped by your place?"

Riley thought back, it had been a few days since she last saw Farkle and a few weeks since she last spoke to him. "Have you called his phone?"

"No answer. He's not responding to my texts either. He's didn't come to my place last night."

"Your place?" Riley asked in confusion. She wasn't aware of their friendship culminating to the point where the guys were spending the night with each other.

Zay rolled his eyes and looked rightfully annoyed at Riley, "C'mon." he whispered as he pulled her into a maintenance closet.

Riley's eyes stung as the room was for a moment pitch black before it became illuminated in a low orange glow.

"Zay-?"

The rest of her question stilled when he looked at her with a look that Riley could only describe as "fearful" and "angry" at the same time.  
"Look, I know you've been going through a lot and you know that I love you and the guys, but in all honesty, you guys really don't know when others are drowning in the same pool as you."

The words stung at first but they quickly made sense to Riley, alarms started to ring throughout her.

"What going on with Farkle?! Is he hurting himself?!" Riley asked, nearly going into a panic.

Zay rested his hands on her shoulders to keep her calm, but his face showed little comfort. "No, he's not hurting himself."

The words were said slowly and steady, as if Zay had tested a million ways in how to say…

"Someone's hurting Farkle." Riley's voice sounded empty and hallow as she figured out what Zay was trying to say.

"He didn't admit anything to me, even though I tried. But he has bruises on his neck, back, and stomach." Zay sighed, letting his arms fall back at his side. He fell back against the wall and slowly slid down till he was seated on the floor, Riley soon followed him down to sit across from him. "I know that I should have told someone but he promised me that he already told an adult and they were working with CPS. I believed him and let him stay in my room at night because I didn't want him to be home."

"Who would hurt Farkle like that?"

"His mother."

"So he did tell you?" Riley asked for clarity.

Zay shook his head 'no', "I pieced it together with his father's business trips. The way he talked about his mother was a dead giveaway- he would turn pale and he's been having nightmares of her beating him to death. I tried to talk to him about it, but he refused so I didn't push. He said he was getting help and that he was going to tell his dad…but I don't know. He hasn't answered my calls since last night and he never is late texting me back." Zay's voice wavered and nearly cracked towards the end of his explanation. Riley could see the boy begin to panic as well, she pulled him into a hug. Tight and secure as Zay broke down.

"Nothing can happen to him, Riley." Zay whimpered into her neck.

Riley nodded against his shoulder, "Nothing will." She promised in a soft tone, unsure if that was a smart move. "This isn't your fault Zay. Okay? You didn't do anything wrong, and neither did Farkle." Riley explained, "You did everything you could to help and protect him." She reminded Zay as he broke the hug to wipe away his tears.

"I should have done more than that." Zay chided himself, pulling his legs close.

"You did more than you were supposed to, more than anyone of us. Did Smackle do anything? Has she spoken to him?"

Zay flinched at that, "Zay?" Riley studied him, forcing him to look at her when he turned his head away to study the cabinets full of tools and cleaners. "Zay, did Smackle say something to Farkle about this?"

Zay pursed his lips for a moment, "Well, you know Smackle. She's…she tries. And in her defense she doesn't know about Farkle and his mom."

"Zay!"

"She broke up with him." Zay admitted quickly in one breath.

Riley fell back, anger and regret flooding her as she tried to figure out how she missed so much.

"When?!" Riley asked in shock, as Zay looked on bashfully.

"About a few weeks back? Neither really took it hard, it was sort of mutual but I don't know…it sort of like we all took sides? Smackle has been hanging out with Lucas and Maya a lot. She and Maya are pretty much glued to the hip when Lucas isn't around."

Riley bit the inside of her cheek hard, trying to focus on how the news made her feel. It was hard to place and hard to describe.

"I'm sorry." Riley piped up after a few moments of silence between them.

Zay smiled sadly at that, "You didn't do anything Riley, you don't have to apologize."

"Are you sure about that? Cause it sort of sounds like I ruined your friendship with Lucas."

Zay shook his head as he pulled closer to her, "Trust me, you didn't." he smiled shyly for a second before explaining himself. "People change, it's kind of hard to say this out loud, but I changed and so did Lucas. Even though we grew up together, we changed into two different people who right now can't be friends."

Riley looked at him with pleading eyes, her lips pulled down in disappointment.

"Maybe later we can see eye to eye again, I'm not closed off to him forever but in the meantime…" he puled Riley's hands into his. "I know who I want to be friends with, and it's definitely you."

"I love you Zay, you know that, right?" Riley asked, nearly choking on her tears and laughter.

"I know. I love you too." He smiled sadly for a moment before being tackled into a hug. "Oomph, Riley!" he laughed out as he tried to catch them both from falling back into the wall.

They pulled away after a few minutes of just finding comfort in one another.

Zay stood up first, his hand reaching out to pull up Riley. "C'mon, we need to talk to your dad."

Riley allowed herself to be pulled up by him, "You think he knows something?" Riley asked, as she and Zay walked out to an empty hallway. They hadn't realized how much of their class time they had missed and would miss as they walked over to Cory's classroom where he was grading papers during his one period off.

"Riley, Zay." Cory frowned at them both as he glanced at the mounted clock on the wall. "You're suppose to be class."

"So is Farkle, dad, but he's not here today and he's not anwering his phone." Riley replend, sounding wounded.

Zay stood in front of Riley, a hand enclosed hers'. "Farkle is missing and we think you know why."

Cory looked between the two of them, his brow furrowed.

"How much do you two know?" he asked them, his arms crossed over his chest as he stepped back to allow the two to sit down at the two closest desks.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

 _The day before…._

Corey's phone began to ring shrilly in the background, he got up and let Riley know he could continue to watch without him. He felt panic rise in him as he closed the door as he simultaneously answered the call from Amira.

"Hey," he greeted her in a soft tone, "What's up?"

"Are you free to talk?" Amira's voice was rough and biting, something that was out of character for her, or at least appeared to be as far as Cory was concerned.

"Yeah, what's going on?"

Amira sighed before answering, "Farkle's missing."

Cory froze immediately, of all the students he had met and known, Farkle was the last (the LAST) person he would ever assume to go missing. Despite being the heir to a tech company, Farkle never seemed to be target and never made himself obvious and open to be one.

"How long has he been missing?" Cory asked, his voice sounding foreign to his ears.

"For nearly a day now, NYPD is looking for him everywhere now."

"Riley hasn't mentioned him, I don't think she knows where he could be."

Amira agreed to as much, "They haven't spoken for over two weeks now. Riley has pretty much shut herself off, the only person who has been checking on Farkle is a friend name Zay."

Cory reeled at the information he was given. "Should you be telling me all this?" Cory asked in confusion, "Isn't there a HIPPA violation you're breaking here?"

"And that's exactly how the Minkus thought they would get me." Amira preened over the phone. "Farkle was never my client and never made any legal agreement to being one- be it verbal or written. So, there is no patient doctor confidentially, but I am a mandated reporter. I had to report the Minkus' to CPS."

Cory could only nod at the response, it at least settled his concerns. Not fears, unfortunately.

"When will the school be informed?"

"They already are. They're the ones that reported him missing. Farkle's mother didn't even know that Farkle was missing till a few hours ago. She still seems upset that Farkle was talking to a therapist and not the fact that her son is missing."

"What' about Farkle's father? Stuart Minkus?" Cory asked, opening the door a crack to his wife and Riley in a tight embrace.

He couldn't fathom what was going on outside the door as Amira gave him his answer, "He's in denial. He's sure that Farkle is overreacting to his breakup with his girlfriend, Isadora. He's even ignoring what the social worker at CPS has been telling him."

"I'll talk to him." Cory promised without realizing.

He could feel Amira's eyes widening in surprise. "You want to that involved?"

"Farkle has been in my life as since Riley's been six years old and I've known his father since middle school, trust me, I'm involved." Cory explained.

"I wouldn't recommend it, but if you are inclined to talk to Mr. Minkus then you could come by the office tomorrow. Noon- the Minkus are planning to have a televised plea to help in the search of Farkle."

"Noon tomorrow, I'll be there." Cory promised. "Keep me posted?"

"Always." Amira replied before hanging up.

A.N: I owe you readers an apology for my lateness in continuing this story.

A lot of things have caused me to stop writing, including the loss of my grandfather. I hope you all like this chapter and hopefully will stick around the for the next.


	9. Chapter 9

****TRIGGER WARNING: CHILD ABUSE, PHYSICAL ABUSE, AND SUICIDE IDEATION/ATTEMPT*****

"I'll talk to him." Cory promised without realizing. He could feel Amira's eyes widening in surprise over the call. "You want to that involved?"

"Farkle has been in my life as since Riley's been six years old and I've known his father since middle school, trust me, I'm involved." Cory explained.

"I wouldn't recommend it, but if you are inclined to talk to Mr. Minkus then you could come by the office tomorrow. Noon- the Minkus are planning to have a televised plea to help in the search of Farkle." Amira explained, Cory could hear her tone turn aggravated at the idea of televised plea.

"Noon tomorrow, I'll be there." Cory promised. "Keep me posted?"

"Always." Amira replied before hanging up the phone.

That had occurred a little over 24hours ago. As of now he had his daughter and her friend, his student, in tow, as they ran to Amira's office.

Cory could see his daughter and Zay's face: distraught and fear clearly written across both their features as they waited for the elevator to reached their floor.

Cory, of course, had knots forming in his stomach as well. But all that changed, once he and the kids stepped off the elevator. The mood in the waiting room was palpable, with Torri and a few other workers standing around Torri's desk- they were huddled together- mute and still as they faced the door at the end of the office- Amira's office.

"Is everything alright?" Cory asked cautiously as he approached the group.

A woman with long dark braids turned to him, her face scrunched in confusion and frustration. "Don't know. They've been in there for a while now." She explained.

Torri nodded and pointed towards Amira's door. "She's expecting you." Torri glanced at Riley and Zay. "Are you two going in with him?"

"Yes." Riley and Zay answered in unison.

Cory huffed out a half laugh before tapping his fingers nervously against the desk. "How's the mama bear?"

Torri sucked in her cheeks for a moment before giving him a cheeky look, "Which one?" she asked sarcastically, earning a small laugh from the group.

"Fair, who's actually winning then?" Cory asked, clarifying his question. He could already hear a few different voices talking.

"Definitely Amira." Said another therapist, "She's out for blood. Luckily, ACS sent their lawyer to help us out."

Torri blew a raspberry at the woman's direction, "You honestly think ACS sent a lawyer to protect us? Ha! Please, they sent someone to cover their own ass, we're contracted; they don't have anything to gain or lose by this."

"Is there something to actually lose?" Riley asked attentively, "Are they going to shut down the clinic?"

"No." Torri answered definitively, "They can try, but they are not."

Cory, Riley, and Zay looked at awe at the group, who then suddenly seemed to straighten up and showed that they were willing to commit to the fight. It was the encouragement they needed to go in finally where they found Amira standing face to face with Farkle's mother-Jennifer, another woman with black pin straight hair and a gray suit standing behind them while two men, both wearing power suits standing on the side. Cory recognized Anuj standing behind Amira, his hand around her shoulder as a show of comfort and support. Another person, a much shorter woman wearing a black hijab stood behind Amira as well. Her eyes set unequivocally on a shaking Stuart Minkus.

"Hi." Riley spoke up first, shaking the room of adults out of their argument. Without realizing it, Riley ran straight to Amira and hugged her, barely hearing Amira ask Cory why he would Riley and another minor into the meeting.

"We begged him. We had to come. Farkle is our friend, we're not going to stand around and do nothing." Zay explained, looking clearly nervous but assured of himself and Riley. He stepped up to Amira with his hand out to shake her hand, "Isaiah Babineaux, but everyone calls me Zay."

Amira's eyes grew large, recognizing that name immediately, "You're Zay. Farkle spoke highly of you. I'm glad he had a friend taking care of him."

Something looking similar to shame and sadness settled over Zay, but before he could respond Fark's mother scoffed and snapped at Amira, "You see, how unethical she is! She basically just linked Isaiah to our son without a thought." She pointed a finely manicured figure at Amira's direction, "Do you honestly believe she's a competent therapist?"

Amira's brown eyes turned near black as she took a step towards Jennifer, only to accidentally pull Anuj as well. The woman with straight black hair held her hand in front of Amira as well, but couldn't stop Amira from nearly snapping back.

"Again, Mrs. Minkus, Farkle is over 13 years old, he legally does not need your consent to see a therapist. And again, might I repeat, for your stuck-up lawyer over there." She emphasized the insult by pointing at said lawyer.

(He did look sort of stuck up if Riley had to be honest with his sleeked backed hair and over sized gold watch)

"Farkle was never a client, meaning he never had client privilege with me. Our conversations were at max 15 minutes. So legally, LEGALLY, I couldn't even submit that as a billable and legal timed session, not even as a freaking case worker!"

The woman trying to hold back Amira glanced at Jennifer and Stuart, "And again, might I add Trevor," A man with dark gray hair and small glasses nodded in acknowledgement, "Ms. Habib did call ACS to report the _suspected_ abuse. As for you, Mr. Calder," The man with the sleeked back hair nodded while rolling his eyes, "Ms. Habib, nor did this agency and ACS play a role in your clients' son running away. In case you weren't listening to your client during the interview with NYPD, she hadn't even notice Farkle missing for over a day." The woman stepped closer to Calder. "So before you throw any type of frivolous lawsuit against the state of New York and this agency, think how much of an actual lawsuit will be pending against your clients for abuse and neglect."

Cory froze, he pulled back Riley and Zay. "You guys need to go outside, now."

"No!" Zay nearly shouted.

"Dad, we're not leaving! Farkle is missing, we can help." Riley pleaded as Cory pushed them towards the door.

"I know you can help, but listening to this won't help either of you." Before he could get them actually out of the room, a familiar voice made him stop.

"It would help me." Stuart stated, finally getting up. He was shaky on his feet, Cory could feel the wariness coming off his old school peer. Minkus looked wrecked, his skin rough, the skin under his eyes puffy and billowy.

Minkus stopped in front of Riley and Zay, he kept rubbing his hands together of out nervousness. "You two have been a constant in his life for a while now." He stated, earning a nod from both kids.

"I know that I haven't been an active father lately." Minkus sniffed, a slight laugh comoing out of what Cory could sworn was actually a sob. "And I can't blame anyone else for that except for myself." He breathed out shakily, "He was spending his nights with you, right?" he asked Zay, who only nodded back. "Did he talk to you?" Minkus asked Riley, she shook her head 'no' feeling the tears burn her eyes as her hand reached out for Zay. She nearly broke when she realized that Zay's hand was out for her to hold already.

"He's been talking to me." Zay confirmed, "Or at least, trying to talk to me. He's can't really…y'know?" Zay mumbled unsure of how to state the obvious in front of the all the adults in the room.

Minkus nodded tearfully, agreeing with the unspoken words. His hands settled on Zay's shoulders, "Zay, did Farkle ever tell you that his mom was abusing him?"

"Minkus." Cory's voice was soft but carried a weight of a strong warning.

"Are you seriously going to take the word of a _child_ over your own wife?!" Jennifer asked incredulously, her voice nearing high pitch.

Minkus ignored her as well as the order from his lawyer to not let Zay answer the questions with lawyers and witnesses present. But Minkus ignored them all, his eyes focused just on Zay's. "Zay, did Farkle tell you what happened to him? Did anything happen to him?"

Zay took a deep breath, his lips pressed together as he squeezed Riley's hand in support. "He didn't say anything directly, but he would have nightmares of his mom beating him. He had these." Zay let go of Riley's hand to pull out his phone, showing pictures of bruises, cuts, and even burns on Farkles's back. The pictures were candid, Farkle was either facing away from the phone or didn't realize that the pictures were being taken.

"I'm sorry." Said Zay as Minkus gently took away the phone.

The laugh coming out of MInkus sounded horrible to everyone's ears. It was high and loud, nearly making everyone jump.

"You did this." Minkus huffed, not even daring to ask his wife.

Calder gently stepped between the two, "Those photos could have easily been doctored by his so called peers." Calder reminded Minkus.

Minkus guffawed at that, he pressed the phone against the lawyer's face. "DOES THAT LOOK DOCTORED TO YOU?" MInkus yelled, "You're MY lawyer, not hers'!" Minkus remined Calder, the older man had the decency to look flustered

"How long did you think you could continue to do this to him? Jennifer, he's OUR son!" he shifted his attention back on his wife. "Our SON! You abused him to within an inch to his life for how long?!" Minkus yelled.

"What would you have me do?" Jennifer snapped, "Do you know what its like to raise a child?" she nodded as that question put Minkus in his place. "Of course you don't, but you get to enjoy having a child. _I_ have to raise him, Stuart. I had to train him to be a man, a successful one at that. Do you realize how many distractions children have now? How easy it is for them to fall and break apart now? One minute he's _my_ child, earning the best grades, wearing only what I said a successful gentlemen wear, and knowing when to study. And then he's this little rebellion without a clue about what's really out there and with a girlfriend, no less. And not even a pretty one at that!"

(Riley was quick to pull back Zay at that)

"I had to do what I did to make sure he knew where his place was!" Jennifer admitted. "No one can't tell me that my son isn't a smart and successful man."

"But he's not a man, he's a teenager." A woman spoke up, everyone turned to see Jallani (the short woman wearing the black hijab), her chin raised high in defiance and eyes in slits. "You're not raising a child, nor is Farkle Minkus a man. He's a teenager who was showing and reaching natural milestones, he is a teenager who is discovering himself and the world because that's what teenagers have to do, because that is what autonomy is discovered and cemented." Jallani walked up to Jennifer, the top of her head barely reaching her chest. "You're not raising a carbon copy of yourself or what you hoped you could have been, but a different person entirely. Punishing your son for becoming a person not only destroys his ability to express himself but his ability to trust others, you're his first line of trust and now you have destroyed it for yourself and everyone else. Congregations Mrs. Minkus, you have now succeeded in raising a teenager who will no doubt be highly affected by this once he becomes an adult."

The room grew quiet for a moment before Minkus ordered her to leave.

"Stuart." Jennifer looked hurt and confused.

"Leave now. You don't have to be here at all since you clearly don't care for our son's wellbeing." Minkus breathing was becoming erratic. "You need to leave. Now. And I don't want you staying at our house. You need to leave the premises by the time I return."

"You're joking." Jennifer's smile seemed desperate as she tried to reach out for him.

Minkus bit the inside of his cheek as he took a step back away from her. "Not about this, Jennifer. Go."

"Be sure to say hi to the NYPD once you leave." Said Amira as Anuj escorted Jennifer out of the room before closing the door.

He sped walked to Minkus, who looked to be having a difficult time breathing. Cory was by his side as well, the two men led Minkus over to couch. Riley ran to Amira's fridge and pulled out a bottle of water for MInkus.

"Mr. Minkus?" Riley asked, she handed the bottle to the man. Minkus accepted the drink but still appeared to be having issues breathing. His face was red and he was hunched over.

Cory pulled Riley away as Amira moved to be in front of Minku. "Stuart, you need to breath."

"I-am-try-" Minkus gasped, his face becoming red.

"What color is the wall?" Amira asked. Riley recognized the shift in tone of Amira's voice. She smiled, despite herself, it was Amira's calming voice that she would use with her when she was starting to have a panic attack. The color count always gave Riley a chance to become grounded again, especially at school

"Wha-?"

"What color is the wall?" Riley asked, stepping next to Amira.

Minkus looked around, unsure how to describe the color of the walls. Minkus was all about precision and details, even during a panic attack. He looked like he was having difficulty deciding on what kind of color the walls were before settling on just saying "Blue?" after a few moments of silence.

"Good." Riley smiled, "What color is the chair?"

"Black."

"What color is your shirt?"

"Gray."

"What color is my shirt?"

"Orange." Minkus breathing was becoming less erratic, his chest finally calming and the red in his face was beginning to drain.

"What color is Amira's shirt?"

"Red."

"What color is Anuj's shirt?"

"Blue."

"Great, what color is my dad's shirt?"

"Purple." His voice was finally even. Minkus took a deep breath through his nose, "You're good at this." Minkus complimented her as he fell back against the couch. Nearly finishing the bottle of water in two gulps.

"That she is." Jallani smiled knowingly at a bashful looking Amira. "A wonderful job you did there." Her smile wry as she introduced herself to Cory, Riley, and Zay as Dr. Aisha Jallani, the founder and CEO of the agency. She introduced the woman with the straight black hair as Mrs. Alex Lei, the attorney for the agency. Riley smiled shyly as she was introduced properly to Anuj and Mr. Beyet, the ACS attorney.

"While I can't say that I am happy that you two heard everything discussed, I am glad that you at least supported your friend thoroughly and documented his abuse. I know it must have been difficult for you two to have witnessed that."

Riley stepped back and pushed Zay forward, "Actually, it was all Zay. He did great."

"Riley!"

"She's right." Amira confirmed as she stood in front of Zay, "You did a lot for Farkle, Zay. And you're right, it's difficult for him to talk, even more so to watch him realize what's going on with him. He told me how you let him stay at your house, how you would take him to the clinic to get checked out, and even just let him vent. He trusted you more than anyone."

Riley could feel her heart break as she watched Zay put his head down, tears cascading down his face. Before she could reach out for his hand, Amira cupped his face gently so that she could tilt his face to look at her. "You did so much more than anyone else could have done for a friend going through that, you protected him and loved him when he needed it even when he couldn't admit it. I'm so proud of you Zay."

That's what broke Zay enough to hug Amira. "I'm sorry." He mumbled into her shirt, "I should have said something sooner, but he wouldn't let me. He kept saying he was dealing with it."

"I know. You did everything that you could have done and you did enough, okay?" Amira reminded him, rubbing his back to calm the young boy down.

"What now?" Cory asked after a beat.

Calder, surprisingly, was the first one to speak up. "Mr. Minkus still has a televised press meeting addressing his son's disappearance to attend to, we pushed back another hour. Despite what has occurred here, I would still advise we make that meeting. Farkle Minkus has been missing for more than two days now."

"I agree." Lei stated, "We have to get word out there. Quickly." Lei turned to study Minkus for a moment, to see if he actually looked mentally stable enough to do a televised speech. "Mr. Minkus?"

Minkus sighed loudly, "…Yeah…I-I can do it. I have to do it." He flinched before getting up with the help of Cory and Anuj. "Just give me a moment."

"Of course." Lei nodded, giving way for Minkus and Calder to walk towards the door.

"Anything we could do?" Cory asked softly so that only Minkus could hear him.

"You've done more than you should have." Minkus answered, he patted Cory's shoulder, "I'll let you know, okay?"

Cory licked his lips, unsure if he should stick close just in case, but he decided to back off for Minkus' sake. "Yeah, sure. Just…let me know."

Minkus nodded silently before following his lawyer out. He stopped suddenly, along with Calder at the door. "Zay, I'm going to need those pictures."

Zay nodded. "Yeah, sure."

Minkus rubbed his face, the whole meeting had made him more exhausted and emotionally drained. He didn't say goodbye or a wave as he shut the door behind him.

A few seconds passed when Anuj rubbed his chin thoughtfully, "We're gonna need the kids to leave for this part." He stated, looking pointedly at Jallani, who looked exhausted.

"Agreed." Lei crossed her arms in concern.

Amira sniffed, rubbing her arms as she escorted Riley and Zay out the room.

"Why can't we stay? We already know everything!" Riley snapped.

Amira's voice became wary and sore, "Not everything. You two don't need to hear every overwhelming thing." She explained vaguely. "Torri!" she pointed at Riley and Zay, wordlessly giving out her request. Once Torri gave her the okay, Amira quickly went back into the office and locked the door.

Cory looked to be the only one who was not aware about what was going on. "What's happening here?" Cory asked, concern etched in every line in his face.

Amira swallowed her anguish, not really sure how to tell Cory of what they had found out about the Minkus family before the meeting.

"Amira?" Cory looked at her quizzically.

"Before the Minkus family came in today, Beyet and Lei found out that a call to 911 had been made from a neighbor of the Minkus'."

Cory frowned, "Someone heard Jennifer beating Farkle or him crying?"

Amira shook her head, "No, the call came around 2 am. The neighbor reported they heard gun shots, two shots."

Cory could feel his blood rush to his head, he swallowed down the urge to vomit. "What?!" he nearly yelled. "Does-Does that mean Farkle's de-"

"Stop!" Amira gritted her teeth, a warning to him to quiet down. "No, it doesn't mean that Farkle is dead."

"There wasn't any evidence of Farkle being in the home." Beyet explained.

"So who-?" Cory looked around the group for an answer.

"There's a good chance, Mr. Matthews, that Mrs. Minkus might have attempted suicide. When EMT and NYPD showed to the scene she was highly intoxicated and had a letter typed out on her phone stating she was a disappointment." Beyet answered him.

"Jennifer?" Cory looked astounded, "I know she's wound up tight, more so than I thought, but not so screwed up that she would-"  
"Mr. Matthews, I cannot tell you how or why we know this to be a fact, but be assured that we can tell you that Mrs. Jennifer Minkus is a high risk to herself and her son." Beyet said, "She's not going to be getting Farkle Minkus back and I doubt she will be facing jail time for being his abuser."

"How is that possible? We have pictures."

Amira shrugged, her face becoming nearly stoic looking, "Ever tried to convict a uber upper-class white woman before? Not really a thing, add to that she's suicidal and basically a single mother, no jury in New York would convict her, much less sentence her to jail time."

"Amira." Jallani warned.

"C'mon, Jallani." Amira whined with her hands up in disgust, "Half our caseloads deal with abusers and traffickers, and THEY don't get convicted unless their victims are dead or come from money. The only one in the end who's gonna get hurt by all of this is Farkle."

"Make no mistake Ms. Habib, we will be taking Mrs. Minkus to court." Beyet paused, a thoughtful look gracing over his aging face. "But you're right in some regards in terms of time being spent in jail. Unless Farkle MInkus to testify against her."

"But we gotta find him first." Cory sighed as he stated the obvious, it was a lot to take in. He was thankful for Riley and Zay being taken out of the room.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

The rest of the day for Riley was blurry at best. She and Zay had gone back to school where they found that word of Farkle being missing had spread much to their chagrin.

Lucas, Maya, and Smackle kept close together and would occasionally glance towards Riley and Zay but never actually confronted them.

While Riley and Zay didn't mind too much, they were annoyed at the amount of rumors swirling around and being created quickly about their friend.

And while Lucas, Maya, and Smackle did their best to deflect the rumors, they quickly noticed that the three only picked up the rumors in passing, they were getting much more sympathy from their peers. Whereas Riley and Zay were getting ridiculed by their peers and hearing the gossip directly from classmates.

They both left school before the bell could officially dismiss them at the end of the day. They watched while holding hands the press conference Minkus was holding in order to give out a plea to the public to find his son.

By the time Riley was ready for bed, she was beyond tired and passed out on her bed still wearing her clothes from school. She would have slept through the whole night but a soft beat woke her up. At first Riley was unsure if she really heard it and believed it was just the rain picking up, she could hear the rain still and then…

The soft tap came from the window.

Riley frowned, she looked at her phone. It was 3:15 am. Her frown deepened when the soft tap continued and formed another beat.

"What the?"

Riley slowly opened her blinds and closed her mouth quickly to muffle her scream.

"Farkle!" Her cry was hushed as she quickly unlocked and opened her bay window. She had seen him come and leave smoothly through her window for years now, but this time Farkle's movement was slowly and cautious. She knew he was injured severely from how he moved, while she couldn't see the injuries his body had suffered. The injuries to his face were clear: he had a huge bruise and a long cut on his right cheek, both eyes were darkened by bruises, his lip was busted right in the middle, and he had bruises in the shape of hands on his neck.

Riley knew she was crying before she could carry Farkle to his bed. "I miss this." Farkle slurred and raw. He closed his eyes and let out a soft whimper when Riley carried his face in her hands gently.

"You're not okay, Farkle." Riley cried as Farkle touched her hands, his eyes closed as he cherished her touches.

"I'm not, Riley." Farkle agreed, his blue eyes waters and making the bruises around his face look more horrible. "But I got to leave. So it's all good now." He looked horrible, his pants were stained with dirt and caked with mud. His shirt was stained and ripped as well, Riley was sure she saw flecks of red that she prayed wasn't blood. What got her the most were the bruises that showed through shirt. While Farkle did have a jacket, the collar did nothing to hide the hand shaped bruises around his neck.

"You know it's not Farkle." Riley said honestly, she rubbed her thumb gently over his lip. "I'm so sorry."

Farkle shook his head, "I never wanted you to know."

"I wish you told me."

"I wish you told me you were hurting yourself."

Riley bit her lip, "Me cutting is nothing compared to what you've going through."

Farkle shook his head again, "You cutting and hurting yourself is everything to _me_ Riley. I never wanted you to hurt yourself."

"I don't _you_ to be hurt either Farkle." Riley countered. "We kept trying to protect each other from hiding what was really going on with us. We shouldn't have done that." Riley realized, "We-we need to be honest about everything. We can't lie to just protect ourselves or each other Farkle."

Farkle nodded, wincing as he shifted closer to Riley. "Then I should really confess another lie that I've been keeping from you for a while now." Farkle mumbled more to himself than to Riley.

"What is it?" Riley asked, studying his face for signs for what his other lie could be

Farkle shifted closer, his weight on one hand as his other hand settled on Riley's cheek to bring her closer slowly to give her time to move back and away from him.

Riley allowed Farkle to pull her closer till their lips met. It wasn't like their first kiss- fast, off, and awkward.

This kiss was slow, soft, measured, and tearful, but sweet.

Riley could feel the butterflies in her stomach flying everywhere as she pulled Farkle closer. His hand in her hair was what made her pull back slowly.

"I love you Riley." Farkle confessed as he rested his forehead against hers'.

They had always told each other that they loved each other.

It was true.

But this one felt different. A different tone and a different promise and a different kind of love that made Riley's skin warm and the butterflies tenfold.

Riley went back for another kiss, this one short and quick. "I love you too."


	10. Chapter 10

Riley could feel the butterflies in her stomach flying everywhere as she pulled Farkle closer. His hand in her was what made her pull back slowly.

"I love you Riley." Farkle confessed as he rested his forehead against hers'.

They had always told each other that they loved each other.

It was true.

But this one felt different. A different tone and a different promise and a different kind of love that made Riley's skin warm and the butterflies tenfold.

Riley went back for another kiss, this one short and quick. "I love you too." She told him, the tone and promise was there too.

She watched miserably as Farkle's try to smile. The gash on his lip making him hiss in pain.

"I'm going to get he first aid kit." Before she could get up, Farkle had grabbed her wrist.

"Can we just rest first?" Farkle asked, his eyes to the ground. "Please?" Riley nodded slowly, she felt the butterflies begin to turn into hummingbirds as she watched Farkle scoot on top of her bed, making sure that there was enough room for her to lay down next to him. She couldn't help but feel the strings to her heart pull a little at Farkle's puppy dog eyes. Although it felt weird still as she laid down next to him, allowing him to pull her closer to him. She trusted him not to do anything or attempt anything, but it still felt oddly intimate-especially for them.

She could feel her skin prickle as Farkle nestled his face into the back of her neck and his arm draped over her waist.

"Thank you." Farkle whispered.

Riley sighed, turning herself around so that she was facing him. The injuries were ghastly up close, making her wince as she told him "You never have to thank me. I'm really sorry you had to go through this."

Farkle shrugged, "I know." He shifted closer to her till their foreheads touched, "I'm sorry too." He brought up one of her arms that had faded scars and caressed the scars with his thumb.

"They'll fade." Riley confirmed, it was something she was beginning to remind herself. She and Amira had a long talk about them- the scars could tell a story, if she allowed them to. It could be a painful story to tell and remind herself about, but it was her prerogative. Or, she could let them fade- from her skin and from her mind. She would be moving on. "Just like these." She gently touched the bruises around his neck.

"I know." Farkle sighed, his eyes closed as sleep overtook him. His hands wrapped around Riley's. Riley watched him sleep till she was sure he was in deep sleep. His grasp on her became lax, giving her the opportunity to slip away quietly to get the first aid kit.

And her father.

"Daddy?" Riley whispered as she tip toed into her parents' room. "Dad?" she repeated, only a little bit louder.

Cory groaned, wincing as Riley shook his shoulders gently. "Hm, Riley?" he groaned again, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. "What's wrong?"

"Farkle." She showed her hands to her dad, they were dirt stained. As was her shirt.

That was all Cory needed to see to know what was going on. He quickly but quietly got out of the bed and followed his daughter to her room to see Farkle fast asleep on top of Riley's bed.

(He doesn't ask her about if anything happened between them.)

(He trusts her. She knows that.)

"Is he okay?" Cory asked in a whisper, as he closed the door to Riley's room, not wanting to wake up Farkle from the sleep he clearly needed.

"No." Riley shook her head, "He's really hurt. " Riley mumbled leaning back against the hallway wall. Her skin prickled as the cold seeped through her night shirt. She hugged herself tightly as a wave of nausea washed over her. "He…he's not going to be okay, is he?"

Cory rubbed his face with both hands, sighing as he looked down at his tired daughter's face. She was young, too young for this…but having to live through this. It was tough on him when he was helping Claire…

Now it was Riley's turn.

"I don't know." He answered honestly, he walked out with Riley to the living room and called 911.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Three hours later Riley was back at home, tired and loopy after spending the past three hours in the back of an ambulance and then at the hospital.

She had spoken with NYPD again, ACS again, and with Mr. Minkus again. She was bone weary done with everything. Her parents were still at the hospital, Auggie was with a neighbor. She was home alone and was given permission to miss out on school, she was thankful for that atleast.

She knew she wouldn't have been strong enough to handle all the whispers and gossip about Farkle at school. She looked at herself in the mirror once she made it to her room.

She was still dressed in her pajamas. Her wet jacket and boots abandoned by her door as she stepped closer to her mirror to get a better look, her skin was pale and washed out, the skin under her eyes almost seemed blue. She was freezing and shaking as she pulled her sweatshirt from her drawer and pulled it on. Her hair was flat and greasy looking. She felt awful and nauseous after breathing in hospital air for too long, her stomach felt empty and her throat dry and tight.

Perfect time for her to be getting the flu!

A sharp knock at her window made her yelp.

"Zay!" Riley breathed out a sigh of relief as she opened her window to let her best friend in. Zay was the first person she messaged about Farkle and kept texting him updates. "What are you doing here?"

Zay rolled his eyes, "After what you kept telling me, you thought I would leave you? Much less go to school by myself?"

Riley smiled shyly at the ground, "I was kind of hoping not." She bit the inside of her cheek before going in for a hug.

Zay chuckled as he squeezed her back. "He's going to be okay, right?"

Riley nodded, not trusting herself enough to speak about Farkle's condition or fate. He would be physically okay, of course. But mentally was another question. And after eavesdropping on Farkle's dad and ACS, she knew that Farkle wouldn't be home anytime soon.

Unfortunately, she didn't need to talk about Farkle in order to cry. Just thinking about what had happened to him was making her cry uncontrollably in her friend's arms.

"Riley, Riley, please don't cry. He's safe." Zay's voice wavered as he tried to console Riley. She felt his hand run down her hair as he held her tighter.

"I should have done something, I should have talked to him." Riley cried, the itchy feeling was coming back tenfold. "I should have done anything. I didn't need to push him away. He's my friend!" Riley sobbed stepping away from Zay's arms as her anxiety and guilt began to grow. She began to scratch her arms, slowly at first as the guilty began to bloom.

Zay's eyes widen in alarmed as he pulled Riely's arms down, he held on them tightly. "You didn't know." Zay reminded her. He risked letting go of her arms to hold her face instead, "You were going through your own issues and they were important issues. You couldn't have saved him Riley, you were drowning too."

Riley felt it all crash at her hard. She was drowning, she was still just paddling through her depression barely enough to breath.

She felt herself sink to the floor with Zay at her side as she grieved her broken friendships, broken heart, broken relationships, secrets, and her fear of losing the last tie to her childhood.

They were together on the floor as Riley continued to cry, Zay offering comforting touches as he kept his composure barely in order to support his friend. After a while though Zay began to cry as well.

Nearly a half hour later the two were in her bed. The sheets around them as they watched cartoons.

Nearly another hour later Topanga and Cory were back home. Topanga went to check on her daughter, she knocked softly at the door and heard no response. She walked in to find her daughter sleeping soundly next to Zay. A tablet between them as slept facing each other, their noses a few inches apart. Topanga softly closed the door and walked back to the kitchen where Cory and Zay's parents were.

"Are they alright?" Yola asked, the cup of tea paused by her lips as she looked at Topanga.

"They're fine, fast asleep." Topanga informed her as she sat down next to Yola. She smiled weakly as she felt Cory's hand rest on her shoulder, giving her short squeeze before settling his hand on hers'. "It's been a long day and its not even noon yet." She sighed as she drank from her own cup.

Mitchell pinched the bridge of his nose as he looked through his phone at the news about the Minkus family. "Thanks for calling us. We figured that Zay was talking to Riley about this, but its nice for you guys to call us as well."

"No problem." Cory shrugged, "How are we gonna tell them that Farkle is going to be moved to Albany till Minkus clears this up?"

"I don't know." Yola shook her head, leaning back against the chair with her arms crossed as she thought back to when she first saw Farkle's bruises. She could hardly believe that he gotten them after falling off a bike, but Farkle was adamant that the bruises were a accident. She had confessed to the Matthews on her way to the hospital to meet them that she had reported the bruises to ACS but her claims were never investigated. "Zay's not gonna take this well. He was already upset about him and Lucas breaking up, losing another friend is going to mess him up."

"He's been going strong for Farkle's sake, covering up for him to make sure he's safe but we know its taken a toll on him as well. He's not eating and he's having issues sleeping." Mitchell confessed.

Cory frowned, "He's been sleeping a lot in classes."

"We're thinking that maybe watching over Farkle is giving him some sort insomnia." Mitchell continued, looking at his wife for support. "We haven't told him just yet, but we signed him up for counseling."

Topanga nodded, "That sounds like a good idea." She missed the smile from Cory. "We're really glad and gratefull that Riley and Farkle have Zay as a friend, we want him to be okay and safe as well. If there's anything we could do for him or you guys, just let us know." Said Topanga.

Yola and Mitchell nodded, "Thank you. We're proud of Zay, but he needs to make sure he's not overwhelming himself. He's just sixteen."

"Forgot how much that age sucked." Cory quipped, earning a snort of laughter from Mitchell.

"God." Mitchell groaned, "Remember running hell at the center in WPCC?" Mitchell smiled at his wife.

Cory peered at the two for a moment, "Wait! You guys are from Philly?" he asked astounded.

"Yeah, West Philadelphia." Yola pushed back in her seat in concern at the couple's reaction.

Cory and Topanga tried their best to contain their excitement and laughter, "Same!"

The four laughed at the coincidence before talking about old hangouts and stories about a time before their children and the hardship about their world.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

 _A month later…_

Dance class was freeing in so many ways. Both movement therapy and contemporary dance were an outlet for Riley to escape the multiple feelings that were swarming in her, incapable of becoming coherent words in real life.

She could dance it out instead, luckily for her. Kaycee and Ramik were patient with her as her fumbled words turned into languid dance moves. Kaycee's class gave her the ability to make it through the school day, with each harsh and disgusting whisper she about herself, Farkle, and Zay, she was able to take chanel her confusion and bitterness through controlled moves. Ramik's class gave her the ability to let go of her anger and hate, the heavy base of the dance music gave her mind something else to think of.

Riley's mind was still going as Ramik addressed her about the next dance recital.

Riley shook her head, "Sorry?"

Ramik repeated what he had said. "The group has decided to give you the final song choice."

The spring recital would be a show case about songs that defined them. It was a group effort to pick the first four songs out of the five. So far the group had decided to pick Formation, Sharp Edges, Not Easy, and My Name is Human.

"Really?" Riley asked just to be sure, looking around her peers to see Nomi smiling at her, besides her was a coy looking Dashi. Nia looked indifferent at it all while Harley looked at her adoringly. "Thank you." She said truly touched that her classmates would give the newest person to the group the choice to pick a song that they would dance to in front of an audience.

"Do you know what song you would like to pick?" Ramik asked, showing her a few options from their most recent requests.

Riley bit her lip, "Not just yet." She said slowly as she thought back to some of her favorite songs. But they didn't seem to fit with the theme nor the mood of the other songs.

"Take your time, but I do need a answer by the end of the month." Ramik reminded her before dismissing the class for the day.

Riley was still at dance nearly an hour later, it felt freeing to by herself, dancing to all the songs she thought were the ones.

"You're really trying to find the right song, aren't you?" Harley's voice broke her out of her rhythm. She applauded Riley's dancing with the song Perfecto.

"I thought it was the right one."

Harley shrugged, "it's a good song." She complimented Riley. "I liked your dancing to Blood in the Cut.

Riley's eyes darkened, "Too close to home." She sighed as she wiped her face with towel, "I need to find a song that defines me, defines the class. Not a song to make me bitter."

"You're allowed to be bitter, Riley." Harley reminded her gently, "But I understand, its too fresh. No need to add salt to the cut." Harley preened as she passed a bottle of water to Riley

Riley actually laughed at Harley's bad joke. "I should have thought of that!" Riley chided at herself jokingly as Harley hip checked her.

"You didn't though." Harley wrapped her arms around Riley's middle, resting her chin on Riley's shoulder. "You really okay though?"

"Not really." Riley confessed, along with Zay, she had been texting and talking to Harley about what happening.

"Any new updates?" Harley asked sincerely, the last update Riley had gotten was that Farkle was now in Albany. His father going through the courts to get his son back while Farkle's mother was released into her parents' care pending her trial.

Riley shook her head, she had spoken to Farkle since his move. He was hanging in there…barely. But he liked his foster parents and foster siblings. He had told her and Zay over video chat that they were nice and that their house, while small in comparison to his, was calming and loving.

He needed both desperately.

When they asked if he knew when he would be back, Farkle could only shrug. "I don't know, my GAL couldn't say for sure. But she and my social worker spoke to my foster parents, they said I could come down for the weekend to see you guys. If that's okay with your parents."

"Farkle! Of course its okay with our parents." Riley reminded him, confident that her parents would love to have Farkle back in their home. She knew her parents were in constant touch with Mr. Minkus, as where Zay's parents.

Riley rested her head against Harley's, "He might come down next weekend though, so maybe we can all hangout." Riley hoped. She felt herself smile as Harley nodded in agreement against her.

"I would like that." She kissed Riley's cheek softly before breaking her hold around Riley. Riley though, thought otherwise as she pulled Harley back into her hold and kissed her on the lips. After a few seconds Riley pulled away and smiled, resting her forehead against Harley's. "Thank you for being supportive throughout all this."

Harley wrapped her arms around Riley's next this time. "You don't have to thank me. I know you would do the same for me."

"Always." Riley promised as she kissed Harley again.

Riley and Harley had been slowly approaching a relationship together, it was a quasi-secret at this point-with everyone from dance, including Zay, knowing about them. But not her parents or Harley's. And not Farkle (she had told Harley about the kiss she shared with Farkle) or her former friends (she nor Zay had been in communication with them since Farkle's reported disappearance).

They pulled away from each other a moment later, both determined to find the final song together.

A.N: So HarleyxRiley or FarklexRiley? I don't know at this point. I was almost tempted to make it ZayxRiley at one point while writing this. This took a while to write due to more losses in my family so this chapter was as light as possible considering the theme for this fic.


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